Finding Happiness
by Saint Summer
Summary: Everyone thought Emily and Paige were meant for each other. They felt like 2 old souls, reunited lifetime after lifetime. But one tragedy strikes at the heart of their relationship and everything changes. Emily moves on but finds herself slipping backwards every year. Paige has no idea what she lost and might never find out. Will destiny bring these 2 old souls together again?
1. Chapter 1 - Undone

**Prologue**

Walking along the beach barefoot always made my heart feel at ease. The sand between my toes, the breeze dancing around my face and the saltwater scent teasing me into the water. I can barely remember this feeling anymore. The beach is a different place for me now. It's not as peaceful, not as beautiful, as I remember it to be.

My first visit was with my mom. My dad had just left and to cheer me up, or probably to cheer her up as well, she brought me to the beach. I was 6 years old and I immediately knew this was going to be one of my favourite places. While my mom spread our blanket across a patch of sand, I rush to the water as if it were calling me. I call out to her while knee deep in water, feeling excitement in seeing a small wave coming towards me. In a panic, she rushes over and carries me away. We leave the beach immediately. I sit in silence the whole way home as my heart breaks – as much as a 6 year old heart can break – over the loss of my newfound love. We did go back though, over the years. It was what inspired me to swim. I couldn't come to the beach often so I found the next best thing – the pool.

I haven't been to my favourite place in a while. It's been years, actually. Anyone who knows me would be surprised to find that it's not such a favourite anymore. Anyone who is a worthy friend of mine would know why. I guess some things change. I guess some things we do outgrow. Or maybe, some things we just can't forget.

My first visit to the beach was when I was 6 years old. And my last, well..

My last was with you.

* * *

**Emily's POV**

"Em, where are you? What are you up to? I haven't heard from you in days! So much for being best friends! Yes, that's right! You heard me. I used the best friend card. What can I say? I'm desperate to hear from you. Help me out here! Call me!", bleeeep.

Another message from Hanna. I am tempted to pull the plug on my answering machine but I know it won't do any good. Where does one go to hide nowadays? As if technology could hear my thoughts, I hear my cellphone beep. Right on cue.

"Hi Em, just wanted to know if you're up for dinner later. I was able to reschedule some of my clients and I thought we could all meet-up for a much needed get together."

A text from our resident Psychologist, Spencer. Leave it to Spence to always find time for her friends despite the amount of clients she has. That's 2 out of 3. Aria's turn will be due later today. She was always the most cautious when it came to these things. She was also always the last resort. Because, you know, who could resist Aria? My cell rings a couple of times but I am unable to find it in this mess I actually call my room. It goes to voice mail. To my surprise, I hear Aria's voice.

"Good morning, Emily. I was thinking of interviewing you for my new book. It's going to be about an athlete, a professional swimmer. Let's talk about it soon, 'kay? I'm guessing Spencer told you about dinner tonight? See you!"

And there we go. 3 out of 3. I'm surprised Aria called so soon. I guess they thought I was in worse shape than I usually was around this time of the year. Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Today is the 4th. Her 4th. There is only one day in the year that really gets to me. It used to be our anniversary. Now it's a different day entirely. For the past few years, it's the day Paige died.

It's been 4 years and I still can't believe she left me. I still can't believe she died on me. It's been 4 years, Em, 4 years you've had to live without her. Yet, the intensity of my emotions and the clarity of what happened then, it's as if no time passed at all.

They say losing a loved one changes you. It does in so many ways. And her death? It changed me and is continuing to change me in more ways I could ever imagine. Then again.. there's no surprise in that. How could it not? It was Paige McCullers I lost. I tried so many times to move past this but through all these years, through all of this, I learned that grief is resilient.

Though new girlfriends have come and go, 2 to be exact, I always breakdown when this day comes. I always tell myself I'd be ready for it next year, that I have another 364 days to prepare myself. But all those days pass and it always creeps up on me, leaving me just as shattered as I was the day it happened. Oh yeah, this is another thing I learned. You can try to let go and move on but once in a lifetime, someone comes along that your heart won't let you forget.


	2. Chapter 2 - The Swimmer

**Emily's POV**

It's 8 in the evening. I wake up to vigorous knocking on my bedroom door and Hanna's voice on the other side. I realize that I never replied to any of the girls' messages. A no-no in our friendship. After everything we've been through, it became a rule to always keep communication lines open at all costs and to update each other at least once a day, or once every 2 days at most. It's become sort of a security blanket for all of us. I roll over to the side of my bed and open the door. I suppose they let themselves in my apartment. They do have a key.

Spencer is walking around my apartment, picking up pieces of clothing. I become such a slob this time of the year. Aria is busy scooping out ice cream into a bowl and Hanna..

"Really, Em? Wearing her shirt won't do you any good. I know you miss her, we all do. I know it still hurts but you can't live like this. If you have to wallow, at least wallow in style." Of course, the editor of the top fashion magazine in New York will mix sarcasm with fashion advice just to cheer me up. I give her a weak smile. I don't even remember getting this shirt from Paige's box, much less wearing it. We all have that, don't we? Some people give their ex's stuff back after a break up. How I wish I could do that. Then again, if Paige was still here, there was no way we were breaking up. And if it just so happened that we were, I wouldn't let her go without a fight. I'd give chase. I didn't know what to do with all the things that defined our relationship. Gifts, letters, photographs.. I had no one to give them back to although I never wanted to do so. So I kept them all. I wonder how I ended up wearing her shirt, this black shirt with a unicorn on it. I'm not usually this absent-minded even if Paige used to tease me a lot about it. Come to think of it, this was what she wore when we celebrated our 3rd anniversary.

* * *

_"So, what time are we meeting up later?" Paige whispers as our lips part._

_ "Huh? What?" I open my eyes, still feeling her lips on mine. Paige laughs._

_ "For karaoke night?" Her eyes narrow and her lips turn up into a smirk. "I can't believe you forgot what we were talking about just because I kissed you!"_

_ I could feel heat rising to my face and I just know I'm turning red. I try to defend myself, "No, I did not. Contrary to what you believe in, your kisses don't have that effect on me. Um, how about 9?"_

_ "Sure, they don't. You're just being absent-minded then? See you at 9!" She leans over, puts her hand to my cheek, and kisses me softly. Before moving away, she smiles at me and whispers in my ear, "9 o'clock. Karaoke. Don't forget, okay?" She walks out of my car looking smug._

_I don't know what it is about Paige and the way she kisses me but they always leave me feeling intoxicated. They always leave me wanting more. I know it and she knows it. I drive towards my house just hoping that my kisses leave her feeling the same._

* * *

I snap back to reality as Aria hands me a bowl of my favourite ice cream, mint chocolate chip, and hugs me before she pulls me toward the couch.

"So Em, let's talk about this. When was your last swim?" Spencer gives Aria a stern look.

"What? Swimming keeps her going. It's what she does." Aria is right. Every time I get in this slump, swimming brings me right back. The thought that one day I might end up feeling the way I did when Paige and I used to swim together drives me. Ironically, this is also the hardest time to get myself into the pool. Memories, you know? They can pull you either way. My swimming coach prepares for this slump by training with me more often than usual as this day approaches. He calls it "The Dive". I guess it's a good thing that there are no swimming competitions this time of the year.

Hannah joins us with her own bowl of ice cream, "You know she wouldn't want you to be like this."

Spencer comes back from the laundry room and puts in her 2 cents, "She's happy now, Em. You've got to look past this and find your happiness. Paige might not be in it but I'm sure your life can be just as happy as it once was. You have to let her go."

"I appreciate this, guys. Really. But I tell you this every year. Paige is.." I barely got to say her name before I broke down into tears. It still gets me every time. McCullers, if I didn't love you, I'd absolutely hate you for this. My ice cream was now a pool of light green with bits of chocolate chip floating in it. Only Paige could extinguish my appetite for mint chocolate chip ice cream, what I describe as heaven in your mouth on a normal day.

"We know, Em, we know," Hannah pulls me into an embrace and I curl myself in her arms. I used to do this with Paige. Everything reminds me of her right now. She consumes my thoughts and I am powerless to fight it. I know the girls have better things to do but I find some comfort, if I can mistake the distraction as that, in their company.

I am a professional swimmer. I run every morning then swim countless laps afterwards. I train my body to glide through the water as seamlessly as possible. I train myself to swim past waves and currents. I train myself to be strong. So why am I helpless when it comes to this? Why do I feel like I've forgotten how to swim? I keep asking myself, as if challenging the universe to give me a different answer, although I know why - because I didn't just lose anyone. I lost Paige. Paige McCullers. The love of my life. As this realization hits me again for the nth time today, I cry even harder and sink even lower into the depression I'm in.


	3. Chapter 3 - Unwritten History

**Paige's POV**

I used to swim. I know it's one of those skills you never forget. I used to be really good at it too and at a young age at that. I know this because I saw pictures of myself wearing a swimsuit with a shark logo. Mom says I used to be the captain of the swim team back in high school. She said I kept my passion until I graduated from Stanford. Now I am an interior designer, far from what my childhood dream was. She says I wanted to become a professional swimmer. An athlete. An Olympian. That makes sense. I may not remember most of my life because of the accident but I do know one thing. I am Paige McCullers and I am always out to win.

Everything before the accident is a blank. I used to want to know everything I can't remember. I wanted to dig up my history, maybe go back to Rosewood, visit my high school and meet old friends and teachers. My parents never agreed though. I never understood why and we used to always argue about it. Going out there on my own has crossed my mind numerous times. I never got around to it because I always turned back. I guess deep inside, I was scared to find out that I was no one special. After all, no one from my past came to contact me. I eventually gave up on the idea. I outgrew it, maybe. I figured that if I had something wonderful going on before, some friendship or maybe even a romance, shouldn't it be logical that they'd find me somehow? That they'd explain to me and try to make me see what I was missing? And if they didn't, then probably it wasn't so wonderful after all. At least not wonderful enough to go chasing after.

I obviously can't recall what changed my mind about being a professional swimmer. When I woke up in the hospital, I was completely lost. I had to reacquaint myself with everyone, including myself. My parents say I haven't changed much. My personality, according to them, is still the same. I'm just glad that if I get to meet someone from my past, an old friend maybe, they'd still recognize me as me and not some entirely different person. They filled me in on the basics – my religion, my degree, when I graduated, my hobbies, my favourite things, my sexual orientation, my plans. They even showed me my birth certificate, along with their passports as IDs, to prove that they were indeed my parents. It makes me laugh when I think about it. Who would have thought that one day, my parents would have to prove to their own daughter that they were indeed, my parents?

I don't feel much loss, unlike what other people may think when they learn of my amnesia. Having no memories works both ways. Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something because there's a big blank in the timeline of my life. At the same time, I have nothing to mourn because I have no idea what I actually lost. My parents have assured me that not knowing about my past is a minor detail in the big picture that is my life. They say I'm not missing out on anything at all. Who better to believe than the 2 people in the world who love you unconditionally and who only want what's best for you?


	4. Chapter 4 - A Memory of Dreams

I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my first ever fanfic.. Thank you for all the reviews. Your reception to this story is very heartwarming. I hope you all keep reading and enjoying what I have to offer. :)

* * *

**Paige's POV**

_I am sitting in the passenger seat of her car. I feel comfortable and safe here. I know her. Her long, wavy, black hair caressing her face. Her almond-shaped, innocent yet teasing eyes. Her smooth, olive, tan skin. She smells faintly of peaches. I love that scent. Pink is singing "So What" from an ipod connected to the car's stereo. I know this has become one of our favourite songs. I bounce my head to the music and even manage to sing along. As I sing, she looks at me and smiles. I turn to her and sing wholeheartedly, using a pen as a microphone, in an attempt to entertain her. I hand her the pen, she grabs my hand and holds it just in front of her lips as she sings the last few phrases of the song. She is mesmerizing. There is no other word for it. The song ends and we laugh. She laughs from the heart and I know that she is happy. We are happy. I move closer and lightly brush her hair away from her face. I place my hand at the back of her neck and pull her closer for a kiss. But before I can do so, I hear someone knocking on the window._

* * *

I wake up.

"Paige, you're quickly becoming a highly sought after interior designer! How can your apartment look like this? Don't your clients pay you enough to be able to buy proper furniture? Honey, you know your dad and I are willing to help you out if you need anything.." My mom has a habit of dropping by unannounced. It helps that I live close to my parents' house. It's also her way of keeping me in check, I guess. Even though I assure her that I'm content with what I know about my past, no matter how little that may be, she still worries sometimes. She's afraid I'd go digging around and get hurt by what I'd find. I don't understand how she can't see that if she thinks it'll hurt me, then I don't want to look for it. I don't need anymore drama in my life. Most people think having amnesia is enough drama. Just ask my ex-girlfriend. It baffled her when I told her I knew nothing. For a while, she thought I was hiding something. It's led to many fights. The break-up however, had nothing to do with it. She asked me to marry her. I wasn't on that page yet and that was that. It wasn't that I didn't love Sadie. I did. At least I thought I did. I just knew that something was missing, something always was, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Most importantly, I knew that whatever it was, I was never going to get it from her. Frankly, I know I turned her down because I never felt with Sadie what I felt with this girl in my dreams. And if that was what it felt to be in-love, well, then I guess I know nothing about it after all.

"Mom, what are you doing here so early?" I answer, annoyed that she woke me up from my dream.

"Well, I miss you, dear. How about some breakfast? You should really stock some food in your refrigerator. Something you can cook. It's not just for leftover take-out." She sits on my bed, a sign that a mother-daughter heart to heart is in order. Before either of us can say anything else, her cellphone rings. She glances at the caller, gives me the look and kisses me goodbye. It's her accountant and the look means she has to go. Don't get me wrong. I love spending time with my mom. But this morning, I'm a bit glad she didn't have to stay. I shouted a quick "Bye mom! I miss you too! Say hi to dad for me!" before I get up and change into my running attire.

It's a great morning for a run. Heck, it's just a great morning period. It always is when I dream of her. No matter how exasperated I am upon waking up because I can't seem to get to that kiss, my feelings always revert back to happiness. In reality, I don't know this girl. I haven't met her. I don't know her name. I know nothing about her except what I know in my dreams.

I once thought she was someone from my past. I went through all the pictures I had of my life back then but they were all solo or family pictures. When I asked my mom about the photos, she explained that she had packed 2 boxes full of sentimental stuff during the move here in New York. One of them got lost on the way. I literally have no idea. I was unconscious on a stretcher as they transferred me from a hospital in Rosewood to the New York City Medical Center. Asking my parents about her existence is out of the question. I've thought about it a lot though. They're pretty sensitive when it comes to the accident and its consequences. I guess I'm just scared of hurting them. I don't want them to sacrifice any more than they already have for me. They left their life in Rosewood to get me the best possible medical care, the best chance for a future. I don't want to seem ungrateful by persistently searching for my past. Like I said before, if we had something wonderful then, why didn't she ever look for me? Why didn't she ever find me?

I've spent the 1st year after my accident looking for her on my own. It's extremely difficult to look for someone without a name, or a picture for that matter. You can't exactly google "beautiful olive skinned lesbian who likes to sing along to Pink". Since then, I've convinced myself that this girl is a part of my future, not my past, partly to comfort myself. Because if our reality was half as good as in my dreams, if she were the one with amnesia, then by my logic, I'd do everything I can to find her.


	5. Chapter 5 - A Quiet Conversation

**Emily's POV**

I woke up in the middle of the night and being too sleepy to move, I just lay there with my eyes closed. I thought of how Paige used to stroke my arm when I can't fall asleep. I miss those little things the most. I realize that my mind's wandering into Paige territory again when I hear Spencer whisper.

"Do you guys remember when Paige tried to drown Emily? I hated her so much for that!"

"Who could ever forget that? Sometimes, I'm tempted to remind Emily of what Paige was capable of. Maybe it'll help her ease through all this pain." Hanna whispers back.

"Hanna! You know that won't help. Paige changed when she accepted her feelings for Em. Our friendship with her is a testament to that. Talk about misplaced passion." Aria is right. That girl who tried to drown me is gone now. She's been gone even before Paige and I actually got together. It's scary what pent up emotions can do to a person. I like to think that I had a hand in her transformation into an amazing woman. Even though she puts it all on me, I know it's not true. She was amazing all on her own. She just didn't realize it then.

"If she could see Em now.. Paige would pull a McCullers on me even if we were outside a hockey field. I ended up really liking her. I always thought if I were gay, I'd certainly be jealous of Em for having such a wonderful girlfriend. Not that Em was any less wonderful to Paige.."

"Spence, what are you saying?! If I were gay, I'd definitely choose Em over Paige any day.. Except that might ruin our friendship if we ever broke up." Aria just sighs and looks from Spencer to Hanna. When she speaks, her voice is filled with giddiness.

"I don't know about you two but I'm perfectly happy with my English professor. I like to think you both feel the same towards Toby and Caleb, seeing as both your relationships are going strong."

"Of course I'm happy with Toby!What I wanted to say was I got to know Paige more than I expected I would. She kind of grew on me. We talked a lot. We had a brief conversation at the beach before things got crazy. She told me to take care of Emily. Come to think of it, most of our conversations ended with Paige reminding me to take care of Em. For some reason, she felt like I was up to the task. Not to say that I'm not but she obviously did it best."

"At one point or another, I think we all had that conversation with Paige.. I know I have."

"You know what? It was only that one time but I'm part of that club too. I know for a fact that so is Caleb. It's like Paige was building her own E Team. Maybe A rubbed off on her in a good way."

I was sleepy but that woke me up. It was the first time I heard of that. I always thought McCullers thrived in doing things on her own, especially when it came to our relationship. It's so uncharacteristic of her to ask for help. If she went out of her comfort zone constantly, just to remind my friends to help her be a great girlfriend, she must have cared for me more than I thought. I don't know whether this makes me feel better or not. Better because she loved me more than I thought or worse because I lost so much more than I originally thought. As this goes on in my head, tiredness creeps through me and I fall asleep once again.

Upon waking up, breakfast is set. The Pretty Little Liars' favourite - strawberry pancakes with tons of bacon. On a side note, I am still in awe that most people think we don't know what they used to call us in Rosewood. Of course, we do. I look around. My apartment is clean and so are all my dirty clothes. My room even resembles a room now. I feel like my friends have set up everything to mimic a beautiful day inside the 4 walls of my apartment. I am so overwhelmed that I can't help but feel better. Before they left, I promised my friends I'd do something productive. Something to get me out of this usually month long rut I'm in. It serves as a thank you as well. I really don't know what I'd do without them. I have new resolve. This is due in large part to what I overheard the girls talking about last night. I guess I have decided that it makes me feel better - Paige's reaching out to my friends for help. I try to figure out what I can do this morning. I put my hands on my waist and feel my love handles. I smile as I recall an inside joke between the two of us.

* * *

_Paige and I are in the kitchen, watching the microwave popcorn balloon into a bag when she wraps her arm around my waist and pulls me closer. "You know what I like most about your body, Fields? Your tickle-me handles."_

_ She is so random at times. I giggle and raise one of my eyebrows, "I've heard of love handles and funny bones but never of tickle-me handles. You better brush up on your Anatomy if you want to go to Stanford, love." I give her a kiss on the cheek. This girl is just so adorable._

_ "Ha-ha. Let me show you then, smarty pants." In a flash, she grabs my love handles firmly and squeezes. I can't help but squeal in surprise as I try to get away from her. I laugh and squirm, already thinking of ways to get her back for that. Before I can do anything else though, Paige steps behind me and covers me in an embrace. "I always wanted a Tickle-Me Elmo. Now I believe a Tickle-Me Emily is way better." She places butterfly kisses on my neck and I shudder._

_ "Paige.." I crane my neck to see her beautiful face. She plants a gentle kiss on my lips. We made out to sounds of popping corn kernels in the microwave._

* * *

Needless to say, we ate burnt popcorn that movie night and we didn't mind. I close my eyes for a moment and try to remember how it feels to have her soft hands on my skin. I chuckle. Tickle-Me Emily and tickle-me handles.. Come to think of it, that was one quirk of mine she had discovered by accident. My love handles are a weak spot because it's the only place where I'm ticklish. Speaking of tickle-me handles, maybe I should go for my morning run, make sure none of my jeans can turn my them into muffin tops. I didn't run the past few days, too caught up in my emotions. This is so typical of Paige. She can bring me to my lowest and bring me back up again. She's always led me to right decisions. Until now, without her, she still pulls me in the right direction. This is a good sign. I can think of her and not feel depressed. I can think of her and feel good about what we once had. I can't help but think that I'm moving forward. I'm making progress and I know she'd be proud of me.

I whisper a silent prayer.

"This is for you, love."


	6. Chapter 6 - The Memory Keeper

**Emily's POV**

I run my memorized route. I'm running later than usual today but I don't mind. I feel like nothing can get me down right now. I get to my imaginary finish line and sit on a white wooden bench in front of my favourite coffee shop in New York. I've frequented this coffee shop so many times since I've moved here that the barista and owner has become a really good friend of mine. Its big windows, framed by hanging greenery and flowers, remind me so much of the café Paige and I used to go to back in Rosewood. The interior has lots of flowers as well, both potted and hanging, from flowers to indoor trees. It's quaint and rustic, reminding me of a modern day hanging garden. Paige would really love this place. She loves flowers and anything rustic. It's this unexpected side of her that made me fall in love with her.

"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes? I'd give you a slice on the house but I know you don't order anything during your slump." Sadie sits beside me and gives me hug.

"Nice to see you too, Sadie. My friends came over for a sleepover and we ate breakfast together." I say apologetically. My normal routine involved eating breakfast with Sadie after a run. Her family-owned coffee shop was one of the things I immediately loved when I moved to New York 2 years ago. Chancing upon her shop was one of the best things that happened to me that day. I was actually the last of the Rosewood girls to move here. It has always been a childhood dream of ours – to live fabulous lives in New York, just like Carrie Bradshaw and her friends in Sex and the City.

The day I moved to New York, the girls took time off to help me get settled. After they left, I wanted to do some exploring on my own. I was walking alone and the coffee shop's windows caught my eye. I was pretty down then, in the same slump I am in now. I sat on this very same bench and Sadie walked out to tell me they were closed. The shop closes at 9 but she had stayed late to do some cleaning. She was also going through a rough patch and thought cleaning the place from top to bottom would help get her mind off things. I was in tears, remembering my little Rosewood café. She sat beside me, hugged me, and cried her eyes out. I was too depressed to protest so I just hugged her back. We sat there for 30 minutes, crying and hugging each other. It's funny how we became friends. I guess when a heart feels broken beyond repair, it can cling to anyone, even a stranger, to help put itself back together. I can't really say that Sadie and I have anything romantic going on but I also can't say that she can never be more than a friend.

After our crying session, we just looked at each other and laughed. She invited me inside her coffee shop and we ended up talking long after the shop was supposed to open the next day. I know my friends have told me to be careful of New York at night. A taught us, more than anything, that not everyone can be trusted. Yet, I never felt anything less than safe with Sadie. Maybe it was the similarity of our emotions that made me feel it was okay to walk into this stranger's closed shop in the middle of the night. I felt like I was in a sanctuary as she told me about her heartache and I told her about mine.

We didn't get into the details. No specifics, no names. Just what happened and how we felt. That morning, she had asked her girlfriend of 2 years to marry her and her girlfriend had turned her down. I told her I found comfort in the fact that in the 2 years I was grieving for my ex-girlfriend, she was happy with hers and that I know how it feels to lose someone you just know you're meant to be with the rest of your life. We were silent for a moment, just looking at each other. Then we kissed. Amidst our tears and pain, we shared a kiss. It wasn't ideal, given both our circumstances, but it wasn't unpleasant. We instantly pulled away from each other and decided to go back to our own lives.

That's always how easy things are with Sadie. There was no need for an apology or an explanation because we immediately understood each other. We have that connection, something I used to only have with Paige. We both knew neither was ready. Sadie and I share this weird emotional-attraction-flirtation dance. I always think that if I could just get over Paige, like really get over her, I'd be with Sadie. She's shared the same sentiments with me before. She also hasn't gotten over her ex-girlfriend but she's mentioned a couple of times that she'd find me as soon as her heart has healed.

Sadie touches my arm. "Where did you go just now? Come on, a hot redhead is sitting beside you, wanting your attention, and you just zone out on her? Some company you are, Fields." She smiles teasingly.

"You know I enjoy your company more than any other barista in the world, Dee. Be thankful my ex-girlfriend wasn't a barista or you'd place second." I tease back and punch her arm lightly.

"Still not over her, huh? And here I was thinking you finally came here to sweep me off my feet, seeing as it's only been 3 days since the dive started and you're already out and about." She gives me a flirty look and laughs.

"Don't talk as if you're not guilty! You think I don't know who designed the interiors of your shop? You happened to let that information slip out one drunken night!" I feel triumphant for being able to think of a great comeback. Sadie pouts.

"I happen to really like the overall look of Café Diem, thank you very much! I don't care that she designed it. I just get so many compliments on the feel and ambience of the place that changing it would be like changing my shop's trademark, you know? Besides, wouldn't I look like a total loser if she happens to drop by and sees that I changed the design just so I could get over her?" She huffs and crosses her arms. Sadie, with her petite frame, her red hair and freckles, looks really cute when she's pretending to be angry. Like a little kid trying to be a grown-up.

"Hey, no need to be defensive. I happen to really like the overall look too. Don't change it. It's part of what keeps me coming back. If she were still alive, she'd love this place even more than I do."

"Thanks. Glad you love the place, Ms. Emily Fields. Hmm.. So, what else keeps you coming back, other than the decor?" She gives me her best smile, obviously anticipating my answer. Seriously, this girl can flirt with you until you flirt back. The best part of it is, she knows it's all harmless flirting between us. Sometimes, I feel like Sadie should have been one of the 2 girlfriends I've had after Paige passed away. It just never seemed right to go after her though. Both of my past relationships were built on a mutual understanding that there was an expiration date, that no one was ready for any real commitment, no moving in or getting married or anything like that. Up to now, Paige was the only person I've felt ready to take that step with.

I can't grasp how anyone could turn Sadie down. I want to kill her ex-girlfriend for doing so and for hurting her the way she did. I guess some people just don't know when they have it good. My friends used to push me towards Sadie. Sometimes they still do but I just don't want to be someone who adds to the hurt she's already experienced. I feel protective of her. Maybe my heart knows that I'm not ready to give myself wholly to anyone yet. And if Sadie deserves anyone, she deserves just that – someone whole.

"You, of course." I flash her a grin. Like I said, harmless flirting.

"Shouldn't you be getting back to your espresso machines? Riley seems to be in over his head." She peaks at her hired help just as he spills some coffee on the floor. She winces.

"You got that right. Show your sweet smile more often, okay? Say hi to the girls for me. We should all have lunch here soon." She hugs me tight and I give her a kiss on the cheek before I walk back to my apartment.

By the time I get back, it was lunchtime and I have all 3 girls on my answering machine. There was also a message from my mom, who no doubt got an update from my friends. They were all asking how my day went. I decide to send a text message to the girls and later on, call my mom.

"Hey guys! I can't thank you all enough for the impromptu sleepover. I'm feeling so much better now. I just came back from a run and a quick chat with Sadie at Café Diem. She misses you all and wants to have lunch with you guys sometime. I'm still testing the mood I'm in so don't say a word to George yet, okay?"

Less than 5 minutes after sending the text, Hanna is already calling me. I answer the call, already knowing what she's going to say.

"It was nothing, Han. We're just friends." I say to her, like a script that I've memorized countless times.

"Oh come on, Ems! You used to say that about Paige! Visiting Sadie after crying over your ex last night, nice one. You're improving! The new you is moving fast and I like it!" I can practically hear Hanna squirming in excitement over the phone. She is the number one Emily-Sadie shipper out of everyone. She was so disappointed the last 2 times I found a girlfriend, she gave my exes the cold shoulder the first time she met them. Hanna can be worse than my mom sometimes. I could hear Caleb in the background and that was my signal to say goodbye.

"You're crazy, Hanna. And please, don't go around telling everyone I like Sadie. Everything's platonic. Don't even tell Ca-"

"Congratulations, Emily!" I hear Caleb's voice before I can finish my sentence. I roll my eyes. Why did I ever think that Hanna could keep this to herself? Especially from Caleb.

"Whoops.. Sorry, Em. Update me! Caleb just came back from a business meeting. I have to go!" She says in a hurry. I can hear giggling and squealing before Hanna ended the call. It's good to know that they're working out. They never used to fight so bad but after Caleb moved to Ravenswood without a word, things got pretty rocky for them. Now they have a habit of getting into pretty nasty fights because of something petty. They recently had a fight over whose apartment they'd live in less than an hour after deciding to move in together. They didn't talk to each other for days. Eventually, they both softened up enough to make a grown up decision. Everyone knows they'd do anything for each other and for their relationship. They just have a weird way of showing it.

Thinking of Hanna and Caleb moving in together makes me think of where Paige and I would stay if she were still here. I look around my apartment and wonder if this looks like a place Paige would want to live in. She always wanted to be an interior designer. She graduated with a degree in Psychology from Stanford but interior design was one of her dreams, next to being a professional swimmer. I walk around, examining the furniture and the apartment's layout, imagining what she would say.

_"We should put a big mirror here, babe. So the room will look bigger. How about painting this wall yellow? We can put two white Victorian chairs in front of it and a small round table in between. It'll serve as an accent piece. We can have a black vase with flowers. Oooh, flowers! Em! How about potted flowers along the windows? We can have some orchids, roses.. carnations! Your favourite!"_

I snap out of my head as I hear my message tone, a text from Aria.

"That's great! Tell Sadie we'll drop by sometime! Ezra's craving for some of her apple pie!" I haven't seen Ezra in a while. Last I heard, he was neck deep in students' essays. Our next get together should probably include the guys. Beep beep. I just got a message from Spencer.

"Anything new with Sadie, Em? Anything new with you? Yes, I heard from Han and her conclusions. Wasn't I the one who stayed in Radley? Sometimes I feel like Hanna was a patient there too. Toby sends his greetings and intends to visit you soon." I laugh at Spencer's text. If it wasn't Hanna's grammar, it was her naiveté that drives Spencer crazy.

I go to my room and grab the cordless phone, intending to call my mom soon. Not even text messages from my friends can distract me from thoughts of Paige. I flop down unto my bed and close my eyes as I hear her voice in my head.

_"We need a bigger bed. This one is too small to roll around in. One of us might fall off when.. um.. you know.."_

I open my eyes instantly. Ever since that day, I've never allowed myself to go there. It's probably why my past relationships didn't work out. A person can only wait for her girlfriend to stop holding out for so long. Spencer believes I have some real issues but she never used her Psychology degree on me, at least not that I know of, and I love her for it.

I suddenly miss Paige and her touch. I can feel the sadness getting hold of me again. I've done so well the entire day. I don't want to slip back but at the same time, I know that when I feel it, I'm incapable of stopping it. I pace around my room, looking for a distraction, when I accidentally step on a CD case. I grimace in pain as I sit on the floor, cursing myself for not putting it away. The girls must have missed it when they cleaned my room. I pick it up and turn it over. It was Paige's Pink CD, one she left in my car the day of the accident. It might have fallen out the other night when I woke up wearing her shirt. I reach under my bed and find the box I keep her stuff in. I take a deep breath and open it.

I was planning on just placing the CD inside without actually looking in the box. But I was greeted by a picture of Paige and I, a candid shot taken by Ezra back when we still called him Mr. Fitz. It was just too awkward then to call him by his first name. We were sitting at one of the stone benches in Rosewood High School's hallways. I was laughing at something and she was sitting beside me, smiling and looking at me. I used to want to throw this picture away because it looked so raw. Paige changed my mind. She asked me to keep it for when she went to Stanford. She said that when I doubted us or felt any different than utterly loved by her, I should just look at this picture. Somehow, the camera was able to capture what her eyes said but was too afraid to say out loud that time. She was right.

I can't remember how many times this picture got me through the toughest times when we were apart. Every time we saw each other, during breaks or during surprise visits, she looked at me with that same look in her eyes - one filled with love and affection. I could stare into those eyes all day.

And just like that, my positive energy is gone. I curl up on the floor, staring at the photo, yearning for her again.


	7. Chapter 7 - Drowning in Peaches

**Paige's POV**

I step out of my apartment and out into the sun. I bask in its rays while deciding which route to take. Since Sadie and I broke up, I've gone the other way because I didn't want to pass by Cafe Diem and make things harder. Over the years, I've had moments when I missed her terribly and speculated on rekindling an old flame. We haven't talked since the break up and after how things ended, I couldn't just contact her out of the blue. I defintely want to be friends. I don't know if she's gotten over things now but she hasn't reached out either which makes me think that maybe she hasn't. As my thoughts wander, I feel a burn in my legs. I didn't even realize that I already started to run. Oh, Paige.

Around 45 minutes after I started, I finish my run. I should try to do this in less than 45 minutes. I have no plans of running a marathon but my competitive side is rearing its head. I'm all sweaty and still catching my breath when I smell something that reminds me of her - the girl in my dreams. I smell peaches. I look around, my heart beating faster, trying to catch a glimpse of her. I walk mindlessly, letting my nose guide me among the throngs of New Yorkers. I close my eyes to help me focus. I'm probably bumping into more people right now than I ever will in my entire life and I don't care. I turn to my right and walk straight ahead, holding my hands out in front of me. I take a few more steps and bump my leg into something hard. I flinch and open my eyes. An old lady is sitting on a bench, looking at me like I have some sort of disease. I mumble a quick, "Sorry". I try to smile as I walk away, trying to hide my disappointment. The old lady was eating a peach.

Stupid, stupid Paige. Why must you be so impulsive? I must have looked crazy, I know. I figured I don't care if strangers saw me. They are in fact, just strangers. But if I found her, wouldn't it be totally worth it? I guess if she saw me like that, she'd most likely run in the opposite direction. So I guess getting a false alarm today is good, in that sense. At least she didn't see me making a fool of myself. However, I'm pretty sure I can charm my way out of it. I sigh at my feigned confidence as I head to my parents' house for a swim.

No one's home. Both my parents are out, working. They'll be back much later, long after I've left. I put on a lot of sunblock as I survey the pool area. For someone who practically grew up in the water, my skin is particularly sensitive to the sun. I burn easily. Good thing my parents still stock some sunblock in their house. They know I still use this pool everytime I want to go for a swim. It's been a regular part of my workout ever since I can remember. I don't swim everyday though, only thrice a week. Just in case I change my mind about going for that Olympic medal. I swim 30 laps before I decide to call it quits. I grab a big floater and pull myself up with ease. I lie down and relax, trying to simulate someone getting a tan.

My thoughts wander and go back to the incident earlier this morning. With a clear head, I feel embarassed. I feel like an obsessed hormonal teenager. What made me think that she's the only one who can smell like peaches? Of course someone eating peaches would smell like peaches. It's not as if it's a unique scent. Maybe I should stop looking for her. A lot of people believe dreams have no meaning, that they merely come from our subconscious. Why can't I be one of them? Then I wouldn't be in this dilemma. I close my eyes for a moment, trying to free my mind of things, allowing the gentle movement of the water to lull me to sleep.

* * *

_I'm sitting beside a pool, feet dangling in the water, watching her swim laps. Her arm pops out of the water, one after the other, in perfect rhythm. She stops when she gets to my side. She places both her palms down on the ledge and hoists herself out of the pool gracefully. She sits beside me and removes her swim cap. Even pool hair can't hide how gorgeous she is._

_"Ahem. Earth to Paige?" She puts her hand on my knee and I turn a deep red as I realize that my intentional glance has turned into a full-on stare. I clear my throat._

_"Sorry, I got pretty distracted by um.. uh.. your strokes!" Strokes? I got pretty distracted by her strokes? Nice one, Paige. I mentally kick myself for being such a bad liar._

_"Oh, I see." She moves closer and trails her hand up my thigh then walks her fingers medially as she whispers in my ear. "Did you say.. Strokes?" I gaze around awkwardly, squirming as I feel something between my thighs._

_"Breathe, Paige. Or I may just have to revive you with mouth to mouth." She jumps back into the pool, swims to the middle and calls out._

_"Come on, McCullers! We can do a lot more than swim in the pool." She laughs at me and dives underwater as I jump in after her._

* * *

I wake up, gasping for air. I literally fell into the water. Oh god, that girl will be the death of me. I can still feel the heat as I grab the float and try to get back on it. Unlike a while ago, I flounder around. My arms are gripping the sides of the float while I gingerly raise one of my legs up to the other end. I fail and end up sending the float up into the air. It lands on top of my head. I jump in surprise as I hear my mother's voice.

"What are you doing, dear?" I look up to find my mom staring at me.

"Just practicing my strokes." I sputter, once again blurting out the first thing that comes to my mind. Why does this always happen when I'm caught off guard? I decided to attempt to get on the float one more time - still with much struggling.

"I bought peaches." My dad walks towards the backyard, looks at my mom and gives her a kiss on the cheek. I cough and swallow some water when I hear him say "peaches".

"Paige, is that a new pool exercise? Is it supposed to help you with your form?" He appears to be asking an honest question but I can hear a bossy tone in his voice. I have no doubt where my competitiveness came from.

"She's practicing her strokes, Nick. Do you want some peaches, Paige?" My mom walks back into the house with my dad right behind her.

I get out of the pool now, dragging the float behind me and dumping it somewhere on the lawn. What is it with today and peaches? My eyes widen as I realize what time it must be for my parents to be home. I didn't even notice the sun setting. How long was I dreaming?

I go into my room and straight to the bathroom. After rinsing off all the chlorine, I do my best with the clothes I left here before I moved out. I grab my favourite shirt. So this is where it was. I was turning my apartment upside down in search for this. It's a simple red plaid button down shirt. I feel like it's such a versatile piece of clothing. No one knows where I got this shirt. I can't remember and neither can my parents. If I did, I'd probably buy more of it. I just love it so much! I wear it unbuttoned over a black tank top, with dark denim jeans and sneakers. I walk down to the dining room where my parents have dinner ready.

"It's that shirt again. Why do you always wear that?" My mom sighs.

"It's a versatile piece of clothing, mom! Besides, I really like this shirt. It doesn't go out of sty-"

"It's just a shirt. Arguing over it, time and again, is a waste of time. I'm too hungry to talk about our daughter's wardrobe. Let's eat, shall we?" My dad butts in before I can finish my sentence. I smile at my dad appreciatively, glad to have my mom off my back. This debate has gone on for who knows how long. Despite that, I'd keep this shirt if only to keep it. I feel like it's got some sort of sentimental value, although I have no idea what. I wonder if it's normal to be this attached to a shirt.

I engage in a conversation with my parents - about their jobs, the church, my job, old and new clients, new design ideas. After a while, it's time for dessert. Yep, what else but peaches?

I do the dishes while my dad tries to convince me to take my old bike back to my apartment. He says it's safer than walking. I'd usually agree with him but I had my mind set on a leisurely walk home. By the time I finish with the dishes, I had settled on biking back to my apartment. You know how things are with parents. Mine aren't any different.

As I pedal away, I am in disbelief over everything that happened today. My day was filled with her and things that remind me of her. Dreams, swimming, peaches.. God, the peaches are becoming too much. And yet, I can't help but smile at what an eventful day it's been for me and my heart. Is it even possible to fall in love with someone whom you haven't met yet? Moreover, someone you're not even sure exists?


	8. Chapter 8 - The Letter E

**Paige's POV**

I ride my bike through New York at a slow pace, giving in to my thoughts and musings. How can someone say the world is such a small place when I can't even find this girl? Is she even in New York? I exhale loudly. I should stop letting her dominate my mind. I get off my bike and walk beside it. I start humming a tune, focusing on my feet, trying desperately not to think of her. Lyrics to Pink's So What come into my head and I remember my dream the night before. Damn. I stop mid-step and count to three. 1, 2, and 3. Here we go. I start walking again. I take in my surroundings in an attempt to find something else to think about.

New York is beautiful at night. Skyscrapers stand tall seemingly protective of the people who inhabit the great city. The topmost floors light the sky, outshining the stars. Stars. Will I see stars when I finally get to kiss her? Dammit, Paige McCullers! Whoever you are, it would be really nice to hear my thoughts without you intruding! I take a deep breath and sit on a nearby bench. My determination to avoid thinking of her softens. I just sit there, staring at the road, when I notice that this place seems really familiar. It takes me a second to figure out where my walking and distracted mind has led me.

I slowly turn around and see Café Diem's most eye catching feature – its big windows giving everyone a glimpse of the secret garden waiting inside. Oh great, exactly where I want to be. Thank goodness it's way past closing time. I take a peek inside, grateful that I only see empty chairs and tables. No Sadie. I look forward again and relax, allowing my arm to drape over the wooden back rest. I have done this a million times when Sadie and I were still together. We sat on this same bench, drinking coffee, watching people pass us by. The first time we did that, I was telling Sadie what I had in mind for her Café Diem's interiors. Those were good times.

Even then, I held back. I was reserved, careful, and so unsure. She loved me despite that, loved me enough to propose. It seems unfair to her when I think about it. I can't fault her for anything. She was practically the best girlfriend anyone can ever hope for. I'm suddenly consumed by guilt. She deserves more than what I can give her, I tell myself, rationalizing that rejecting her proposal was the right thing to do. It's been almost 2 years since the break-up. Maybe it's about time I talk to her and initiate a friendship. I ponder on this and agree with myself. I feel good about this, thrilled even. It feels like I'm setting things right.

Before finally heading home, I decide there's one more thing I have to do. I quickly rifle through my bag for a pen and paper. I find one clipped to a slim pad of post-its, thanking my mom for putting them there. She believes you can't go anywhere without a paper and pen. Inspiration strikes anywhere, as she says. I quickly jot down a note.

* * *

To the girl of my dreams,

Thank you for making me feel like this, so conflicted and peaceful at the same time. I haven't met you yet and here you are, already consuming me. I don't know how you'll feel about me when we finally meet each other. I don't know if you'll like me as much as you do in my sleep. But no matter what happens thereon after, I'm sure meeting you will change my life. I can't wait.

* * *

I was supposed to sign my name but this is New York, after all. I might end up with desperate people who believe in destiny, all of them thinking I wrote the note for them. I cringe at the thought as I realize that writing a letter and sticking it on the bench surely puts me in the same group as the people I just described. It's a windy night. The breeze will probably blow it to who knows where. I don't care. I've done all I can to find her. I've broken Sadie's heart because of this girl and I don't intend on breaking anyone else's heart again. This is the last thing I'll do. I've sent my message out there. The universe can do whatever it wants to it. I'm just hoping it's on my side.

I wake up later than usual the next morning, to the voice of my best friend and self-proclaimed advertiser slash client-finder on the answering machine, leaving what seems to be an installment of a long lecture. I groan as I get up and half crawl towards the phone. I pick it up before she finishes whatever she's saying, surprising her into silence.

"Nnnngaaaah." I yawn into the receiver. "Good morning, Angel." I use my sweet and charming tone, trying to avoid the speech I know I'm going to get.

"Don't you good morning Angel me, Paige McCullers!" She fumes. I knew it wasn't going to work. I prepare for a rebuttal but knowing her, I won't be able to get a word in. So instead, I silently wait.

"Aren't you going to say anything?!" I'm so prepared to listen to her sermon that I'm shocked when she asks me a question.

"W-Well, I just thou-" I manage to stutter a few words before she goes into her much awaited rant.

"You thought, what?! What exactly, Paige?! That it's okay to miss our weekly dinner? I would have been okay with it if you called to cancel. If you absolutely have no time to talk then a text would have been fine! But NOOOO! You stood me up, Paige! I never once thought in my life that a lesbian would stand me up. I may be straight but lesbians hit on me all the time! I actually thought you were the best of them! And what do you have to say for yourself? Nothing! I ordered for the both of us, like we always do and you don't show! I ate BOTH our orders ALONE while people looked at me like I'm a glutton because I didn't want anyone to know that I was such a loser that even my own best friend stood me up!" I can hear her panting on the other end of the line, trying to catch her breath. The amount of energy she can dole out just to prove a point amuses me.

"Are you done?" I say patiently. Most of the time, that's all she needs you to do, listen to her screaming at you. Afterwards, things are fine again.

"Yes." She huffs.

"Okay, I'm sorry I missed our dinner last night. I went for a swim then fell asleep. Saw my parents, had dinner. I should have called or texted, I know. But my day was full of peaches." I explain haphazardly, attempting to summarize yesterday in as little words as possible, obviously sacrificing coherence in the process.

"So you totally blew me off to have dinner with the 'rents. Okay, I can accept that. What is this about peaches?" I can picture her mentally processing the fruit, or the word, I mean. I wait for her to put two and two together. Angel is the only person who knows about my dreams. I'd trust her with anything. I bumped into her one night in a bar around 3 blocks from Café Diem. We both sat on each end of the counter. We caught each other's eye. She smiled, I smiled and we started to have a drink off. No talking, just drinking, daring the other to go for one more shot with just our eyes and our smiles. I won. I'm proud to say I could hold my alcohol and liquor very well. I was pretty impressed by her too. We both decided to call it a night and left the bar in different directions. We found ourselves side by side a short while later, spewing everything out into the dumpsters located behind the bar. We've been best friends ever since.

"Aaah, Peaches. She's haunting you again, huh? This girl better be worth it, love, when you do find her. I worry about your health sometimes." She calls her Peaches, how convenient. She knows it will annoy me. Angel is, well, she's her name. She has my back, you know, kind of like a real guardian angel. In spite the craziness of my dreams, she supports me and she never fails to show me that. Granted, sarcasm is often dripping at the sides when she does but I'm just glad she gets me.

"She's not a ghost, Angel. She's not haunting me. She's the girl of my dreams. And I'm in perfectly good health." I frown.

"I meant your mental health, babe." Sarcasm, on the dot.

"HA-HA. Seriously though, I think I'm done looking for her. I made a fool of myself in public yesterday. All because I sniffed at the wrong time and caught the scent of an old lady eating a peach. My mind is going in circles wondering who she is, where she is, and when I'm going to meet her. I need my focus back. I also found myself in front of Café Diem at 10PM last night. I pulled a me-and-you-against-the-universe kind of thing for her. I'm that desperate. HELP ME." I groan into the phone.

"Me-and-you-against-the-universe kind of thing? At Café Diem? For Sadie? Make up your mind already, woman! Who do you rea-"

"For Peaches, Angel! For Peaches!" I cut her off, greatly peeved. I know Angel is teasing me. She does this all the time and that's why things are always so light between us. I appreciate it, actually. It makes things less stressful than they truly are.

"Damn you, Angel! I hate you." I gasp as I realize that Angel just made me call her Peaches. It sounds so inappropriate. Not to offend anyone who's actually named Peaches but the name reminds me of a cheeky girl you can find at the bar, always ready to have a good time with just about anyone who can drink. Someone named Peach though is a whole different matter. Angel's laughter distracts me from my irritation as it echoes through my ears.

"Oh, you think that's funny, Ms. AngelINETTE Winters?" She stops laughing the instant she hears her whole first name. I made sure to put emphasis on the last 2 syllables. I know she hates it when I call her that but it's payback time. She used to say and still believes that her parents were high when they named her.

"What can I say? It gets confusing! She's a HER and your ex is also a HER! I need something to differentiate the 2 HERS apart! FINE. You can call her whatever you want." She grimaces, I can hear it in her voice. She then adds more input.

"How about you call her Peas, short for Peaches?" I was about to scream at her when she starts talking again.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Geez. You don't have to growl so loudly on the phone. I can practically hear you mentally breaking my neck. How about calling her E? Short for.. I don't know. The way the first syllable of Peaches sounds? Kind of like how you came up with my nickname." She used to be Linette. She hated it too. She's perfectly straight but likes names that confuse people, names that are gender neutral. When I thought of Angel, she instantly texted everyone on her phone list, tweeted, and posted a status on Facebook announcing her new nickname. And she's worried about MY mental health.

"Hmmm…" I consider it for a moment. I like it. I can think of a lot of nice names starting with E. "E, it is then. Eden, Ella, Ellis, Eileen, Emily..." I rattle off a list of names that come to mind.

"And congratulations on naming your firstborn!" She hoots as I roll my eyes.

"You're horrible, you know that?" I shake my head, trying to hide the smile forming on my lips.

"So I heard. Tell me about this me-and-you-against-the-universe thing you did at Café Diem, love."

"Well, it was pretty cathartic.." She listens intently as I tell her about the post-it note. She comments on what good it would do and all the other things she deems necessary to comment on. I tell her about my plan to patch things up with Sadie and my hopes that a friendship might still be salvageable. She tells me about a new song her band wrote and how she'll ultimately write a song for me one day. She also informs me about a new client she has for me, one she met during a recording session. Angel knows I'm in no shortage of clients but that's just how supportive she is. We talk for hours. At 26 years old, you'd think we'd be done with long phone calls and talking about one another's lives. However, Angel and I rarely get to see each other anymore, what with her busy band schedule.

"Wait for his call, okay angel pie? He's dying to get his house a face lift." She says as our conversation nears its end.

"Okay, you can call me BABE or LOVE if you must, but you do not get to call me ANGEL PIE! I don't know why you insist on using pet names for me but not for your boyfriend. Sometimes I think it's just because you know I hate them. It's infuriating! Angel pie is where I draw the line. I am not your pie! In fact, I am no one's pie." My voice cracks as I reach the last sentence. It is only then that I comprehend what I'm saying.

"That sounded kind of sad, love." Angel mutters. She gets it. She gets me without my having to say anything. But she also knows that I'm Paige. And Paige doesn't show true vulnerability. I can joke around about being defenseless and helpless but when I actually mean it, I'd rather keep it to myself. Angel has enough problems already without having to handle mine as well. This is the reason why even my best friend doesn't know everything about her and my dreams.

"Yeah, well, she better find me already. I need somebodyyyy.. toooo.. loooooove." I sing the last line with gusto, trying to hide the loneliness I'm feeling.

"That's great. Cute. Very cute, Paige. You should sing to her when you meet her. Win her over with karaoke." She teases me and I laugh. We say our goodbyes. I put the phone down and sit on the couch thinking of when she'll find me and whether or not she will. What if she doesn't? What if she's with someone already? I suddenly doubt my decision to leave things in the hands of the universe. Too late now, Paige.

I was never one to just relax and take things sitting down. But under these circumstances, what else is there for me to do? I feel uncomfortable just waiting. It is not in my personality to wait. I'm a McCullers. I was taught to reach for my dreams and go for it, no matter how impossible they may seem. It's the reason why I'm an interior designer instead of a psychologist.

But if this is all I can do, if feeling lonely and restless and uneasy for the time being ensures that you will find me, then so be it.


	9. Chapter 9 - Not Just Another Day

So sorry that it's been days since I last updated. Things are getting busy for me at work. I might not be able to update daily like I used to. I hope you enjoy this one!

* * *

**Emily's POV**

Sleeping on the floor, curled up in a fetal position, is never the best way to sleep. In fact, I believe it's one of the worst. I try to focus my energies on getting up instead of on the physical pain that's slowly inching its way into my consciousness. I take a deep breath and arch my back. It feels good and agonizing at the same time. I sit up and wonder how I ended up sleeping in that position. Then I feel the sharp edge of photo paper in my hand and suddenly remember why. I quickly bring my hand up to eye level and curse myself for having creased the picture. I make an effort to smooth it out, placing it on the floor and rubbing my hands over it. Tears start to form in my eyes as I realize that the crease will never go away. I ruined our picture. I ruined her beautiful face, her lovely smile.

"I don't think you'd bring her back to life by rubbing your hand over a picture of her face, Ems." I jump at her voice. I hastily put the picture back in the box, close it, and push it under the bed. I wipe my eyes and turn around to face Sadie. She reaches her hand out and I hold on to it, pulling myself up. Her presence instantly makes me feel better.

"I used my key to let myself in. You weren't answering your phone and your doorbell. Don't worry, I didn't see anything. I just figured she must be in it and the box must be, you know, her box. Unless you like keeping a box of things your friends gave you and sleeping on the floor while holding their picture? Hey, I won't judge." I am still too groggy to say anything. She hugs me then holds me at arm's length.

"I see bed hair, or in this case, floor hair, and carpet lines on your face are all no match for your beauty." She chirps. She seems so into the morning today. I manage a smile. Only Sadie can come on to someone who's totally heart broken and not get slapped. By now, all the talking she's doing has woken me up enough to be able to have an actual conversation.

"And I see even the sun can't get up early enough for your flirting." I say as I glance out the window and spy the sun still rising to take its place in the sky.

"What can I say? Flirting with you is one of the best things in my life. Come on, get dressed! I'm taking you places!" She sounds really excited.

"At this hour? The sun is barely even up yet. What is going on?" I look at her with questioning eyes. An expression of panic crosses her face for only a second. She recovers quickly, making me wonder if it was just my imagination. She puts her arm around my waist and walks me towards my bathroom.

"Is it bad to want to spend more time with my future girlfriend? Hurry up! Time is not to be wasted, Fields! We need to get a head start if we want to beat all the tourists." Tourists? Before I can protest, she pushes me into the bathroom. I turn around, dumbfounded, only to have Sadie slam the bathroom door in my face.

"What th-?! You could have hit my nose, you know! I doubt you'd want a girlfriend with a broken nose!" I decide to play along. As I go through my morning routine, I think of what has gotten into Sadie. We flirt, that's always how we've been. But she was never this straight forward and relentless. I finish getting dressed; still thinking of what Sadie is up to. Then I remember the date today, crashing into my mind with a jolt. I hold on to the edge of the sink to keep myself from falling down. Today is July 21. A week after I found out that Paige passed away. She died a week before our anniversary. I am suddenly aware of my ragged breathing and I concentrate on inhaling and exhaling, trying to hold back my tears. I slowly move away from the sink, trying to remain calm, and sit on the toilet seat. As I flashback to that moment 9 years ago, my tears start flowing down my cheeks and my chest starts to hurt.

* * *

_ I don't know what I was going to say. All I know was that I needed to talk to her. We've been playing this game for far too long. I know I will always love Maya. She was my first girlfriend. She will always have a place in my heart. And Paige.. I didn't want to be with her at first because I was scared that I just wanted a replacement. But right now, after finding out that I was with her that night, it all becomes clear to me. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. I wasn't scared that Paige might just be a replacement. I was scared that after everything I've been through, if I let her in my life, she might think that I'm not be the same person she once fell in-love with. The thought that she might change her mind about me after she sees who I've become hurts but the thought of not even trying to make us work hurts even more. I'm ready now. I'm ready to be with her._

_ Having been told by her mom of her whereabouts, I walk to their backyard. I find her there, staring into the water, deep in thought. Even in her workout clothes and a ponytail, she is breath-taking. Before I get to where she is, she hears my footsteps and turns around._

_ "I'm sorry." Other people use their hands while talking but Paige uses her arms when she really means something. I shake my head as I coax my vocal cords to work._

_ "It wasn't your fault." I assure her. She swallows, trying to find the words to explain what happened that night._

_ "I shouldn't have let it happen." She breathes out as she continues to talk. "It was wrong. If I ever find out who put that stuff in your flask, I swear I'll kill them." Her eyes are suddenly cloaked with anger._

_"Don't say that." I say, calming the butterflies in my stomach. I love it when she becomes protective._

_"I mean it." She replies as if I challenged her to prove what she just said._

_"I don't want you to say it. I don't want you to mean it." She doesn't understand that as much as I need the protection, God knows my friends and I all do, as flattering as it is that she wants to be the one to give me that, I don't want it. It puts her in danger and I cannot lose another girlfriend because of A, especially not Paige. I need her to be safe._

_Paige looks at me with disappointed eyes, understanding that I don't want her help. I take that as an opportunity to say what I've been wanting to say since I came here tonight._

_"Listen to me." I walk towards her. She is glued to her spot, looking at me. I know she's already thinking the worst, getting ahead of herself, as usual. I just want to kiss her already but I want to do this right. After everything I put her through, she deserves that. I concentrate on my words._

_"I haven't been with anyone since Maya. I hadn't even thought about it. Or at least I didn't think I was thinking about it." She stares at me, still unaware of what I'm really trying to say. I look away and focus on the water. It's hard to look at her eyes right now. I can see the hurt behind them as she makes her own assumptions._

_"I was drunk that night and I got lost." I fix my gaze on her again, thinking that I might sound insincere if I continue to look away. I carry on._

_"Only I didn't really get lost. I was looking for something. I was looking for somebody." She is gaping at me now, confused. Paige is a smart woman. You don't need to spell things out for her. Except this time, she already formed a conclusion in her head and I know how stubborn she can be. Once she convinces herself of something, it'll take a lot to change her mind. I wait for some form of positive emotion to come out of her, telling me that she got my point but I didn't get anything._

_"And I came here." She suddenly breathes out a smile and looks at the ground. I can see she's teary-eyed, no doubt anticipating the opposite of what I'm saying. I sense relief wash over her. I notice that she's still looking down, a habit of hers. But now is not the time to talk about bad habits._

_"Don't look away." I say, as I place my hand on the back of her neck. Her face lights up with that incredible smile. I take the few steps needed to close the gap between us and kiss her. I pull her even closer to me, my way of saying that I don't want this to end. She places her hands on my arms then down to my waist as she kisses me back, also pulling me closer. She leans forward, I lean back, trying to keep our balance. I remove my hand from her neck, she grabs it and places it back. I can feel it in the way she kisses me, how much she waited for this, how much she wanted 'us'. I could kiss her forever._

_As our kiss deepens, I can feel my heart pumping with more zest. I have never felt more alive than this moment. I know now that whatever happens, Paige and I.. We will always be together._

* * *

"Em? What's taking you so long?" Sadie's voice brings me back to the present. I find myself sitting on my toilet, paralyzed. I try to move and double over in pain. Everything hurts. Breathing hurts. Living without her hurts. I hear my door open a crack and Sadie's head appears through the door.

"Hey.." In one stride, she comes to my side, bending over me, touching my arm. She sits beside me and pulls me up in a sitting position. She looks at me with such tender eyes as she talks, like I'm made of glass and she's afraid I might break if she looks at me differently.

"I know how you feel. When I woke up today, I think.. I don't want to keep doing this for another year. Being heartbroken is exhausting. But I also remembered that I was to take you out on the best date of your life. So I got up out of bed, got dressed, and came here. You got me out of bed, Emily. Do you know how much I love my bed? My ex-girlfriend can't even drag me out of its folds this early."

She gives me a sideways glance and grins. I'm breathing loudly, trying to control my tears. Every year, on this day, Sadie and I go out. She leaves Riley to manage the shop and we go out, just the two of us, trying to outdo the most memorable date we've had with our ex-girlfriends, attempting to make memories of them hurt less. Today is also Sadie's anniversary with her ex, and since she proposed on their anniversary, it is also the day they broke up. Just as I was about to say something, Sadie kisses the top of my head.

"I got out of bed because I need to work towards the day I get to kiss you again, when we're both ready for each other." She's talking in a hushed voice now. That's how I know she's not flirting this time. She's serious. I wipe my tears and place my hand gently on her cheek, turning her face so she's looking at me. For a second, I want to give her everything she wants. I want to feel with Sadie what I felt with Paige 9 years ago. I move in for a kiss but I catch myself. This time, I know that I'm not scared that I've changed. This time, I know that if I do this, if I kiss Sadie now, she will just be a replacement for Paige.

"I might not ever be ready, Sadie.." I pull away from her, watching her eyes closely for any trace of hurt as I said what I said. She grabs my hands before I can remove them completely.

"Then at least I'm spending A LOT of time with the hottest girl in New York!" And she's back to her usual self. I stare at her, in awe of how she bounces back so easily.

"You're crazy, you know that?" I laugh.

"Crazy for you maybe, but just plain crazy? Not a chance. Come on, get your wonderful ass off the floor and into my car. We still have a chance to beat the tourists!" She pulls me up and drags me through my apartment.

Breakfast is waiting for me in the passenger seat – courtesy of Café Diem, of course. As Sadie drives, I can't help but notice how beautiful the day is. The following July 21's after Paige's death have all been beautiful. I know because every year since she passed away, I curse the skies for not matching my mood. All birds and sunshine when all I wanted was a few black clouds and some, if not lots, rain.

Last year, Sadie and I went out the day after I moved. She took me to see the Statue of Liberty saying that every New Yorker has seen it as a child, on a field trip. She also says that to go here as an adult is something a true New Yorker never does, unless you're introducing Ms. Liberty to someone. New Yorkers never go to tourist spots, in her opinion.

"Didn't you say last year that New Yorkers don't go to tourists spots? So why are we out to beat the tourists?" I adjust my sunglasses as I wait for her reply.

"Because you're a baby New Yorker, Ems. You have to go to the spots at least once. Most New Yorkers went there in elementary. I'm sparing you the shame of having to admit that you haven't been and I'm giving you the chance to date a super hot redhead!" She flashes her pearly whites.

"Apparently, you're not just crazy. You're crazy AND cute." I grin at her.

As we drive to our destination, wherever that may be, I think of both Paige and Sadie. How is it possible to have known Paige, and now Sadie, 2 amazing women in one lifetime? Everyday, I can't believe how wonderful Sadie is. She is nothing like Paige and yet, she reminds me of her in so many ways. Like how she won't take no for an answer. And how she can turn everything into an easy conversation, no matter how painful or heavy the topic is.

I'm not ready to let Paige go. She was my life, my future. I have never given myself to anyone as much as I have with her. I know I should move on. Everyone thinks it's high time I did. Everyone also thinks Sadie is God's way of saying sorry for taking Paige away from me. I don't know what to believe, actually. All I know is, right now, I just want to see what the day has in store for us.


	10. Chapter 10 - The Start and End

**Emily's POV**

Waiting for a stoplight to turn green is probably one of the most boring things in the world, unless you're with Sadie. She pushes on the gas pedal a few times, seemingly challenging the driver beside us to a race.

"Oh no, you don't! Behave please. You are not a child. This isn't my first time in your car, Dee. I do not need another initiation." I warn her. She ignores me and pushes down on the gas pedal again.

"I swear I will get out of this car and take a cab home if you step on that pedal before the light turns green!" I glare at her, taking my sunglasses off so she can see that I am actually glaring. She pouts at me before finally relaxing in her seat.

I know for a fact that she is in perfect control of her vehicle but sometimes she drives like she isn't. When I first rode in her car, she made it seem like she was a reckless driver, road raging and swearing at people. By the time we got to our destination, I was appalled and very grateful to still be alive. She believes it's a test or an initiation of some sort. If you can sit there and keep quiet while she's being the worst driver in the world, she knows you trust her driving skills. I didn't tell her I was just too scared she'd crash my side of the car into a tree if I actually said anything.

"Stoplights need to have a heat sensor or something. That way, they'd automatically turn green whenever I go near them." She states matter of factly.

"Oh, really? You're just THAT hot?" I raise my eyebrows at her, teasing.

"Yep! And you better stay away from stoplights too. You'd probably break them 'cos you're WAAAY hotter than I am." She flashes me a flirty smile. I strike the hottest sexiest model look I can muster when the light suddenly turns green. We stare at each other for a moment, astonished, before bursting into laughter.

"See. I told you." She says as our laughter dies down and she drives forward. Not long after, I receive a text message from Hanna.

"How's the trip going so far? Any progress with Sadie? Tell me everything later!" Of course, only Hanna would think this is actually a real date, rather than something Sadie and I both do to help each other ease through the pain of this day. I shake my head and brush it off, deciding to call my mom before we get to our destination. I kind of forgot to call her last night. The phone rings and she picks up quickly.

"Emily! How are you, honey? Having fun with Sadie? Your friends told me about your trip." It's so good to hear my mom's voice.

"Hi mom. How are you? We're still on the road."

"Hi Mrs. Fields! It's a real pleasure to drive your daughter around New York!" Sadie shouts. I look at her, horrified. My mom has no idea how my relationship with Sadie works. I have no doubt she'd be okay with her, but still, a little discretion wouldn't hurt.

"Is that Sadie? Tell her I said hi. Bring home a stuffed walrus if you see one. I'm going to save it for your dad's birthday. You know how his snores sound like a walrus."

"Mom, I-"

"I have to go, Emily. The painter's here. I'm redecorating the living room." My mom says in a hurried voice. She must be really missing my dad. That's what she does when she's having trouble handling his being away, she redecorates. She and Paige had a lot of bonding moments over that. There would be Skype calls, my mom holding the laptop out in front of her, showing Paige all the changes she made. There were times she was more in touch with my own girlfriend than I was. That's also one of the reasons I don't come home too often. Our house is like Paige's personal portfolio. The only room she hasn't touched is mine and that's only because she insists it's so me and she wants to keep it that way.

"Okay, mom. I really miss you.." My voice trails off. I didn't realize how much I miss her.

"I miss you too. And Emily?" She waits for my acknowledgement.

"Yeah?"

"Let time heal you, okay? Sometimes distractions help too. Sadie seems to be a nice g-"

"MOM!" I bark, exasperated. I take a glimpse at Sadie, thankful that she can't hear what my mom just said.

"I just want my little girl to be happy. Have fun and be careful, please. You almost fed yourself to the sea otters when you were a child." She ends the call. Otters? Before I can explore my thoughts, my phone beeps.

"Emily, I love you so I'm telling you this in advance since I won't be there to give you advice. It's a bad idea to get a stuffed penguin or basically anything that has to do with penguins. No matter how similar you may seem to one, you are NOT a penguin, okay? Remember that!" There's a line skip then a message from Aria in the same text. They must be together right now, drinking tea while Spencer reads the latest Psychology journals and Aria writes chapters.

"I totally agree with Spence. She just forced me to listen to a bunch of penguin trivia which I'm sure she'll do to you if you bring home anything resembling a penguin. Be wise and spare yourself. –Aria"

Why is everyone acting so weird? Hanna's text was the sanest one and that's saying something. I turn to Sadie who is focused on the road.

"Hey Sadie?" I chew on my lower lip, thinking about where we're headed.

"Yes, my lovely passenger?" She smiles at me, aware that I'm figuring things out.

"Where exactly are we going?" I ask, things falling into place in my head.

"You picked a weird time to ask. We're already here!" She stops and turns her head around, looking for parking.

"The New York Aquarium?" I gulp.

"Yes, the Aquarium. I told you we have to beat the tourists. There are only a few parking spaces left." She says to me while heading towards the empty spot nearest the entrance.

"Why here?" I feel tense.

"You love the water and I love me some Emily. So I figured bringing you here won't be a bad idea. What do you think?" She parks and is preparing to leave the car.

"I think.." I pause. The New York Aquarium is one of the places Paige and I dreamt of visiting together. We had a lot of lists and one of those was a list of places to go to after we graduate. I'm not sure I'm up for this today of all days. I'm not sure I can go inside and not think of her the whole time. It will be unfair to Sadie and it will just ruin our day. But I guess today isn't about Paige and what we had anymore. Today is about making new memories with someone else, someone who's come closest to making me feel as alive as I did when I was with Paige. I know that no one will ever replace her. No one can ever break my heart as much as she did when she passed away. She will always be my Paige, my soul mate, my forever. I owe it to myself and to Sadie to at least give whatever we have a chance. Besides, what would Paige say to me if I refused to visit those places just because she's not with me?

_You're wasting your life and your youth, Em._

That's what she'd say. I make a mental note to go over that list and plan to visit each one, in her memory.

I sit still for a while, closing my eyes, trying to drown out my memories – all the excited conversations and planning we used to do. I open my eyes and find Sadie looking at me. She knows I'm debating with myself over something and she's patiently waiting for my go signal that this is okay. She's so considerate, always putting my feelings first ahead of hers.

"It's a wonderful idea." I beam at her. She takes my hand in hers and we walk to the entrance. Once we get inside, I grab a map and take a picture of the scheduled show and feeding times for the day.

"Aren't you the little tourist?" Sadie rolls her eyes at me. "If I didn't like you as much as I do, I'd be embarrassed." She jokes.

"Ha-ha. Don't blame me when you find yourself inside one of the exhibits, begging me to save your ass." I joke back while looking at the map. I've seen this map before. Paige and I have downloaded it from the internet, contemplating our route. I justify thinking of Paige by choosing to use the same route we used to spend hours talking about.

"Well, that's some big leaps we're taking, don't you think? Earlier today you didn't even want to go out and now you're talking about my wonderful ass. Careful, Ems. I just might take you up on that offer." She gives me a nudge.

"Seriously? You're impossible!" I look away, trying to hide the blush creeping into my face. It's unbelievable how Sadie can turn things around. If a rollercoaster ride of emotions could kill, I'd be dead by now. At least with A, I was either terrified or angry. Not to say that I want A back but with Paige and Sadie, I'm always shifting between two ends of a pole. I feel a breeze, bringing with it the smell of fish, reminding me where I am.

"Okay, let's take pictures with the Bathysphere first to get that out of the way. We then head straight to the Sea Lion demonstration which starts at 11. We should be able to get good seats since it's only 10:30. After that, we check out both major exhibits. I figured we could skip lunch or just buy snacks and eat on the way to the Shark Tank. We have to get to Sea Cliffs by 2:30 because feeding time is at 3. Next, we head to the Conservation Hall and then Glover's Reef. For our last stop, the gift shop. Come on, walk faster! There's a lot of fish to see!" I say enthusiastically, hooking my arm around hers as I pull her towards the Bathysphere.

"Wow. Are you sure you haven't been here before? We should do this more often. Lieutenant Fields turns me on." I avoid looking at her, afraid I might have to own up to the truth and admit to myself that Paige is still on my mind. I haven't been here but it's not hard to memorize a route you've gone over hundreds of times before.

"Are you sure about that? I do believe that's my father you're talking about." I try to hide a smile, knowing full well what she means. Maybe my mom is right. Distractions can be a good thing and Sadie? She's turning out to be a very good distraction.

As we go about the day as planned, I feel pleased with myself. I have been able to keep thoughts about Paige to a minimum with my attention mostly on Sadie. This redhead is just one big ball of energy, engulfing me and making me feel like every day I'm with her is a day for change. I congratulate myself for doing so well despite the setback I had this morning.

We buy some fish sticks and finish eating outside the Shark Tank. We head inside and I can't help but gasp at the sight of these creatures. I used to say all the time that I am a shark. A huge part of my life revolved around being one. Seeing them up close, they look so majestic, gliding through the water, looking so vindictive. Exactly how Paige looks during a meet, just before she pulls her goggles over her eyes, always out to eat the enemy. No wonder she used to be the captain of the Rosewood Sharks. I walk a few steps ahead of Sadie. Once again, I can feel tears threatening to flow. I've been to other aquariums before and I've obviously seen sharks too but I have never felt like this. I feel so grateful for this creature. Although it was just a team name and a logo, it was what brought Paige to me. Before she became my love, before she became my friend, she was first a team mate.

"I didn't think you'd be so smitten by sharks." Sadie stops beside me.

"Oh, sorry. It's just.. I used to be in a swim team back in high school. We were called the Sharks." I whisper, still following the huge fish with my eyes.

"You don't look like a shark to me, Emily. Maybe a vegetarian one. One who's too nice to eat other fish." She pulls me towards the exit, probably sensing my grief. "Sea Cliffs by 2:30, right Sergeant?"

"Hey, I thought I was lieutenant?" I choose to leave Paige behind for a while and enjoy my time with Sadie.

"Yeah? Well, you've just been demoted." She tucks her hair behind her ears and places her hands in her pockets. She slows down, allowing me to pass her.

"And why is that?" I ask, turning around to look at her.

"For being too damn sexy in that denim skirt! Keep that up and you'll be discharged from my army." She takes a few steps towards me, tiptoes and kisses me on the cheek, then takes my arm and once again pulls me along. All I can do is follow her, half walking, half stumbling. How can a girl so small be so strong, literally and figuratively?

We walk through the underwater viewing area of Sea Cliffs, watching the penguins, otters, and seals swim around. At 2:45, we go back up and pick a nice viewing spot. We take pictures with our cameras and phones while we wait for the feeding to start. When the zoo keepers arrive, the penguins gather around them, all wanting some fish. They start stating facts and trivia about the birds. I listen secretly, remembering Spencer, curious as to what her text was all about.

"You might think that penguins are just like other birds and animals. But what most of you don't know is that they're more alike to humans than we think they are. Did you know that most penguins are monogamous? They only stick to one mate year after year. During mating season, male and female penguins gather at nesting grounds and find mates. Most of the time, females choose the same mate they had the previous season. On the off chance that they pick different male penguin, it's because the male is late returning to the colony or didn't return at all. Lovely, isn't it?" She said, nonchalantly as she handed out fish, like it was part of a script.

"I guess the human race could learn a thing or two about penguins." Sadie distracts me from the feeding.

"Let's head to the Conservation Hall and Glover's Reef." I say, suddenly tired. I'm tired of the penguins. I sure as hell am not buying any penguin souvenirs. I can already hear Spencer spouting out trivia and mentioning this – Penguins and monogamy. I can't bear to hear about it again.

I pass through the small aquariums and the turtles passively, heading out to the gift shop. So much for congratulating myself earlier today. How can I be so stupid to think that I can stop thinking of Paige? Everything reminds me of her. This whole damn place reminds me of her. I look at all the souvenirs, eager to get out of this place. I grab a stuffed walrus for my mom. I'm not even aware that I lost track of Sadie until she jumps in front of me, wearing a sea otter cap.

"That suits you. You should wear that while you serve your customers." I tell her as I get a stuffed shark – a tribute to the Rosewood Sharks and of course, to the captain.

"I doubt they'd want to buy coffee from a sea otter barista. Here, I was going to get you this but I'll pay for this one instead." She places a shark cap on top of my head, snatches the stuffed shark away from my hands and heads towards the counter.

"Sadie, wait!" I raise my voice a little and walk faster to stop her from paying for anything.

"What? You like the shark cap better? You look like a cute baby shark in it." She smiles gleefully.

"No, it's not that. I appreciate it, really. But I just.." I sigh. By now, my mood has changed completely and I just want to be alone. All the optimism I had today, about it being a day for new memories, has disappeared.

"I just want to pay for this on my own." I look down as I say this, mimicking Paige's habit. I feel like I have to apologize to Sadie. She steps away from the counter and lets me make my purchase. As we walk back to her car, we remain silent.

The drive back is taking longer than I expected. It seems like my thoughts have the power of slowing time. By the time we get back to Café Diem, it's almost dinner time. I sit at the bench outside, wondering if I should leave now or eat dinner here with Sadie. Before I can make up my mind, she takes a seat beside me, holding 2 plates of pizza.

"You have pizza here?" My eyes widen.

"No, I had Riley order this for us on the way back. I thought this might help you feel better when my flirting can't do the job anymore." How is it that she knows me so well?

"That's sweet. Thank you." I smile at her before taking a huge bite. Thinking of Paige made me forget that we only had snacks for lunch. I can't believe how hungry I am.

"Woah. I guess you have some shark in you, after all!" Sadie teases. I continue eating, smirking at her comment.

"Your ex-girlfriend. She was a Shark too, wasn't she? That's why you wanted to pay for the stuffed shark." She asks me, like she's just thinking out loud. I swallow and realize I owe Sadie an explanation.

"Yeah, she was. I'm sorry for how I acted at the gift shop. It just reminded me so much of her and though a lot of things do, somehow, this felt different. I wouldn't have met her if it weren't for the swim team. It's where it all started though it took a couple of years before we actually became friends. We both anchored a lot but she was the team captain." It feels good to talk to Sadie about this. I want to keep going but I hold myself back.

"God, I didn't know swimming is such a popular sport. My ex used to be on a swim team too. Captain, as well. You should meet her, since you both like swimming so much. She still swims thrice a week as part of her work out. I used to tease her a lot about all the working out she does. When we were still together, she ran everyday and swam thrice a week."

Running and swimming. That's also my work out routine, though I swim more often than I run. Paige used to run and swim everyday but that was way back when she was a part of the Sharks. She retained that routine when she joined Stanford's swim team except she trained with more passion. Come to think of it, Paige also became the captain of the Stanford Cardinal Swim Team. During her freshman year, she already anchored in almost half of their meets. She did all that while still being in the top of her class and not to mention, the best girlfriend in the world. Ugh, classic McCullers, always striving to be the best. Some people say the higher you go, the harder you fall. That wasn't true with Paige. She didn't know how to go anywhere else but up. I'm proud to say the only falling she did was with me and I wasn't going anywhere. The smell of pizza and my hunger is too great to ignore. Even Paige can't keep me away from my pizza.

"Isn't she an interior designer? I doubt she works out because of her job." I say before taking another bite.

"I used to think she had to bring in all the furniture herself with all the exercise she does. That was until she told me that she actually hires people to help her bring in and install the furniture." Sadie snorts. All this talking about our exes.. I can't help but think that if Paige were still alive, I'd mistake her for Sadie's ex-girlfriend. Of course, if she were still alive, she'd be with me and not anyone else.

"Some people just like to stay fit, you know." I smile at what Sadie said. Maybe it's just because Paige also wanted to become an interior designer so I know it doesn't work the way Sadie thought it did. I think it's cute how she can be childlike sometimes. I finish my pizza and wipe my mouth with a napkin.

"Well, I know that now. All that training did her body wonders. And oh god, her stamina." Sadie says with dreamy eyes. I throw my balled up napkin at her.

"If you're going to tell me all about your sexcapades again, I'm gonna leave now. You share too much information when it comes to that topic." I stand up to leave.

"Fine. Leave me to my sex memories, Fields." She stands up too and I walk her back to the door. I hug her tight.

"Thanks for dinner and thanks for the really fun day. I enjoyed the aquarium." I say before letting go. I really mean it.

"Even after the penguins?" What did I expect? Sadie always notices those things.

"It just came too close for comfort, Dee." I mumble.

"It's okay. You know the route you had planned? That's exactly the same route my ex and I took when we went there. What a big coincidence, right?" She purses her lips.

"Hey Sadie! I saw this stuck on the bench this morning. Maybe it's for you! Hey Emily!" Riley hands Sadie a folded up post-it note and waves at me before he goes back to serving coffee.

"Damn that Riley. Folding a post-it. If this is so important, they would have called or actually left a decent letter." Sadie grumbles. She tries to open it for a few seconds then gives up. The edges are stuck together. It is after all, a post-it. She throws it inside my bag of stuffed animals instead. "There, you have it. You're more patient than I am when it comes to those things. If it's some important message for me, although I highly doubt that by the way it was delivered via bench mail, I trust you enough to pass it on."

I laugh at her annoyance with the post-it. Sadie is patient with a lot of things and this is obviously not one of them. She turns around and goes back inside. I begin my walk home.

I started the day thinking about Paige and here I am, ending it, still thinking of her. I think about how I can move on if she's always on my mind. I don't think of her on purpose. I experience one thing, even though it's new, and something just always reminds me of her. Maybe that's how it is when you've been with someone long enough and have set your mind and heart to be with that person the rest of your life. And once you lose them, you never get used to their absence. You just learn to exist around it. You didn't know it but when you still had them, they took up residence in every nook and cranny of your being.

The thing is, I don't want to stop thinking of Paige. As much as it breaks me to think of her, it's also what keeps me going. When I'm not in my slump, when I'm my normal self and I feel unsure of anything, I think of Paige and how certain she seemed to be of everything. When I feel burnt out with swimming, I recall all the times we had fun swimming together. When I feel like nothing's going right, when I feel dead inside, remembering how we used to be reminds me that I'm capable of feeling safe and content and thriving, that once in my life I was able to feel that.

Paige will always be a part of my life, a part of me, now more than ever. I may have new girlfriends or love interests or distractions. On second thought, maybe I should just learn to be happy living my life in the company of friends and family. Because at the end of the day, when I feel incapable of being myself and of being human, the only person who can hold me and pull me back together hasn't changed. It's still her. It's still Paige McCullers.


	11. Chapter 11 - Ex Marks The Spot

**Paige's POV**

One of the perks of being an interior designer is not having to work in an office. My work place consists of a small room in my apartment which I don't even have to use unless I want to, the area I'm going to redesign, and whatever store where I can buy design pieces I need. I am basically a bum who loves to turn empty spaces into something cohesive and functional. I believe I have the best job in the world.

I'm not famous or anything. I haven't done any celebrity homes or been featured in a magazine. But I can proudly say that I have built a reputation, or at least the beginnings of one, in the interior design world. Enough for people who want a certain style to come searching for me. I am best at joining 2 contrasting things together, each one complimenting the other, making them seem like they actually belong together. I can't remember all the places I've done but honestly, sentiments aside, Cafe Diem is still by far, the one I'm most proud of. It just shows so much of my personal style. If I was in Sadie's place, I'd probably have it changed after what happened. I'm really glad she didn't though. I decide to drop by after my workout to see how she's doing.

I walk up to the counter, nervous as hell. I see Riley manning the cashier. Sadie is probably at the back, getting coffee beans or something. True enough, I eye Sadie come out of the back room and call Riley over. Her red hair, flowing just a little past her shoulders bounces in beat with her steps. She runs her hand over it, flipping it all casually to one side. She's wearing that cute yellow dress that makes her look like the sun in the middle of Cafe Diem's garden. I'm the second person in line and I instantly regret not even changing out of my workout clothes. I can feel beads of sweat drawing a line from my nape down to my back. That's how sweaty I am. That's how unprepared I am, appearance wise, for this meeting that will probably be shocking for her but not for me. My stupidity knows no bounds. I plan for this and yet, I come here looking like crap.

As she heads towards the counter, I fidget, toying with the idea of just leaving. My nerves get the best of me and I turn around to leave but not before we catch each other's eye. I stop breathing for a moment. Her stare turns the clock back 2 years. She must have felt it too because a second later, she clears her throat and shifts her eyes back to the customer in front of me. She goes about the routine, taking down the patient's order, shouting it to Riley, gets the payment and gives the change back - all with a smile. When I hear the cashier drawer close, she is looking down at the counter. She takes a deep breath before she returns her gaze to me.

It's a good thing I was the last person in line. Because we spend minutes just standing there, staring at each other. I urge myself to say something, to start a conversation about anything, just to make things less awkward. I didn't realize how difficult this would be. It used to be insanely easy to talk to Sadie. But a lot of time has passed and it seems like we're just strangers now. Except we're not. We share a history. No matter how uncomfortable things are between us right now, I can't deny that we have 2 years' worth of memories. Those are memories I remember, memories I haven't forgotten, memories I didn't lose 4 years ago. Ever since I learned of my amnesia, I have always felt like I have to hold on to new experiences because they have to make up for all the ones I can't remember. Thinking like this gave me so many wonderful stories to tell. And my stories of Sadie? They're the best ones I've got.

"Hi." I say.

"Hi." She replies.

"I'll have a cappuccino with a dash of mint and cinnamon, please." I end with a smile. She looks at me like I'm out of my mind.

"You did not just come here after 2 years, only to order coffee, Lia!" She crosses her arms. It comes to me as a surprise that she still calls me by my second name. She always liked Lia over Paige. She says it sounds dainty and so unlike me. I don't say anything. She reluctantly shouts out my order to Riley as she figures out that I won't cancel my order.

"How much will that be?" I take out some bills and coins from my pocket.

"Really? You're seriously getting your coffee here?" She glares at me and I can feel her anger. I hold my ground. "Fine. That'll be $1.50." She manages to say through gritted teeth. I pay for my coffee, putting all my change in the tip jar. I move away from the cashier and wait at a nearby table for my drink.

"Paige! You're back!" Riley exclaims as he carefully hands me my coffee. "I knew it was you! You're the only one who orders cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. Are you here to get Sadie back? You should, you should! It's been too long since, you know, she's had any action. In the bedroom, if you know what I mean." He winks at me. Sadie is on him like a hawk.

"RILEY! You better get your ass behind this counter if you want to keep your job!" She barks at him. I can almost see steam coming out of her ears. She turns to me and I can only do so much to stop myself from cringing.

"And YOU! I don't know what you're deal is but you sure as hell are NOT going to get it." She stomps off to the back room. I pick up my cappuccino and take a sip, knowing full well that all eyes are on me. Everyone must be wondering what I did to make the barista so angry. I hear banging and some swearing coming from the back room. I consider going to her to talk things out but I didn't want to impose. I came here of my own free will. I have the upper hand here. I've had the time to think things through. She needs to process my presence in her cafe. Most importantly, she needs to get used to the idea of me again. She comes out after a few more minutes, a smile plastered on her face. I drink my coffee slowly, pretending to watch the people around me.

Sadie hasn't changed one bit. Her petite frame still makes me wonder how she can have so much energy, chatting up everyone every once in a while, except me, of course. Her red hair occasionally gets in the way of her eyes and she does her signature hand-over-the-forehead move to keep it away from her face. That's what attracted me to her in the first place - that this woman can do such a manly move and make it look so sexy.

"Won't you just leave already?" She says as she gives me a refill. She's still angry but I know it'll pass. I know because if she really hates me, she wouldn't be the one serving me my coffee. No doubt she thinks she's so stealthy but I can feel her staring at me when she thinks I'm not looking and I also notice how she lingers just a few seconds longer at my table than she does at others.

I look at my watch. It's almost lunch time. I drink my coffee in one go and then get up to leave. I don't want to, actually. But I must be stinking up the place by now. I decide to head home, shower, and spend the rest of the day back here, forcing Sadie to admit to herself that she doesn't actually hate me. We both know we're playing a game.

"You make great coffee. Thank you." I grin at her and walk away, leaving her speechless.

Once I get home, I take a bath right away. I pick a simple red sleeveless shirt to go with my jeans and low cut boots. I grab my denim vest on the way out. As I head over to Café Diem, I prepare myself for the dagger looks I'm surely going to get from Sadie once she sees I've come back.

I take a seat in a different table this time, one closer to the display case of cakes. I get a glimpse of Sadie through the clear case, taking out a slice of pie. I wave to her. Her eyes widen, like a deer caught in headlights, almost dropping the slice. I look away for a while, waiting for her to approach me. She walks over to my table, holding a box, no doubt containing the slice of pumpkin pie. She sits on the chair in front of me, her face emotionless.

"I don't have time for this, Lia. What do you want?" She puffs out.

"Pie for me? Or taking it out for someone else?" I ask inquisitively, aware that she's getting annoyed by the minute.

"It's for someone else." She says without blinking. I grab the box, open it, find the fork inside, and take a bite. This should prevent her from leaving, or at least keep her here if only just to grab another slice.

"HEY! What the hell is wrong with you?!" She slams her palm down on the table. I don't even flinch. I look her directly in the eye.

"I just want to eat this pie. And talk." I take another forkful and put it in my mouth. I close my eyes, throw my head back and moan, savouring the flavour. "Your pumpkin pie tastes soooo good!" When I open my eyes, her face has softened. I still know her. She is a total sucker for compliments regarding her pies, especially when it's accompanied by sounds of pleasure.

"I know what you're doing. Stop it!" She blushes.

"Okay, okay. It's true though. Taste it." I hold the fork out to her, wiggling it, daring her to take it. I see a look of irritation cross her face before she grabs the fork, takes some pie and shoves it in her mouth. She swallows.

"There, happy? Now what do you really want?" She is pleading with her eyes.

"I really do just want to talk, Sades. I want to be friends, if that's okay with you. Look, we're sharing some pie already." I smile confidently.

"Friends? You walked out on me, Lia. I asked you one question, ONE question." She stares at me with a pained expression. Even after 2 years, she still doesn't get it.

"That one questions covers a hundred more questions left unsaid, Sadie. Will you marry me isn't just one question. It's everything. Will you love me for the rest of your life? Will you promise to hold me through my darkest nights? Will you grow old with me? Will you accept all my flaws? The list goes on and on. I didn't say no because I didn't love you. I said no because I wasn't prepared. I would have said no regardless of who asked. It just so happened that you did." I try to explain that it was never about her. I thought she knew me well enough to know that but apparently she doesn't.

"And are you ready now? Is that why you're here?" A look of comprehension replaces the hurt in her eyes.

"Sadie, I'm not going to lie to you. I've been single since we broke up and there have been countless times when I wanted to get you back. But I don't regret saying no. I'm not here to tell you that I'm ready now just to win you over. Can you imagine how unhappy you'd be if I actually said yes?" I look away from her and down at my hands. This conversation is getting tougher by the minute.

"Can you imagine how happy you would have made me if you actually said yes.." She's crying now. I can still see the familiar tremble in her hand which used to be a sign that she needed me and I fight the urge to wipe her tears away.

"For a while, maybe. But then I'd be unhappy and eventually, my unhappiness will eat our relationship and our marriage to the core. If we had children by the time that happens, we'd be damaging their lives in the process." I hold myself back, telling myself it's for the best.

"I can't believe we're talking about our imaginary children from a marriage that didn't even happen." She laughs and wipes her tears with the back of her hand. She feels jaded to me. Did I really do this to her?

"I'm not here to lead you on, Sades. Like I said, I want us to be friends. We have a lot of unfinished business, mostly because I left without so much as an explanation and I'm really sorry for that. I had myself convinced that no explanation was needed. You know me." My voice is soft now. I feel it in my shoulders, the heaviness of her pain. Yet, I feel lighter than I ever have in the past 2 years. She doesn't say anything and I don't pressure her into talking. I let her digest everything we just said to each other. I give her time. When she does talk, she does so with a certain peacefulness.

"Yeah, I do know you. You're a stubborn pain in the ass." She smirks and holds her arms out in front of her, wanting a hug. I don't hesitate. I wait for Sadie to close shop and we head straight to her house.

I don't know how many cups of coffee we drank that night. Or how many cocktails we made once Sadie brought out her bottle of Kahlua. What I'm sure of is it was one of the best nights of my life. We talked about what we were up to, the real reason why she never changed her interiors, the girl she's been flirting with who's apparently also still head-over-heels in-love with her dead ex-girlfriend. I laugh so loud at the last part, my drink practically came out of my nose. It's so unbecoming, I know. But it feels really, REALLY good to finally be able to do this, to talk to her like nothing bad happened between us. We share a moment of silence.

"I still cry over you, you know, on bad days. But I have more good ones than bad ones now and I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a place where I'll only ever have good ones. I didn't know it but I needed the closure. Thanks for being brave enough to come here." She whispers before she downs a shot. "I really thought you were the one I'd spend the rest of my life with." She pours another cocktail and hands it to me.

"I'm jealous of you, Sades. I haven't felt that with anyone. I'm jealous of you because you know what that certainty feels like. I'm just sorry it was with the wrong person." I take a sip of my cocktail. Despite the huge amount of alcohol in both our systems, we are far from drunk. We used to have alcohol night almost every weekend with Angel and our other friends. We are veterans when it comes to drinking. So I know that though we look like a couple of fools, the conversation is real.

"I don't regret any of it, Lia.. I'm just really thankful I have someone who kept me sane during those bad days." There is a glimmer in her eyes. I know who she's talking about. She may not be over me right now but she will be soon.

"So do I get to meet this girl with the dead ex-girlfriend or what? What's her name?" I'm curious. I feel protective of Sadie and I want to make sure this girl is worth it.

"Her name's Emily. I think you'll get along very well." There is an excitement in her voice I can't quite place.

"Emily.. Emily, huh?" I don't know any Emilys but the name rings a bell. I recall E and how Emily was one of the names I thought of. I like how it sounds and how it rolls off my tongue. I can't explain it but when I say her name, it feels like it belongs there, like I'm meant to say the name over and over.

"You should meet her, McCullers. You guys have a lot in common. She loves to swim and she loves the Aquarium too. She has an affinity for sharks."

"Sharks? And she's still hung up over her ex-girlfriend who's been dead for 4 years? She sounds intense." I get a flashback – my blue bathing suit with the shark logo. I rub my temples. The alcohol is getting to me and if I want to make it home in one piece, I know we should call it a night. I start to clean up.

"You'll meet her soon enough. Just remember, she's mine!" She wipes the table while I wash the glasses – the same dynamic we've had ever since. She need not worry. My mind is preoccupied with thoughts of some girl who might not even exist.

"Don't worry, Sades. She's all yours." I hug Sadie goodbye. I can't believe how much progress I've made in one night. I didn't expect things to end this well between Sadie and I. Then again, even during our worst fights, we were always quick to patch things up. Granted, some angry sex was usually involved but that's beside the point.

I ride my bike home, savouring the cool night air of the city, thinking of E. I can't wait for the time when I'm walking down these same streets with her. No offense to this Emily girl but the only way she will ever compare to my dream girl is if she and E are one and the same. And judging by the way things are going for me and E, whose name I don't even know, I highly doubt it. The universe likes to keep its best kept secret a secret from me.


	12. Chapter 12 - Drowning in Emily

**I can't thank everyone enough for the wonderful reviews and PMs I've been getting. :) I hope you all like this chapter. :)**

**Keep the reviews and the PMs coming. I enjoy reading about what you guys think, positive or otherwise. :)**

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**Paige's POV**

When I wake up today, I can feel my head pounding. Is it possible to get a hangover without getting drunk? Ugh. I'm sure I went home tipsy, not drunk. If I was, I'd probably be waking up in Sadie's bed right now. I'm the worst drunk ever. Falling all over myself, being extremely loud and brutally honest, and for some reason, I get weirdly addicted to coconut cupcakes.

I get up. My head feels like a brick. I remind myself to quit with the drinking or at least to drink less like a truck driver. I suddenly feel too old for the alcohol and decide to go for wine next time. I always said I wanted to be more sophisticated. I laugh at myself while I put my running attire on. The best way to get rid of all this alcohol in my system is exercise. Yes, even with a major headache. I have learned and relearned this too many times to ignore it. Alcohol is a toxin and my body is full of it. What better way is there to flush out toxins than exercise and lots of water.

Twenty minutes of intense running on the treadmill and I feel brand new already. Sweaty, yes, but brand new. I usually run outside. But waking up with a headache, I'm not up for the morning hustle and bustle of New York City. I continue my workout for the rest of the hour. When I hear my phone ring, I decide I'm done for the day. I answer the phone, still catching my breath.

"Hello?" I breathe heavily.

"Hi, good morning." There was a long pause.

"Hello? Are you still there? I'm sure you didn't just call to greet me a good morning." I don't mean to be rude but I don't know who this guy is. I'm pretty sure there's something else he wants to say other than good morning because like I said, why call a random person just to greet them a good morning?

"Oh yes. Yes." He clears his throat. "Um, I-I'm sorry. I got distracted for a while. May I please speak with Ms. Paige McCullers?" He seems hesitant.

"Speaking. May I know who this is?" I'm starting to get annoyed.

"Oh! Good morning again, Ms. McCullers! I'm Gregory Geith. You can call me George. I got your number from Ms. Angelinette Winters." I can hear Angel in my head. _Wait for his call, okay angel pie?_

"Yeah, she told me you might call. Any chance we can meet up today? Show me the space I will be working with and talk about what you want it to look like?" This is how I work. I instantly immerse myself in it. I want every client of mine to feel that they are my priority.

"Okay. Sure. That would be great! We can meet at Café Diem. Do you know that place? My place is a bit hard to find. I'll bring my car." What a small world. How fortunate that Sadie and I fixed things only yesterday. Café Diem is becoming quite the meet-up place.

"Yeah, I know Café Diem. What time should I be there?" I hope I have time to take a shower.

"How about 12 noon? We can talk over lunch then drive over to my place afterwards." Despite his stuttering a while ago, I'm starting to like this George guy. I find the best clients are those who are eager to get into things as soon as possible.

"Okay. See you at 12 then." Before I put the phone down, I suddenly remember one important thing. "Oh, wait! How will I know what you look like, by the way?" I ask, smiling sheepishly to myself.

"Don't worry. I know what you look like. See you!" I can hear him grinning. I don't know whether to feel creeped out or not. He doesn't sound like a stalker, does he? I'm probably just being paranoid, I think as I walk towards the bathroom.

I arrive 30 minutes earlier than I expected. I hug Sadie and order a cappuccino. She's wearing a dress again today. Maybe her fashion style has changed since we broke up. She used to wear jeans all the time, regardless of how many times I tell her how beautiful she looks in dresses.

"On the house. An apology for how I treated you yesterday. What are you doing here, by the way?" She sits down on my table, leaving Riley to man the café for a while.

"I'm here to meet a client. You don't have to do this. If anyone should apologize, it should be me." I look down. I suddenly feel shy and nervous. How could she possibly think that making me feel unwelcome yesterday can equate to what I did 2 years ago?

"Hey." She touches my hand. "We're good now. Just drink your coffee. I know you don't really need it, judging by how awesome you look, but I also know you can't function well without your coffee." She gives me a warm smile.

"I'm more of a tea person now, actually. Healthier choice." I take a sip of my cappuccino.

"And yet you drank how many cups of coffee yesterday?" She raises one of her eyebrows at me.

"Yeah, well.. That was a coffee binge. I miss coffee too, you know."

"Just the coffee?" She winks at me.

"God, Sades. You're flirting with me already? Can't you pretend for a little while that you're over me before you start throwing yourself at me?" I smirk while she stares at me silently.

"Crap. Too soon? I'm sorry. I did miss you though." I say awkwardly, squirming in my seat.

"Oh Lia, after all these years." She looks at me with her big eyes and a frown. I go through ways I can redeem myself when her tone changes. "You never learn. I just LOVE seeing you squirm!" She walks away, laughing her head off as I sit there, stunned.

"I'll get you for that one, Sades! You better watch your back!" I shout as I recovered, my face turning red as a tomato. That girl, I swear. She really hasn't changed much. If she wasn't flirting, she was playing pranks on me to get me to flirt with her. It's one of the reasons we clicked. She likes to keep things fun. She doesn't like talking about anything serious or any of her problems, in general. She'd rather flirt her way through life. She's not one of those girls who literally flirts with everyone though. I mean, she kinda is, in a way. Most of it is harmless flirting. You'd know she's into you when she starts taking you out. She'd still flirt with other people though but once you have her heart, she drops everyone else and focuses on you. She is one of the most faithful and honest people I know. Once we became a couple, I never even heard her say as much as a one-liner to anybody else. That's how faithful she is. I got jealous a couple of times when someone flirts with her but I was never worried and she never flirted back.

"Ms. McCullers, hi!" I look at the outstretched hand in front of me, confused. "It's George. Gregory Geith? We talked on the phone a while ago?" I was so distracted by Sadie, I completely forgot why I was here! I shake his hand.

"Y-yeah! Hi! Have a seat." I point to the chair in front of me and brush my hair behind my ears. "Sorry, I was a little distracted." I see Sadie glance our way, obviously curious.

"Happens to the best of us." I remember his own incident a while ago when we were talking on the phone. Sadie walks over.

"What are you guys having?" She says nonchalantly, holding out her pen. Her posture right now reminds me a waitress at a diner, trying to hide her interest.

"Give the guy a menu, Sades." I tell her. What is up with Sadie?

"Georgie here doesn't need a menu. He's a regular. A shy one." She says to me then turns to George. "Glad you finally decided to sit down and have a meal here rather than order take-out, Georgie. What changed your mind?" The poor guy is clearly intimidated by Sadie and she knows it. She's taunting him.

"Uh. I-I was just having a meeting with Ms. McCullers here." Is he sweating? For real?

"Ms. McCullers? You mean, Lia? Georgie boy, you're finally getting that house of yours an overhaul?" Sadie is enjoying this. Too much, actually.

"Okay, that's enough, Sades! Leave him alone. Get him his regular order and I'll have the smoked salmon garden salad. Go. Shoo. Get working." I roll my eyes at her.

"You're no fun, McCullers. Hmph." She walks away with a pout. I forgot how she can be such a child, sometimes. I shake my head.

"Sorry about that. Are you okay?" I ask George.

"Y-yeah. I'm sorry. Sadie is.. well.." He blushes.

"Aw how cute! You have a huge crush on Sadie!" He sinks lower in his seat.

"Shhh. Not so loud! She might hear you. I don't get it. I'm a swimming coach. I train professional swimmers. One of my best swimmers is a close friend of Sadie's. That's how I met her. I'm usually confident and sure of myself but when Sadie is around, I don't know what happens. I just turn into a blubbering mess." He wipes beads of sweat on his forehead before he gives me a nervous smile.

"Uh, George? You do know that Sadie's a lesbian, right?" I try to let him down easy, in case he doesn't.

"Yes, I do. But you know, feelings. You can't just turn them off." He looks around anxiously.

"Don't worry, she's in the kitchen. I'll handle it when she gets back." I smile at him. I'm sure Sadie is aware he has a crush on her. "Well, since we've skipped the what's-your-favorite-color part in the getting-to-know-you area, you can call me Paige. Sadie stubbornly calls me Lia, my second name."

"Paige Lia McCullers, right. Hi Paige. Sadie calls me Georgie instead of George." He seems like a sweet guy. If Sadie was straight, I'd totally set the two of them up.

"Yeah, that's her thing." It's true.

"The names?" George is sitting casually on his chair now.

"That and being stubborn." We both laugh. We stop and try to put on a straight face when Sadie comes back with our food.

"Well, don't stop on my account. What are we laughing about?" She hands us our plates. George and I look at each other, grinning, hardly able to contain our laughter.

"You." I say, before we both burst into laughter again.

"I hope you both choke on your meals then. Seriously though Georgie, Lia will do wonders for your house. Just look at Café Diem, this is all her." She twirls around with open arms. George is speechless.

"Okay, time for you to go. George and I have to talk business now." I push her away gently.

"Careful, Lia. That's the second time you've pushed me away today. Keep doing that and I might think you'd walk out on me again." She holds my hand in hers and bats her eyes at me dramatically.

"Sadie! You're unbelievable!" I push her away with more force, something I should have done earlier. She giggles, finally walking away.

"Wow. You guys are really close." He talks in between bites of his chicken kiev.

"Sadie used to be my ex-girlfriend." I wait for his reaction. He isn't the least bit fazed.

"That's explains it. Wait, do you know Emily? She's one of the swimmers I train and she's Sadie's friend too. I think they have something going on." Who in the world is this Emily? I keep hearing about her. She always manages to pop up in conversations I have with people.

"I don't know her. But yeah, I heard Sadie likes her. Any chance this Emily likes her back?" My snooping skills suck, I know.

"I have no idea. Maybe she does and she's just too busy crying over her ex-girlfriend. That girl has some serious issues." His forehead creases and his expression changes to one of worry. Emily must be one lucky girl to have so many people care about her.

"Oh yeah, the ex-girlfriend who passed away years ago. Sadie also told me about that. I don't mean to sound insensitive or anything, but I'm pretty sure Sadie is better than a dead ex-girlfriend." I chew on some greens.

"I agree with you. She's great most of the time. She just gets messed up around this time of the year because of her ex's death anniversary. She's usually back to her normal self after a month, give or take a few days." He talks about her like he knows her so well. I guess if you're going to train somebody, you should get to know all their flaws, in swimming or otherwise. Before I can respond, George steers the conversation back to what we are really supposed to be talking about.

"That's why I think now is the best time to get my house fixed, with Emily on her hiatus and all." He spreads his arms out, palms open and pointing up. "You did this? I don't know what made me speechless a while ago, Sadie's twirling or the fact that you did this. I'm impressed! Everytime I come here, I swear to myself I'll ask Sadie who designed Café Diem and get that person to do my house. I never got around to asking her though. Did you do Angel's house too?" It's hard not to get pulled into his excitement.

"Thanks for the compliment. I did Café Diem years ago when Sadie and I were still together. Anyway, I didn't do Angel's house. She's my best friend. How did you meet her? She said she met you during one of her recording sessions?" I like building rapport with my clients. Sometimes I get to meet introverts and it's more of a challenge to talk to them. It's a good thing George only turns into one when Sadie's around.

"Well, how about that? The owner of the recording studio is my best friend. When I told him about wanting to transform my house, he told me about Angel who knew an interior designer. She showed me your picture on her phone, by the way. That's why I know what you look like. I was intent on getting Café Diem's interior designer but I decided to give Angel's friend a chance. I couldn't be any happier that they are one and the same. Taking chances really pays off." He smiles at me, as if already thanking me for a job well done. Knowing Angel showed him my picture lets me breathe easier. At least he's not a stalker.

"Yeah, I guess you can say that." I smile back. I decide that I like George. I can't wait to see his space and what I can do with it.

We drive to his house as he tells me about what he wants and how he wants things to look. I'm glad he had enough sense to ask me to meet him in Café Diem instead. I would have gotten lost had we decided to meet in his house. He parks his car in front a small Victorian house with a lawn and a white picket fence. I get out the car, trying to take everything in.

"You live HERE?" I can only stare in awe. The light blue house even has a tower. "It's so beautiful. I think I'm having a house-gasm." I get that tingly feeling that usually comes with goosebumps. He laughs and leads me toward the house.

"It used to be my grandparents' actually. Then it became my parents' and now it's mine. I love the architecture. It's the interior that I'm not so keen on. When I moved into an apartment, I thought I was finally rid of all the old furniture. But when my parents died in a car accident, I just couldn't bring myself to sell the place." He explains as we walk towards his home.

"I'm sorry to hear about your parents." I say in condolence.

"It's okay, it's been years. They loved the interiors, I don't. I won't sell the furniture because they're considered family heirlooms, I guess. I'm willing to keep a few as long as it ties with the new design. The others will go to storage. I think it's a little too aged and stuffy for me and my 5 year old daughter." This guy is just full of surprises. As he opens the door, I get a glimpse of the inside. It's true to its name, all right. Everything is Victorian, from the layout to the furniture, down to the wallpaper.

"DADDY!" A little girl with pigtails wearing a plastic crown runs over to George.

"Hi baby. Did you have fun at Cynthia's?" George waves at an elderly woman standing outside the house next to his.

"She made me pancakes, daddy." She says as George picks her up. "I like her but she smells like a carrot." She whispers in her dad's ear.

"What did I say about smelling people, Sophia?" George looks at her sternly, trying to hide the smile forming on his lips.

"Don't tell anyone what people smell like unless they smell nice." She points to me. "She smells like vanilla, daddy. I like her." I smile at her. George opens the front door and puts Sophia down. She immediately bolts upstairs towards her room.

"I'm sorry about Sophia. She's in a phase where she likes to smell people."

"It's a good thing I smell nice then. She's so adorable, George." I tell him, giddy at having met his daughter. I love kids. I always thought that if I don't have a wife by the time I'm 35, I'm adopting one of my own.

"Tell me that when you're so engrossed in a TV show and you blink then suddenly you're watching reruns about a sponge living inside a pineapple under the sea."

"You don't like spongebob?" I tease him. It's so easy to talk to George. I already feel like I've known him for a long time.

"He is not timeless. FRIENDS, on the other hand, that's timeless. But Spongebob? No." He says indignantly.

"I doubt Sophia's old enough to watch FRIENDS." I smirk and look around. "So let's get to work. Show me your home." I take out my camera, ready to take videos and pictures. "You don't mind, do you? I like to take videos of what the space looks like, what the client has to say about it, and what they envision the space to be. I also like to take pictures of the rooms. If that's all okay with you, of course."

"Yes. Sure sure, go ahead. Maybe we should start with Sophia's room since she's still awake. She might be asleep by the time we're done with the whole house. Her room isn't really age appropriate." We walk upstairs towards Sophia's room. George knocks a few times before Sophia opens her door, wearing a pink tutu now.

"Is the vanilla lady here to fix my room?" She looks at me shyly, hiding her hands behind her and swaying her torso side to side.

"She doesn't talk to people I haven't introduced to her yet. I'm sorry she keeps referring to you in the 3rd person." George kneels down and pulls Sophia gently towards me. "Sophia, this is Paige McCullers. She's here to fix the house and make it just the way we like it." She widens her big hazel eyes in excitement.

"You can call me Paige, Sophia. I didn't expect to meet a pretty princess today." I extend my hand out but she ignores it. She runs to me and hugs me instead.

"I like you, Paige! And your smell too. Wanna see my room?" She pulls me inside. It's age inappropriate, alright. It looks like a master's bedroom for an old English couple. Everything is fluffy and quilted. Not to say that that's a bad thing. It's just not for 5 year old girls. I turn my camera on and start to take a video. I go through the room once then turn to Sophia.

"So tell me princess, what do you like about your room?" I ask. She giggles at the camera.

"I like this chair. Can I keep it in my new room? Daddy reads to me here. Grammy too before she went to heaven." She sits on a chair that's too big for her. It's white, Victorian of course, with pink floral cushions. It's actually a very nice piece.

"Okay. Anything else you want to keep?" I smile at her, showing her she's doing great.

"Uhm.. Can I keep my toys and my clothes?" She asks in a soft voice. Her forehead crinkles with concern. George laughs and picks his daughter up. He sits on the chair, placing her on his lap.

"Of course, honey. Your toys and clothes aren't going anywhere. It's the room we're changing. Now tell Paige what else you want in your new room." He kisses the top of her head.

"I want it to be pink because princesses look pretty in pink. And blue because I like swimming and I want to swim like Emily." There's her name again. It seems like she's everywhere. So many people love her. It's either the world is just a small place or she's just that lovable. Is it even possible to be that endearing? Does she have any enemies at all? "Paige, do you like girls too?" I was temporarily lost in my thoughts that Sophia's question catches me off guard. Before I can reply, George starts to lecture his daughter.

"Watch your manners, young lady! You don't ask people those kinds of questions. You wait for them to tell you themself. Now, I want you to apologize to Paige." Sophia looks like she's about to cry.

"It's okay, George. I don't mind, really. I was just caught off guard by how smart Sophia is. Not many 5 year olds know what being gay means." I smile at Sophia before she bursts into tears. I use my eyes to ask George if I can hold Sophia for a while. I sit down on the floor and gesture for her to come closer. She approaches me, still in tears.

"I'm sorry for being rude." She sobs, covering her face in my neck. George disappears into the hallway.

"It's okay, princess. To answer your question, yes, I do like girls. Why do you ask?" I smooth her hair and wipe her eyes with my hands. She looks up at me, eyes still red from crying. She sniffs.

"Because I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen." I find myself blushing. "Emily is really pretty too. Maybe you can make her happy? I don't want her to cry anymore. Daddy says broken hearts are really hard to fix but maybe you can fix hers." And here I was, thinking how adorable it is for a little girl to have a crush on someone much much older than she is, only to have her push me towards Emily. Why is everyone trying to fix her heart while all she does is cry all over New York, putting her broken heart on display for everyone to see? She's even got this innocent 5 year old worried about her.

"Paige?" Sophia whispers.

"Yes, princess?"

"Will you still fix my room?" She sniffs, once again teary-eyed.

"Of course! Let's make a deal. You tell me everything you want in your room and I promise to fix it up the best that I can. And no more crying. Okay?" I wrap my arms around her, giving her a tight hug.

"Okay!" She grins at me. She gets up and starts describing every detail she can think of. George comes back with some drinks and snacks while Sophia and I are busy talking about her room.

By the time we finish, it's late. George is kind enough to call me a cab. That was a pretty exhausting but fun-filled day. I check my phone, forgetting the whole time that I had it with me. There's a text from Sadie which I got at 6:30 pm.

"Hey Lia. Emily's eating dinner at Café Diem. Want to drop by? It'll give you a chance to meet her and see just how amazing she is." This Emily is really starting to get on my nerves. I don't know anything about her and yet, it's like everyone has made it their personal goal to get me to meet her.

"Sorry, just read your text. I'm on my way home from George's. I met Sophia. She's so cute! Taxi, 1T83. Text you when I get home." I don't know why but everytime I ride a cab, I make sure to text the medallion number to someone who knows how to contact my parents. I have safety issues, I guess. Angel makes fun of me sometimes, telling me my instincts still haven't adapted to New York.

* * *

_I feel awful. My nose is stuffy and it's so hard to breathe. I grab some tissue but instead, I get hold of an empty box. I groan. I walk gingerly to the bathroom, using anything I can grab on to for support. I snatch a roll of tissue paper from under the sink cupboard before I get a glimpse of myself in the mirror. God, I feel AND look awful. My nose is so red I'd make Rudolph jealous and there are dark circles around my eyes. I hear the door open._

_"Baby? Paige?" She sounds like she's panicking._

_"In here." I say, breathing through my mouth at the same time._

_"What are you doing?" She rushes over to my side and helps me back to bed._

_"Dissues. Don't look ad me. I look terrible." I whine, curling up in her arms and covering my face. She feels so warm and comforting, like chicken noodle soup on a cold sick day._

_"You look beautiful, Paige." She kisses the top of my head and runs her hand through my hair._

_"You're jus daying dad 'cause I'm thick. I hade having a code." She hugs me tighter, laughing at my words._

_"Maybe you should write down what you want to say. Your cold is messing with your speech."_

_"You're mean. I hade you." I make a futile attempt to throw a pillow at her. I barely even got to lift it up before it slipped from my fingers. "I hade weak Paige." I grumble. My head hurts and so does my whole body._

_"Hey, no bullying weak Paige. Unlike strong Paige, she actually lets me to take care of her." She wraps her leg around my waist, almost pinning me down on the bed. She pulls me closer, as close as our bodies will allow._

_"Bud all weak Paige can do is sday in bed." I whine for the second time before blowing my nose on a tissue. I turn my head to the side, placing it on top of hers. I feel sleepy._

_"That's a good thing. We can catch up on our cuddling." She nuzzles my neck. I can imagine the smell of peaches wafting through the air. Damn cold, I can't even smell her._

_"Hmm.. I was kidding. I don hade you. I love you." I mumble._

_"I love you too." She murmurs. I feel her kiss me on the cheek before I fall asleep._

_"Wake up. Wake up. Hey, wake up." She is shaking me vigorously. What is up? I just fell asleep. And why isn't she as gentle as she used to be? Her voice sounds a little gruff. Does she have a sore throat?_

* * *

I open my eyes. I see the taxi driver with one hand on my shoulder, trying to wake me up.

"Sorry, maam. I tried to wake you up for a good 10 minutes before I started shaking you. We're here." His voice sounds tired. I look at my watch. It's 12:30am.

"Oh, sorry. Here. You can keep the change. Thanks." I hand him my payment and step out of the cab before he can say anything else. I was having such a nice dream that I can't help but feel infuriated at the driver for waking me up. I hurriedly go to my apartment, eager to go back to sleep. Once in my bedroom, I send a quick text to Sadie telling her I'm home. I take a very quick shower and get under the covers in my underwear, too tired to even put on my pyjamas and too impatient to see her again in my sleep.


	13. Chapter 13 - The Muse is Back

**Thank you once again for your reviews and PMs. Keep them coming. :)**

**I hope the need for this chapter makes as much sense to you as it does to me. I can't express how happy I am that people are reading this and are actually enjoying it. I'm writing lengthier chapters now and I hope you keep reading even if it takes more of your time.**

**Shoutout to saffyfan! Thank you so much for providing much needed advice regarding the existence of this chapter. :) talk to you soon.**

* * *

**Sadie's POV**

**Dear Muse (or private blog, I really don't know what to call you anymore),**

** There's something about today that makes me feel like I need to start talking to you again. Let's see, my last entry was.. Oh yeah. My overly-giddy entry about proposing to my then girlfriend, now ex-girlfriend – sorry you don't know much about my life for the past 2 years. I went through a phase, thinking everything was stupid when she rejected me and well, you were in that criteria ever since. I guess I just didn't see any point in documenting my life when it didn't feel like much of a life anymore. But I woke up today wanting to rekindle our old flame. So please forgive me for neglecting you. I won't anymore, I promise. I even downloaded this mobile app counterpart of yours on my phone to show my dedication. Can I still call you Muse? In case you've forgotten, it's Muse for "musings". Somehow along the way, it's become my pet name for you. It still fits, don't you think? Okay, I'm just gonna delve into things now because talking to you like this is starting to get a little awkward. Anyway..**

** Yesterday's date with Emily couldn't have gone any better. Sometimes I feel passing guilt for doing with Emily the same things I did with Lia. You know, to win her over. We both know that can never really happen, not on either side. So if we ever get far enough into the relationship spectrum, that's kind of a big bridge to cross. Twisted, right? I know.**

** Maybe that's why our whole dynamic works. Something happened to me 2 years ago that left me changed and something happened to her, 4 years ago instead of 2, that also left her with the same change. I guess it differs from person to person, the kind or nature or severity of the incident that can trigger this kind of alteration – the kind you don't know how to recover from, the kind that comes from baring your heart and soul with such certainty that you'd bet your life on it. That's the funny thing, really. You always hear stories of how people bounce back from such tragedies but you never hear of the ones who don't. Us here, Emily and I? We're perfect examples of the ones who don't.**

**I'm not really an expert on life and love. Far from it. If I were, I wouldn't be living life like some deranged lunatic, just hitting and missing, hitting and missing. I'll give you one thing though. Love is the most difficult thing in the world. It can turn you into such a monster yet it can also turn you into an angel. Either way, there comes a point when you realize that you've changed and it's only for you to decide whether it's for the better or not. Love can make you feel alive and consume you at the same time. It can make you feel invincible yet stupid, incredibly happy yet scared, insane yet totally in control. Sounds like a wonderful ride and believe me, it is. When someone's on board with you, that is. All the things I said about love, I realized that early on. So when I found it on the first go, I couldn't contain my happiness because being with Paige Lia McCullers made me feel like I won the lottery in both life and love.**

**I said a while ago that there's a kind of change that comes from baring your heart and soul with such certainty that you'd bet your life on it. Hey, look at that, I'm practically quoting myself. Nice, Sadie. This is what happens inside my mind when I'm getting closer to my truth – I try to veer away from it. Anyway, to get back to the point, I did bet my life on it. You see, most people only know good change or bad change. Not many know about the kind I'm talking about but Emily and I do. Those who know about it are usually just thrust into it by circumstance. When you've gone through it, you get to look at a person and know immediately that they've gone through it too. It's like some secret society, except no one really wants to be a part of it.**

**It's the kind of change that stops your life because it leaves you crippled and paralyzed. You are zombified. That's my term for it, zombified, because I refused to listen to my English teacher talk on and on about the importance of having an outstanding vocabulary. This is the kind of change that comes with having too much to lose and then the next minute, having lost it all.**

"Hey Dee. Thanks again for yesterday. I'll drop by the café later after my run." My phone notifies me of Em's message. I guess I can finish my writing later. I become aware of the time. I should probably head back to the counter. I've been in the back room for almost 30 minutes now, too long just to get coffee beans. I fix my dress, smoothing out the pleats. I twirl once for effect. I love how this yellow dress feels. I prefer jeans but sometimes, I wear a dress to remind myself that I'm a woman. Besides, I get more compliments when I'm in a dress which is probably why the number of dresses in my closet has nearly doubled since Lia left. It just feels wonderful to be appreciated.

I see Riley and call him over to point out which coffee beans to get. I walk over to the cashier. Riley usually mans the cashier while I move around the customers, waitressing, as I talk to them. Regardless of what most business owners think, I choose to waitress instead of manning the cashier. I trust Riley and he hasn't done anything so far to break that trust. Waitressing gives me a good idea which menu items customers love the most and it's also how I get to know the customers, especially the regulars. Whatever information I get throughout the day, I tell Seth, Café Diem's chef. He might not be a gourmet chef but his cooking style suits the café. Fresh and succulent, all the time.

As I walk past the coffee machines, I catch a glimpse of something too familiar for comfort and my pulse quickens. I must be hallucinating. I blink. When I open my eyes, she's there. She's standing there, second in line. Lia McCullers, the girl I got down on one knee for. What in the world is she doing here? Her decision to come here seems to falter for a moment and I hope she decides to leave before she sees me staring. Instead, she looks up and we catch each other's eye. Those beautiful brown eyes. My heart is running a marathon now and I hear my breath hitch in my throat. I feel like I'm going through a time warp. I see myself down on one knee, holding out the perfect ring, asking the perfect girl to marry me, as she stands in front me with tears in her eyes. I honestly thought those were tears of joy and she was going to say yes. How foolish of me. I clear my throat, determined not to let her presence upset me. I plaster a smile on my face and cater to the customer in front of her, secretly dreading our impending interaction.

"Hi." I say without any emotion as the girl in front of her leaves and she takes a step forward.

"Hi." She replies cooly. "I'll have a cappuccino with a dash of mint and cinnamon, please." She smiles. She must be crazy. She comes here, acting like she's just another customer, as if she can ever be just that.

"You did not just come here after 2 years, only to order coffee, Lia!" I raise my voice a little and cross my arms, waiting for her to cancel her order and leave. She just stands there, showing me she has no intention of leaving me alone. I can't just throw her out, can I? I shout her order to Riley, shooting her an annoyed look.

"How much will that be?" She puts her hands in her pocket, ready to pay for her order.

"Really? You're seriously getting your coffee here?" I glare at her, seething with anger and wanting her to feel it. Again, she just stands there, looking at me with her doe eyes, like she's innocent. Either she's totally clueless which I doubt because Lia rarely is when it comes to emotions or she purposely came here for I don't know what reason. "Fine. That'll be $1.50." I say through gritted teeth. She pays for her order then puts all of her change in the tip jar. Does she think giving me a tip will make everything go away? The nerve of her!

"Paige! You're back!" I hear Riley say with excitement. "I knew it was you! You're the only one who orders cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. Are you here to get Sadie back? You should, you should! It's been too long since, you know, she's had any action. In the bedroom, if you know what I mean." I'm going to kill Riley! He must be forgetting that I'm the one who pays him. His loyalties should lie with me and not with that heartbreaker!

"RILEY! You better get your ass behind this counter if you want to keep your job!" I yell at him from behind the cashier. At this point, I am fuming and don't care if other people think I'm being a bitch. I walk over to her table and say my piece.

"And YOU! I don't know what you're deal is but you sure as hell are NOT going to get it." I march off to the back room. When I get there, I lock the door and grab a spare pot and throw it clear across the room, swearing at the same time.

"FUUUCK!" I crash beside the nearest bag of coffee beans. I close my eyes, letting my tears fall. I actually believed that I'm better than I was 2 years ago. Who was I kidding? I wipe my tears and call the one person who I know can make me feel better, Emily Fields.

"What's up, Dee?" She says into the phone.

"Hi Fields. Nothing, nothing's up." I suddenly feel stupid for calling her. I'm making her a replacement for what I can't have.

"Are you okay? You sound like you're crying." She pauses, waiting for me to say something. "Dee? What happened? Do you need me to go there sooner?" She offers, tenderness coating her voice.

"No, no. It's okay. It's just.. She's here, Em, SHE'S here, sitting at a table in my café, drinking a cappuccino." I breathe out, explaining my silence and my unexpected call.

"I'm assuming this SHE is your ex. What is she doing there?! How dare she waltz into Café Diem like she didn't break your heart?! I'm coming over right now to give her a piece of my mind!" Anger replaces the tenderness I heard in her voice a few seconds ago.

"Woah woah! Hold your horses, Sergeant Fields. As much as I want to see your pretty face, you can come over later as planned. I already handled it. She caught me off guard, that's all." I calm her down by trying to sound okay. I hope she buys it.

"Are you sure?" She inquires.

"Yes. I just thought I'd be better, you know? About all this. I'm not. She broke my heart so badly that until now, I'm still heart broken. And the first time I see her after 2 years, all I could think of is how beautiful she is. With her sweaty light brown hair tied in a ponytail, her flawless skin, her sweet smile that make the sides of her eyes crinkle just a little bit. I feel like a masochist." I sigh into my phone.

"You're not a masochist, Sadie. You just haven't gotten over her yet. I know the feeling." She exhales. "Wait! Did you say sweaty?" The surprise in her voice makes me smile a little. I can imagine her doing a double take.

"She came here after her morning run, I guess. She's still in her workout clothes which not surprisingly, still looks good on her. Take your gun out and kill me now, Sergeant Fields." I cry out.

"Don't worry, Dee. I'll come right over, also sweaty and in my workout clothes. You can pretend we're together and make her jealous with your girlfriend's sweaty and sexy body." She's using her bedroom voice. I am so damn conflicted right now. I don't want to be the judge in a Fields VS McCullers match.

"Really tempting, Em. I have no doubt you can pull that off but pretending to have a girlfriend just to make her jealous is so high school, don't you think?" I laugh.

"Yeah, well, she turned your proposal down. I know you well enough to know you're not the problem. So most likely, she is. Maybe her maturity level isn't at par with her age?"

"Wow, look at you! You're a sergeant, Sergeant, not a detective! It's not like that, okay? I don't know why she said no. It can be me. It can be anything. Frankly, I don't want to know. I just want her to leave so I can go back to hating her and moving on." I feel better already. I look at the makeshift mirror I hung here when we were still fixing the place up. Astonishingly, my eyes aren't puffy. That's a good thing. I don't want her to know her presence still has such a profound effect on me.

"Maybe she left already. Hiding out in your back room isn't really such a great move either, Dee." She says in between giggles.

"I'm not hiding out! I'm not in the back room." I implore, pretending not to know what she's talking about, trying to convince her I'm fine.

"Sure. I suppose she can see and hear you talking about her on the phone then. I'm not a detective but it doesn't take one to know you're not in plain sight, Sadie. And where else can you hide in your café? You're not Thumbelina. You're not small enough to hide behind the plants." She teases. I can't help but feel so lucky for having Emily as a friend. The girl knows how to cheer me up. She knows how to cheer anyone up, actually. She radiates charm. It's not hard to see why many people like her and why many more fall in-love with her. Her mere presence is enough to make people feel better.

"Okay, fine. I'm in the back room. Which I have to leave now because I've been in here way too long. People might think I'm drowning in coffee beans. Bye, Fields. Thanks. I knew hearing your voice could brighten up my otherwise hell of a day." I smile. One of the best things about being single is getting to flirt with Emily Fields and just thinking of that makes me feel a whole lot better.

"Flirting already, I see. Hang in there, Dee. See you later." She ends the call. I get up from the floor and fix myself again. I twirl. It's a weird thing I have. I have to twirl after I finish fixing my dress because if I can twirl properly, then everything's fine. If not, something might be wrong with the dress. I twirl one last time and walk out of the back room, chin up and smiling.

I go around the café, refilling coffee cups, chatting with the customers, acting like Lia's invisible. I observe her from the corner of my eye, fighting the urge to flirt with her and attempt to get her back. It's like I learned nothing. I spy her empty cup. I should go over and give her a refill. I hover around the cake display for a little bit, remembering my heartache and changing my mind. But it's one of Café Diem's unique characteristics – the only way customers stop getting refills of whatever they order is when they refuse. Some people warned me that I'd go broke because of it but I haven't had any financial problems so far. Many coffee shops in New York have stopped offering refills and I believe it's one of the reasons customers keep coming back to the cafe. In my experience, whatever coffee they originally ordered is too rich for them to keep wanting unlimited refills of the same stuff. At most, they get 1-2 refills before they request a shift to either water or drip coffee. My rapport with the regulars helps in keeping them honest too. They don't abuse the free stuff. I'm proud to say that I've built some sort of family in Café Diem, me and my regulars. And Lia here, is not about to be a part of it.

"Won't you just leave already?" I reluctantly approach her and pour her some more cappuccino, feeling angry once again. She knows my rage is temporary because when have I ever been able to resist her? She watches me give her a refill before looking at her watch. I hope she has to leave soon. My emotions are going berserk and I'm having a harder time controlling them as each minute passes. She drinks her coffee in one gulp. Her ponytail swishes over her shoulder as she puts the cup down, sending the sweet scent of vanilla mixed with sweat into my nostrils. It suffocates me as I am transported to those nights in my bedroom, both of us spent but still unable to sleep because we were just too damn in-love.

"You make great coffee. Thank you." Her voice snaps me back into the present. I barely have time to register what she just said before she smiles, gets up and walks away. Is she really leaving just like that without so much as saying a word about what happened between us? I take a few hurried steps toward her before I realize that she's doing it on purpose. It may have been 2 years but if she hasn't changed at all, then I still know her like the back of my hand and that means I'm right. She wants to see how I would react to her presence in my café and I believe I failed. She knows how I still feel about her. It's my fault she does. I gave myself away. I sit in her chair, devastated, thinking of how I can recover from my emotion-packed hurricane of a morning.

I don't know how long I was sitting there, legs crossed, holding a pot of coffee and staring at the floor when a pair of white low top converse appears in my view and I straighten myself to find Emily Fields peering at me with a concerned look on her face.

"I'm guessing she already left and things didn't go well?" She reaches her hand out and squeezes my shoulder lightly.

"She sat on this very chair, drinking her cappuccino with mint and cinnamon, told me I made great coffee when I gave her a refill, thanked me and walked away. She is torturing me. She is doing this on purpose. She wants me to get angry and I gave her what she wanted! I am so stupid, Emily." I babble.

"Dee.." She takes both my hands and pulls me up for a hug. "I can stay here for the rest of the day if you want. Keep you company. Make you coffee and help you serve customers? I make a mean cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. I used to make it for my ex all the time back in high school when I worked at The Brew."

"Serving THAT means she's back, Em. And I don't want her to come back. I'd rather you not serve anything. How about just staying here and hugging me?" Being in Emily's arms makes everything go away. I feel safe in her arms. How perfect would it be if I can just get over Lia and she can get over her dead ex-girlfriend? Then we can be happy together.

"Your customers might throw their cups at me because I'm keeping them from their favourite barista. I'm sure you don't want to serve coffee in bowls instead." She kisses the top of my head before she pulls away.

"I'm sure they'll understand once everyone sees how gorgeous you are. Hey, I thought you're coming here post-workout. You do that in white chucks?" I kick her shoes gently.

"Maybe I do. I can work out in heels if I wanted to." She says smugly.

"Sergeant Fields working out in heels. I'd LOVE to see that." I raise my eyebrows at her, wide-eyed. She leers at me before we laugh at the same time.

"I bet you would." She sits in Lia's chair and I take the seat in front of her. We talk for a while, sharing a salad. Figures. Who else could turn my day around? I wish things were this easy and I didn't have the past to deal with.

"Thanks for lunch, Sadie. Are you sure you're okay here on your own?" She stands up, getting ready to leave.

"Yes. I've already wasted enough of your day. If worse comes to worst, I always have the back room to hide in. If she refuses to leave, there's bags of coffee beans and raw materials there I can chew on." I hug her as a thank you then walk her to the door.

"I'm just a phone call away, okay? You save me from my broken heart all the time. Let me do the saving for once." She jokes, squeezing my hand before leaving.

Compared to how I was this morning, I feel so much better. I didn't think it was possible to feel this happy after feeling so distressed just moments ago. Little did Emily know, she already did her saving for today. I walk around the café in my own bubble of happiness. I'm rearranging the cakes and pies in the display when I decide to give Emily a slice of my specialty, pumpkin pie. I'll just set aside a slice for her and bring it over later tonight. From my peripheral vision, I can see someone waving, trying to catch my attention. I turn my head and almost drop the slice in bewilderment upon seeing who it is. Paige Lia McCullers is back.

She's sitting at a table near the display case. I gingerly put Emily's pie in a box and decide to head over to her place right now instead of later. I am fuming again. She has no right to barge into my life after so long, expecting me to be okay with it. I make up my mind. I'm leaving Café Diem and going to Emily's but not before I give Lia a piece of my mind.

I keep a straight face as I take a seat at her table. I put the box down for a while, trying to keep my composure and my resolve. She is not getting what she wants. No matter how hot she looks in her denim vest and boots. She rests her elbows on the table and leans forward, seemingly eager to listen. I can vividly remember the times we've spent with her toned arms wrapped around me from behind, just talking and snickering to each other in hushed tones. I am aware at this moment that I would still do anything just to have her arms around me again. Maybe she knows what's on my mind because she just smiles at me, waiting for me to say something. My anger breaks through my flashbacks. I am still as transparent to her as glass and I hate it.

"I don't have time for this, Lia. What do you want?" I breathe out, channelling out all the rage she made me feel since the day started.

"Pie for me? Or taking it out for someone else?" She asks with feigned curiosity though I know she's just trying to push my buttons even more.

"It's for someone else." I say, glaring at her, daring her to anger me more than she already has. In a flash, as if she can read my mind, she grabs the box and uses the fork inside to take a bite out of Emily's pie. I don't know what her deal is but she just crossed the line.

"HEY! What the hell is wrong with you?!" I slam my palm down on the table, causing quite a stir. She doesn't even flinch. Not even a blink. Instead, she returns my stare, taunting me. We stare at each other for a while, neither one willing to back down.

"I just want to eat this pie. And talk." She exclaims, taking another bite of the pie. She closes her eyes and throws her head back, moaning as she gives her taste buds a treat. "Your pumpkin pie tastes soooo good!"

Damn it! She still knows my weakness. Correction, weaknesses. I find compliments about my pies coupled with sounds of pleasure extremely hard to resist. And her moan, HER sounds of pleasure in particular, are not just extremely hard to resist. They are irresistible. I absolutely hate her for this but at the same time, I have to admit how much I still love her. My tenacity at repelling her is gone.

"I know what you're doing. Stop it!" I blush, suddenly remembering what other things can elicit that wonderful sound from her.

"Okay, okay. It's true though. Taste it." She hands me the fork. I try to hide the fact that she's already won me over, again, by grabbing the utensil and shoving a piece of pie in my mouth. Man, I'm a genius when it comes to pumpkin pie!

"There, happy? Now what do you really want?" I tell her, pleading with my eyes for her to just leave. If she doesn't, I might not be able to help myself from kneeling on both knees this time, and begging her to take me back.

"I really do just want to talk, Sades. I want to be friends, if that's okay with you. Look, we're sharing some pie already." She smiles, unaware that she just broke my heart again.

"Friends? You walked out on me, Lia. I asked you one question, ONE question." I don't know what else to say because it's the truth. I did. 2 years ago, I asked her one question that meant the world to me.

"That one questions covers a hundred more questions left unsaid, Sadie. Will you marry me isn't just one question. It's everything. Will you love me for the rest of your life? Will you promise to hold me through my darkest nights? Will you grow old with me? Will you accept all my flaws? The list goes on and on. I didn't say no because I didn't love you. I said no because I wasn't prepared. I would have said no regardless of who asked. It just so happened that you did." She tries to explain but that's just it. It was everything to me and to her, my heart just didn't weigh that much. How can this still hurt so damn much after 2 effing years? She didn't say no because she didn't love me. So does she still?

"And are you ready now? Is that why you're here?" I know the answer before I even ask the question. It's a long shot and maybe this is counted as begging, I don't really know. I just need to try one more time because I never got the chance to do so.

"Sadie, I'm not going to lie to you. I've been single since we broke up and there have been countless times when I wanted to get you back. But I don't regret saying no. I'm not here to tell you that I'm ready now just to win you over. Can you imagine how unhappy you'd be if I actually said yes?" She looks at her hands, away from me. Why? Because she can't bear to see me get hurt? Well, it's too late now, Lia.

"Can you imagine how happy you would have made me if you actually said yes.." I'm grasping at straws. I feel hot tears falling down my cheeks and I clasp my hands together, hoping she's not as skilled as she used to be at identifying the quiver in them, a sign that I need her to hold me.

"For a while, maybe. But then I'd be unhappy and eventually, my unhappiness will eat our relationship and our marriage to the core. If we had children by the time that happens, we'd be damaging their lives in the process." When she says this, when she brings children into the picture, I know there's no changing her mind. Damn her love for children. There's no turning back now. Maybe she came here knowing I'd want her back. Maybe she made this decision before she decided to talk to me. Maybe she made this decision 2 years ago, the moment she left.

"I can't believe we're talking about our imaginary children from a marriage that didn't even happen." I laugh and wipe my tears with the back of my hand, trying to lighten the mood. I feel so weary all of a sudden, of every minute I cried my eyes out the past 2 years because of her and of every time I relived my heartache. I feel so weary but at the same time, I feel some sort of release.

"I'm not here to lead you on, Sades. Like I said, I want us to be friends. We have a lot of unfinished business, mostly because I left without so much as an explanation and I'm really sorry for that. I had myself convinced that no explanation was needed. You know me." She says softly, gently, like she's scared of shatter into a million pieces. Every single word she says feels like a knife, stabbing me. I struggle to breathe through the agony. I don't want to hurt anymore. I have had enough. I want her to go away but somehow, I know that for everything to stop hurting, I need to hear the very same words she's saying, the same words causing me pain. She waits patiently for me to respond and I take my time. I inhale and exhale, trying to ease myself back into my present life and my future, knowing without any trace of doubt that she clearly won't be in it. Not in the way I want her to be anyway.

"Yeah, I do know you. You're a stubborn pain in the ass." I smirk, holding my hands out in front of me, asking her for an embrace. She immediately stands up and hugs me tight. With that, I let everything go. Most importantly, I let my failed proposal go. One day, I will find someone who will say yes to me in a heartbeat and my mind drifts off to Emily Fields. I can't wait to tell her about this life changing moment. I know I haven't moved on for good but I finally have my closure, even though I had no idea how badly I need it. I'm getting there, I can feel it in my bones. I'm definitely one step closer to being genuinely okay.

She waits for me to close the café and we head over to my house for a very delayed catching up session. By the time we finish my bottle of Kahlua, we've both lost track of how many cups of coffee and cocktails we've drunk. We talk about everything and anything but mostly, we update each other on one another's lives. She's an up and coming interior designer which isn't really surprising. I would be more surprised if she wasn't. I tell her about Emily Fields and for the first time in so long, I think of Lia and feel no negativity towards her and our past.

"I still cry over you, you know, on bad days. But I have more good ones than bad ones now and I'm pretty sure I'm getting to a place where I'll only ever have good ones. I didn't know it but I needed the closure. Thanks for being brave enough to come here." I confess before drinking a shot. "I really thought you were the one I'd spend the rest of my life with." I pour her a cocktail.

"I'm jealous of you, Sades. I haven't felt that with anyone. I'm jealous of you because you know what that feels like. To be so sure that she's the one you're meant to be with. I'm just sorry it was with the wrong person." She takes a sip from her glass. I never thought of it that way. That Paige Lia McCullers, this powerhouse of a woman, could be jealous of me. It rapidly dawns on me that had I felt what Lia probably felt 2 years ago, which is love without that certainty, I wouldn't have said yes to my proposal either.

"I don't regret any of it, Lia.. I'm just really thankful I have someone who kept me sane during those bad days." I feel hopefulness coming on, something I haven't really felt in years. I have no doubt she knows its Emily I'm talking about.

"So do I get to meet this girl with the dead ex-girlfriend or what? What's her name?" I hear a hint of protectiveness in her voice. I guess she hasn't lost that after all. Typical McCullers. Always out to shield the people she cares about from harm.

"Her name's Emily. I think you'll get along very well." I feel great enthusiasm at the thought that they could get to know one another now. Emily has become one of my best friends since she moved to New York and Lia, she obviously played a big part in my life and seems intent to keep playing a big part in it, although in a different way. I can just imagine how well they would jive together.

"Emily.. Emily, huh?" I can see her mouthing out the name, like she's trying to get the feel of it on her tongue. There's some sort of recognition that passes through her eyes although it quickly disappears. Does she know Emily already? There is no way. I didn't mention Emily's whole name but if she knows her, she would have said something earlier on. Not every Emily in the world has trouble getting over a dead ex-girlfriend. I push it out of my mind for now. It might just be the alcohol.

"You should meet her, McCullers. You guys have a lot in common. She loves to swim and she loves the Aquarium too. She has an affinity for sharks." I want her to want to get to know Emily. We'll have so much fun, the 3 of us. Maybe Lia can even help me out with her, she is after all, better at getting people's hearts.

"Sharks? And she's still hung up over her ex-girlfriend who's been dead for 4 years? She sounds intense." She's starting to get weirded out. I know because she scratches the back of her right ear. She always does that when she feels uncomfortable. Emily is intense, in a good way. She's so passionate about everything she does. I don't know how to put that in words. I decide to quit while I'm ahead. I don't want Lia to think Emily is someone bizarre.

"You'll meet her soon enough. Just remember, she's mine!" We clean the table our old way, me with the wiping and her with the washing. I get the feeling that she's got her eye on someone else. I don't know who but the way things are going between us, I'm sure I'll find out soon.

"Don't worry, Sades. She's all yours." She hugs me goodbye.

**My mind is reeling from the speed of today's events, Muse. One minute I was angry, the next I'm more heartbroken than I was before, and now, now I can breathe so much easier. I was talking about change a while ago, wasn't I? I still think it's irreversible. But now, I believe that maybe it's not unfixable. Maybe all it takes is the right person. I'm not entirely okay, I know. I just really feel that this time, when I attempt to move on, it's different. I have someone in mind, you know her already. I wrote about her this morning. Emily Catherine Fields. I don't know if she's the right person, Muse. I'm not ready to go after her yet and she isn't ready either. But one day I will. I'm more careful now. I don't want to go all in all at once but I do hope she's the right one because if she isn't, then I just might be setting myself up for another major heartbreak. If that happens a second time, I don't think I'll have it in me to find someone who can fix my heart again.**

I finish the entry I started writing this morning before going to sleep. For the first time in years, I go to sleep not worrying about how I'll feel tomorrow because I know I'll feel great. I'm not worried I'd have to pretend to be okay because I will feel okay. I can feel it in every ounce of my being. Bit by bit, I'm regaining my old self - the one Lia fell in-love with, not the one she left. I just hope that when I'm that person again, without any bitterness and resentment, that version of me would be enough for Emily Fields to fall in-love with.


	14. Chapter 14 - Drowning in Paige

**I'm so sorry this update took so long. I'm trying to write faster but I just can't churn out anything decent while preoccupied with work. Things are really getting hectic at the hospital right now.**

**This one's shorter but I think adding more to it would just drag it out. :) Tell me what you think of this new chapter! :)**

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**Emily's POV**

I open my eyes and stare up at my ceiling. My eyes are still heavy but I can't go back to sleep. My mind is restless. It always is when I wake up with Paige on my mind. That usually means I slept thinking of her, yet again. I can feel something fluffy against my arm and I turn my head to the side to see what it is. It's the stuffed shark I bought yesterday. I quickly send Sadie a text message, thanking her and telling her I'll be dropping by later. I bring the shark closer to me and bury my face in its soft belly. I can hear Paige saying, _I'm 100% Shark!,_ over and over in my head. It's her favourite thing to say when she feels threatened by a rival which is, I must say, not very often. I close my eyes and try to drift back to sleep before my emotions get ahead of me.

* * *

_"Okay, girls. We're having a little race to settle who anchors for the upcoming meet." Coach Fulton announces to the swim team. Paige and I are at opposite sides of the pool. Everyone knows we both want to anchor. What they don't know is I'd give it all up for Paige if she asks me to, not that she can't win this race. I'm faster than she is but she's stronger with more powerful limbs and more stamina. I'd give it all up for Paige because I know there's no chance she would ask me to do such a thing. She's a proud person and she believes in working for her achievements. I guess something about that makes me want to give her everything she could ever want. We give each other a knowing smile._

_"Fields! McCullers! On the platforms! You know the drill." We both jump a little at Coach Fulton's command. The rest of the team wait by the poolside, placing imaginary bets on each of us._

_As we step up on the platforms and bend down into the diving position, we both look at each other one last time. With goggles on, I can barely see her eyes and whatever's behind them. "This one's mine, Fields!" She shouts before looking straight ahead. I roll my eyes with a smirk. It's nice to know some things haven't changed, in spite our feelings for each other. Competitive Paige is so hot._

_We both hear the horn and dive into the pool at exactly the same time. We swim together a lot, enough to be in perfect sync with each other. I can hear her legs kicking through the water and her arms gracefully breaking through the surface. We reach the other end of the pool and do a flip turn, still in flawless timing. Halfway back to the other side, I sense her lagging behind. I slow down a bit, worried she hurt herself. I catch glimpses of her in between my strokes, checking to see if something's wrong. She doesn't seem to be in pain but her movements have become mechanical, almost like she's thinking too much about swimming. By the time I realize what she's doing, the wall is within my reach. I win. She finishes her lap as I get out of the pool. Everyone claps and huddles towards me, giving their congratulations._

_"For a while there, I thought you guys were doing synchronized swimming. That wasn't your best, McCullers. Congratulations, Fields!" Coach gives me a pat on the back. Before anyone else could react, Paige pushes through the team, pulls me close and kisses me on the lips with such passion, I'd definitely fall if she wasn't holding me._

_"I told you THIS one's mine." She smiles into my lips, hugging me tighter as she said the word 'this'._

_"Are you making up for letting me win?" I raise my eyebrow, trying to hide my blush. Instead of answering my question, she kisses me again. Our teammates are cheering, no doubt shocked and happy for us at the same time. Some of them are staring at us wide eyed but with a hint of a smile on their lips._

_"How about that? Our 2 best swimmers finally decided to settle their differences and start playing for the same team." Coach Fulton chuckles. "Not to suck out the romance, ladies, but please do that in your own time." She winks at us before herding us all towards the pool for our last set of laps._

* * *

I sigh into the shark's fur as my mind plays back the first time Paige kissed me in public, basically announcing to everyone that we were a couple, in front of people we actually knew and cared about. It was such a bold move, even for her who had just come out at that time that until now, just thinking about it turns me on. Paige, you're torturing me again. I look at the time and choose to go on my work out a little bit early. It'll help take my mind off things, especially off this frustration I've been feeling. I must admit, I'm not a very sexual person. Sexual, that's Hanna. Or Sadie. Me? I'm just sweet. Paige used to say that with my figure and my sex appeal, it's kind of impossible not to be sexual. And I used to tell her she's biased. Like I said, I'm not very sexual. Paige just brings something out in me, something carnal and emotive at the same time. Something I haven't felt for anybody else so far.

I'm almost out the door when my phone rings.

"What's up, Dee?" I greet Sadie before heading out for my run.

"Hi Fields. Nothing, nothing's up." She sounds like she's crying. Something's wrong.

"Are you okay? You sound like you're crying." I pause. She doesn't say anything. "Dee? What happened? Do you need me to go there sooner?" Sadie only ever cries when she's in real pain and her pain threshold is really high. The only time I've seen her cry over something not involving physical pain was the on the first day we met. She was crying over her ex-girlfriend. I have the feeling this is about her as well.

"No, no. It's okay. It's just.. She's here, Em, SHE'S here, sitting at a table in my café, drinking a cappuccino." She says in a panic.

"I'm assuming this SHE is your ex. What is she doing there?! How dare she waltz into Café Diem like she didn't break your heart?! I'm coming over right now to give her a piece of my mind!" I reel back with surprise at the anger I'm currently feeling. Why do I feel like her ex-girlfriend, whoever she is, is stepping into my territory?

"Woah woah! Hold your horses, Sergeant Fields. As much as I want to see your pretty face, you can come over later as planned. I already handled it. She caught me off guard, that's all." She says, her voice soft.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yes. I just thought I'd be better, you know? About all this. I'm not. She broke my heart so badly that until now, I'm still heart broken. And the first time I see her after 2 years, all I could think of is how beautiful she is. With her sweaty light brown hair tied in a ponytail, her flawless skin, her sweet smile that make the sides of her eyes crinkle just a little bit. I feel like a masochist." She groans into the phone.

"You're not a masochist, Sadie. You just haven't gotten over her yet. I know the feeling." I convey as much empathy as I can into the phone line. I really do know how she feels. If Paige suddenly walks into my life after years of minding her own business, I'd freak out even more than Sadie is freaking out now. Of course, that also entails her coming back from the dead. "Wait! Did you say sweaty?" Why in the world would you be sweaty for your first meeting with your ex-girlfriend?

"She came here after her morning run, I guess. She's still in her workout clothes which not surprisingly, still looks good on her. Take your gun out and kill me now, Sergeant Fields." Sadie is obviously in anguish. No doubt, sex memories are flashing in her mind right now.

"Don't worry, Dee. I'll come right over, also sweaty and in my workout clothes. You can pretend we're together and make her jealous with your girlfriend's sweaty and sexy body." I say seductively into my phone.

"Really tempting, Em. I have no doubt you can pull that off but pretending to have a girlfriend just to make her jealous is so high school, don't you think?" She teases.

"Yeah, well, she turned your proposal down. I know you well enough to know you're not the problem. So most likely, she is. Maybe her maturity level isn't at par with her age?" I hope Sadie doesn't realize that I honestly feel her ex is competition.

"Wow, look at you! You're a sergeant, Sergeant, not a detective! It's not like that, okay? I don't know why she said no. It can be me. It can be anything. Frankly, I don't want to know. I just want her to leave so I can go back to hating her and moving on." She exclaims, sounding like she's feeling better.

"Maybe she left already. Hiding out in your back room isn't really such a great move either, Dee." I giggle.

"I'm not hiding out! I'm not in the back room." She says defensively.

"Sure. I suppose she can see and hear you talking about her on the phone then. I'm not a detective but it doesn't take one to know you're not in plain sight, Sadie. And where else can you hide in your café? You're not Thumbelina. You're not small enough to hide behind the plants." I snicker into the phone, trying to keep my laughter down.

"Okay, fine. I'm in the back room. Which I have to leave now because I've been in here way too long. People might think I'm drowning in coffee beans. Bye, Fields. Thanks. I knew hearing your voice could brighten up my otherwise hell of a day." Sadie's flirting lets me know that she's at least back to her normal self for the time being.

"Flirting already, I see. Hang in there, Dee. See you later." I end the call and start my run.

As I pound my feet into the pavement, my mind is free of everything save the music coming from my iPod. Near the end of my run, Pink's "It's All Your Fault" blasts into my ears. I stop for a while, confused. I purposely left out any Pink song from my workout playlist because it reminds me too much of Paige. Ever since that first date, Pink has been a constant in our relationship.

_It's all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out and now I can't turn back. I hold my breath 'cause you were perfect. But I'm running out of air and it's not fair. _She did call me beautiful and she was perfect. Yes, I'm running out of air, literally and figuratively. And yes, it's unfair. I pull my ear buds out of my ears and turn my iPod off. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I bend over with my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. I close my eyes for a moment, smelling vanilla in the air. How apt. The song reminds me of Paige and now something smells like her too. Someone bumps into me before I realize that I'm just standing there in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Sorry!" She mutters hurriedly. The vanilla scent has gotten stronger but it's her voice that causes my eyes to instantly pop open. Even after 4 years, I would know that voice anywhere. She sounds just like Paige. I look around frantically to catch a glimpse of the girl but the New York crowd has already swallowed her whole. I take a few running steps but I find myself unable to continue my run.

For a second there, I let myself forget that she's gone. I let myself hope that maybe, some weird circumstance had us all fooled and she's not dead after all. The realization that I was wrong to feel a small glimmer of hope, though it lasted only an instant, almost sends me buckling to my knees. I see a telephone booth and lean against it, tears pooling in my eyes. How can I be so irrational? I know she's gone. I've lived without her for 4 years and still, I refuse to stop believing that one day, she'll just come back into my life. Why is that? I've had more than my fair share of dead ex-girlfriends. I'm practically a veteran. Technically, Alison wasn't an ex-girlfriend but I did love her. I lost Maya too. Then 4 years ago, Paige. This isn't something new. So why is it so damn hard to let go? Why, Paige?

I wipe my tears and slowly start walking towards Café Diem. Maybe seeing Sadie can help lift up my mood. Remembering Sadie and her current problem with her ex, I begin to wonder. If Paige was alive, would we be married to each other by now? She would most probably do the proposing. Somewhere near the water like the beach just because she knows how much I love it there. Before she'd ask the question, she'd go on and on about a life together that she'd already planned out because that's how she is. She always had a picture of our future in her head, all the way up to when we're old and wrinkly and grey. I love that about her. She gave me direction and something to work towards, especially back in high school when I just woke up with the sole purpose of surviving the day without any trouble from A.

I reach Café Diem after 10 minutes instead of 5, thanks to my rather slow pace. Sadie is sitting on one of her tables, holding a coffee pot in her hand and staring at the floor. I guess I'm too late. I shake off the melancholy that's gotten over me and smile. Sadie doesn't need to hear about my problems right now. I walk up to her.

"I'm guessing she already left and things didn't go well?" I squeeze her shoulder gently, offering my sympathy.

"She sat on this very chair, drinking her cappuccino with mint and cinnamon, told me I made great coffee when I gave her a refill, thanked me and walked away. She is torturing me. She is doing this on purpose. She wants me to get angry and I gave her what she wanted! I am so stupid, Emily." Sadie lost me when she mentioned cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. Paige is the only person I know who orders that. Is that a new craze right now? I used to think it's such a weird combination. I am consumed in thoughts of her that I only get parts of Sadie's rambling.

"Dee.." I pull her up for a hug, buying me some time to digest everything she just said. "I can stay here for the rest of the day if you want. Keep you company. Make you coffee and help you serve customers? I make a mean cappuccino with mint and cinnamon. I used to make it for my ex all the time back in high school when I worked at The Brew." I offer. Sadie's ex piques my curiosity that I suddenly want to meet her. From the stories I've heard about her so far, she could be Paige's twin, except what they are identically alike in personality instead of physical appearance.

"Serving THAT means she's back, Em. And I don't want her to come back. I'd rather you not serve anything. How about just staying here and hugging me?" She gives me a cute pout. I kind of forgot that my arms are still around Sadie. I'm so lost right now and it's all McCullers's fault. I can't concentrate on Sadie and have Paige on my mind at the same time. I know I will eventually have to choose between the 2 at some point. If I actually want my life to go somewhere, I know who I should choose.

"Your customers might throw their cups at me because I'm keeping them from their favourite barista. I'm sure you don't want to serve coffee in bowls instead." I kiss the top of Sadie's head before pulling away.

"I'm sure they'll understand once everyone sees how gorgeous you are. Hey, I thought you're coming here post-workout. You do that in white chucks?" She kicks my shoes. I completely forgot to change out of my sneakers and into my rubber shoes. I should keep better track of my workout attire if I want to avoid torn tendons and broken bones.

"Maybe I do. I can work out in heels if I wanted to." I say smugly. Nice recovery, Em. I tried dancing in heels once, a birthday gift for Paige. She went ballistic.

"Sergeant Fields working out in heels. I'd LOVE to see that." Sadie looks at me with eyes wide open. I glare at her in a teasing manner, laughing at the same time.

"I bet you would." I take a seat at the table and order lunch. We share stories between bites of Café Diem's Shrimp Penne. We laugh at each other, joke around, and make plans to have dinner with my friends tomorrow. I almost tell her about my run-in with fake Paige a while ago. I stop myself, not wanting to ruin the conversation with another one of my emotional breakdowns. I'm amazed Sadie isn't sick and tired of hearing all about my huge 4 year hangover.

"Thanks for lunch, Sadie. Are you sure you're okay here on your own?" I stand up, not really wanting to leave but knowing I need to go home, grab the stuffed walrus and try to catch the post office before it closes.

"Yes. I've already wasted enough of your day. If worse comes to worst, I always have the back room to hide in. If she refuses to leave, there's bags of coffee beans and raw materials there I can chew on." She says with a quiver in her voice. I think she's actually worried her ex might come back.

"I'm just a phone call away, okay? You save me from my broken heart all the time. Let me do the saving for once." I assure her, squeezing her hand to show her I really mean it. In a way, Sadie's like Paige too, always ready to come to my rescue. I walk home, still thinking of Sadie, her ex, Paige, and fake Paige.

When I get home, I just grab the plastic bag in a hurry, unknowingly grabbing the wrong end. The stuffed walrus and a pink post-it fly out. I quickly grab the walrus, place it back in the bag, and jog to the post-office. I'll deal with the post-it later when I get back. While waiting in line, I text my friends to inform them of tomorrow's get together.

"Hey guys! Are you all up for dinner with Sadie tomorrow night? She's dying to see everyone again. Bring the boys too." I sound happy. That's good. I instantly receive replies from the girls.

"Sure! Toby's been pestering me about visiting you. It's sweet really, but honestly, the boy's getting on my nerves. I need my boyfriend back, Emily." I laugh at Spencer's text. I miss Toby. Out of all the guys, he's the one I connect most with. It's probably because I was the first to trust him out of everyone. Not to mention the thing we had going on for a while.

"Oh my god, Em! I was just about to ask you about having dinner with Sadie! How much fun would that be? All the liars and their hot girl/boyfriends! Sadie can be your hottie! *wink wink* See you tomorrow!" Crap. I temporarily forgot how crazy Han can be. I make a mental note to rally the forces of Sparia to keep her in check tomorrow.

"Great! We're going to an open mic night in a poetry club near the area. Some of Ezra's students are reading their pieces so his attendance is a must. We'll meet you for dinner afterwards. We miss you." So Aria and Ezra. They feel like an old married couple, both reading books on their couch on a rainy day. Ezra is reading a classic while he drinks coffee and Aria is spread out on the couch, her head on Ezra's lap, as she reads something contemporary. That's my default picture of the 2 of them. Only they can pull off cute and boring at the same time.

When it's my turn, I go through the motions like a robot. I suddenly feel weary. This happens a lot during my slump. One minute, I'm all happy and perky then the next, I just want to do nothing but wallow. Right now, I want to go home and lie down on my bed with McShark. Yeah, I named him. McShark because he reminds me so much of McCullers. I'm pathetic, I know. How is it possible that my mind somehow manages to connect every thought to Paige? It's like my brain doesn't want me to forget. Or is it just because I've thought of her so many times that my brain is so practiced in using the same connections it used before, like it's developed a predilection to those neural pathways?

Before I know it, I'm back in my apartment, stepping on the pink post-it. I crumple it and throw it into the trash can, too lazy to actually take the few steps necessary to reach it. It misses, hits the rim, and bounces back towards me. I exhale, accepting defeat. I pick the post-it up and place it on the counter. What if this is really something important? Looking at it won't do any harm. I open it, taking great effort in not ripping any of the sticky corners. When I do get to open it, I gasp in shock. The post-it falls to the floor. I close my eyes for a moment and pick it up, trembling.

* * *

To the girl of my dreams,

Thank you for making me feel like this, so conflicted and peaceful at the same time. I haven't met you yet and here you are, already consuming me. I don't know how you'll feel about me when we finally meet each other. I don't know if you'll like me as much as you do in my sleep. But no matter what happens thereon after, I'm sure meeting you will change my life. I can't wait.

* * *

The handwriting is all too familiar. It can't be. I rush to my room, rummaging through her box, looking for anything with her handwriting on it. I compare the post-it to the first note she ever wrote me, the one she left in my locker informing me to go to a certain address. As it turns out, that address would end up being a staple in our relationship.

The long tail of the e's, the big curve of the letter p, the unevenness yet uniformity of the writing.. This is all her. I turn the post-it over, searching for a name, a scent, a cappuccino stain, anything really. Anything that can tie this letter to her. There is nothing. What did I expect? I place the post it and Paige's note back in the box. I don't know for sure who wrote that. Obviously, it was someone else who has the exact same writing. But I somehow feel that the post-it belongs in the box, with all the other things that remind me of her.

I try to hide my disappointment but I can't. I'm too frustrated with myself, with today, with all the fake Paiges I've been getting. I grab her box and throw it to the other side of my room. I hear the loud thud as it hits the wall, taking the replacement of what was supposed to be my bellow of agony. In all the years since she's been gone, I have never emptied this box of its contents. I have never looked at each and every item, afraid that I will drown in my pain if I so much as gaze at them all in one go. Now I see everything scattered on my floor, the box and its cover on opposite sides of the room. I let out a guttural sound as I realize what I've done. I desperately pick each item up, collecting them in my oversized shirt, and dumping them all onto my bed. I don't know what I'd do if anything ended up broken.

I lie down and place each item around me, surrounding myself with as much memories of her as I can. I finger a blue, yellow, and pink bracelet made out of pony beads. She made this for me out of boredom when she promised her 6 year old niece she'd take her to a bracelet-making class. _Blue for the pool, pink for you, yellow for me. That's us in a bracelet. Not so romantic, I know. It's really the best I can do with pony beads, Em. You don't have to wear it. I know it's ugly and.. _I kissed her before she could say anything else. I wear the bracelet on my wrist, glad to have her so close to me.

My left foot touches a bottle of perfume she gave me before she left for Stanford. It was a new bottle of the one she uses. _When you miss me, don't go looking for a substitute. Smell this instead. And no, you're not allowed to spray it on someone else. You'll miss me but always remember that I'll miss you more. You know, I love you, right? _I can still see her smirking at me, trying to hide the sadness in her eyes. You didn't fool me, baby. Besides, who misses who now? I spray some on McShark and hug him close.

I shift my body a bit and my right knee bumps into a pizza box cover. I smile through my tears. I got this just a few weeks before graduation. Paige and I were already established by then and my parents and friends have accepted her as someone who was in it for the long run.

* * *

_"Paige, sorry I can't make it tonight. I'm incredibly sore all over." I send her a text message._

_"What happened? Where's A? What did he/she/they do? Do I have to get my dad's gun out?" She replies quickly. She's so paranoid and I can't really blame her. Every bad thing that happens to me, Paige thinks it's A. In a way, she's right. Most of it IS because of A but not this time._

_"It's not A. Joan just found out that Matt was cheating on her with a girl from another school. I saw her crying in the library bathroom and she told me what happened. She was so mad. She was planning on planting a positive pregnancy test in his locker to scare him." I try to text as quickly as possible but even my fingers are sore from all the clenching I did during the boxing session._

_"And you just had to be your typical nice self. Oh god, Emy, what did you do?" I can sense the worry in her reply._

"_Nothing much. I just sort of suggested for her to try boxing instead. Before I knew it, I was in the boxing ring with her. I forgot how much anger can improve one's aim and how much it can pack a punch. Even my fingers hurt. I'm sorry I had to cancel. I'll make it up to you next time."_

_"Well, you can't just leave Joan with her crazy solutions, right? Besides, where will she get a fake baby? It's okay, Em. Maybe you should rest already?" I don't want to stop texting her but I do need to rest._

_"I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Night, baby." I text her one last time and go down stairs. I miss her already. I wish she could come over but I know she has other things to do._

_My mom ordered a pizza and I'm sitting in the living room waiting for it to arrive. When the doorbell rings, I cautiously open the door, careful not to move so quickly. A girl in a hoodie is standing there wearing a cap so low, I can't even see her face. I give her the payment and get the box. I say a quick thank you and close the door._

_"Baby, read the box!" She suddenly holds her hand out against the door, stopping it from closing. I look down at the cover, annoyed at this random stranger calling me baby, and see a note written on it. "Can I come in?", it says._

_"Not a chance. I have a girlfriend already and you're not it." I reply, in a mean girl kind of way. I attempt to close the door again but she refuses to move her hand._

_"Are you so sure about that? How about we bet your girlfriend's life on it?" She says smugly. I'm so out of it that I don't even recognize her handwriting or her voice. I am sick and tired of this person's games. What she just said hit a nerve. If she only knew how close Paige had come to getting herself killed. She must have noticed the change in my expression because she immediately removes her cap and her hoodie. It's her. "Baby, it's okay. It's me. It's okay. Breathe, relax, I'm here. You're safe. I'm safe." I exhale in relief, letting my tears fall. She pulls me close and hugs me._

_"I'm sorry. That was a really bad joke." She whispers in my ear, as she strokes the top of my head._

_"Yeah, it was." That was all I could say. She leaves my side for a moment to give my mom a quick hug before she whisks me off to my room._

* * *

While we were texting, she was also texting my mom, planning this whole thing. She sat on my bed, her back to the head board and I sat between her legs, my back to her chest. We ate pizza that way and it was the best pizza I've ever tasted. She gave me a massage that night before I slept in her arms. I haven't had that peaceful a night since.

My eyes feel like heavy boulders now. I move once more and I feel my pillow, soaked with my tears. I want to look at one last thing before the sandman pulls me into his territory. I reach at the top of my head where my fingers wrap around a framed cartoon picture of 2 old women, sitting on a patch of grass. One of them was painting over a sign that read "Keep off the grass", changing the sentence to "Keep on the grass", while the other one looked on in approval. This was waiting for me at my dorm room once I got back from one of our vacations. We both went home to Rosewood for Christmas and had a late 3rd anniversary celebration. She had mailed it before she left California, knowing I'd get it after I came back, a little post-celebratory surprise. This came with a letter which read:

* * *

You will always be the one I'd want to have my adventures with. Whether I'm in Stanford or in Rosewood, my home is wherever you are. I will always look forward to talking to you at the end of the day. I will always feel excited on my way home to Rosewood at the thought of being able to see you and hold you. After all this time, you still give me butterflies. 3 years in, I doubt these butterflies will ever go away. I can only hope you also feel the same way. Emily Catherine Fields, you are the love of my life, my soul mate, my everything. You are my one and only happiness. How about we make all our dreams come true after we graduate? Not just in conversations but for real this time? In front of my family, your family, our friends. In front of the whole world. What do you say?

* * *

I remember calling her right after I read her letter, tears in my eyes. Too speechless and in awe of this amazing woman, all I could say was yes. My mind goes back to the question I asked myself this morning: If Paige was alive, would we be married to each other by now? I know my answer now. We would be, definitely. Her proposal was simple. She didn't want me to feel pressured into giving an answer and she probably also thought I would want time to think. So she did it this way. I had no doubt then that a more concrete proposal would happen, one where we were actually both present. But I would have no qualms if this was it. To me, it was perfect.

I want to keep browsing through the remnants of our relationship but I can no longer keep my eyes open. _It's okay. Maybe you should rest already?_ Her words run involuntarily through my head. I decide to embrace sleep for now following her advice. The last thing I see are my own tears and the last thing I hear are my own sobs, knowing that this is the closest I can ever get to having her back in my life.


	15. Chapter 15 - On The Same Paige, Or Not

**I'm starting to get frustrated with myself because of the time it takes me to finish a chapter. Things are just piling up at work.**

**Thank you once again for all your reviews. I actually feel so accomplished when I get a review, or a follow, or a favorite. It feels awesome! So again, thank you.**

**Some of you might have negative reactions after reading this chapter and I want you to know that's okay. I'm expecting it, actually. :P I'm dying to hear what you guys think of this. I just feel like this has to happen eventually. It's all just a matter of when it happens, before or after Emily and Paige meet.**

* * *

**Emily's POV**

"Wake up, Emy." Someone shakes my shoulder gently. "Why do you surround yourself with things that hurt you?" Is that my mom?

I open my eyes a bit, squinting against the light. My mom's placing everything back in the box, one item at a time. What is she doing here? I pretend to be asleep still. I hear her sigh everytime she picks something up. Paige was like a daughter to her. I turn around to face her and I can see there are tears in her eyes.

"Seeing all of these reminds me of how happy you used to be, Emy." She lies down beside me and I place my head on her shoulder. "When you were little, I was so scared that your father might not come home one day. I still have the same fear but I have a bigger fear now. So does your father." She strokes my hair. I miss being a little girl, when all I had to worry about was whether my mom would like the artwork I made for her in school.

"What's that, mom?" I sniff.

"We just want you to be happy, Em. Remember when you came out? We were apprehensive at first but we learned to accept who you are because that's all a parent wants. For their child to be happy. Your father and I are really worried that you might be missing out on so much because of Paige. You have grown into an amazing woman, Emily. Paige saw that and I'm sure other people see it too. It's time you opened yourself up again to someone. It's time you built new dreams." She says as she dabs on her eyes with a tissue to keep her tears from falling. I know it must hurt her to see her daughter this broken. But that's really who I am now and I don't know if I can be fixed.

"Are you trying to get me to give Sadie a chance again?" I joke, an attempt to lighten the mood.

"I've said it so many times before. She's a nice girl. Your father thinks so too. If you want to be with Sadie, you have our approval. If you want to be with someone else, we're open to that too. You're our priority, Emy. It doesn't matter who you want to be with. As long as that person can make you happy and can take care of you, she will be welcome in our family." She says reassuringly.

"Paige is a pretty hard act to follow, mom. For me and for you and dad. Sometimes I felt like you actually loved her more than you did your own daughter." I whine. I let myself regress a bit. My mom's physical presence isn't a usual occurrence in my New York life. I let myself indulge in her comforting embrace.

"Oh Emy!" She kisses the top of my head, smiling into my hair. "We all know that. Paige is Paige. She worked hard to turn the tables in her favour and she never stopped after that. Her doggedness might go unparalleled when it comes to proving to us how much she loved you but that's not the real problem. This one is." She pats my chest, the area just over my heart.

"She died, mom. This is all I have of her now, memories. Our memories. Everything in that box. If I move on, I'm scared I might lose what little is left of her. I don't want to forget." I speak softly, my voice quivering.

"You don't have to forget her, Emy. You just have to let her ride the backseat in your life. When you lose someone you can't live without, you never really get over it. That's the bad news. The good news is despite your broken heart, you come through anyway. It's like having a broken leg. The stump may heal but the pain will never go away. Sometimes it's there when the weather's cold. Sometimes, on warm days, it's not. But you learn to dance with the limp anyway." She continues to stroke my hair the way she always did when I was a little girl. I won't admit it to her but I miss our nightly talks, ones that stopped when I got to middle school.

"You always know the right thing to say, mom." I sit up, ready to start my day.

"We may have our differences but I'm still your mother. And mothers are very good at soothing our daughter's pain because you're our world." She gets up from the bed and walks out of my room.

"Okay mom, you can stop with the cheese now. To what do I owe your surprise visit, anyway?" I inquire, not recalling her telling me about coming to New York.

"I got worried. What's the use of your answering machine if you don't even listen to your messages, Emy?" She points to my answering machine and crosses her arms. I guess I tend to ignore the red blinking light too much. I push the button, smiling at her sheepishly.

"You have 10 new messages." The robotic female voice announces.

"Sorry." I mutter. I listen to all my mother's messages, feeling guilty for the growing concern I can clearly hear in her voice. When I hear the last message, I suddenly feel a sense of longing. The small voice of a little girl fills the room.

"Hi Emily. This is Sophia. Uhm, daddy says to enjoy your vacation. I miss you. Can you visit me so we can play? Daddy got someone to change my room. She's really pretty and smells really nice. I think she can make y-" George's voice cuts through his daughter's before she is able to finish her sentence. "Emily! Ahahaha! Sophia just misses you." I can hear Sophia in the background and can't help but laugh at her politeness. "Daddy, you told me that's rude. And you have to apologize if you're being rude." George quickly finishes his message. "I have to go now. Sophia's being a little hyper today. She's excited because I finally found someone to redesign our house and she's doing Sophia's room first. Make good use of the vacation I'm giving you, Fields. Swim some."

"It seems like Sophia's trying to set you up with this really pretty girl who also smells really nice. And it looks like she's an interior designer. Why not go for it?" Mom smiles at me hopefully.

"Mom! It hasn't even been 10 minutes since our conversation regarding Paige and you're already setting me up with someone you don't even know!" I turn around to look at her, exasperated.

"Okay, someone I know then?" She pauses for a while. "So how's Sadie?" She quickly follows through.

"MOM! Are you serious?!" I glare at her. I can't believe my mom is pushing this so hard.

"Like I said, Emy. I just want you to be happy." She exclaims.

"Is that really it or are you thinking of grandchildren again?" I squint at her accusingly.

"Well, your father and I aren't getting younger, Emily." She states matter of factly.

"Mom, you and dad are getting grandkids. I want children, okay? I just want to have them with the right person. If it helps, there might be something with Sadie but I need to focus on being okay first." My mom beams at me and I instantly regret admitting to her that I like Sadie.

"Oh Emily! I knew it! I'm going to-" She immediately takes out her cellphone.

"No! Don't tell dad! Mooom!" I reach out to take her phone, almost spilling my coffee in the process.

"Emily Fields! That is no way to treat your mother!" She says sternly.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want things to get out of hand. I'm not even sure about this yet. Can we keep it between us first?" I apologize. My mom only uses my whole name on 2 occasions, when she's angry or when she's really sad. Most of the time, she's angry. For the latter reason, that's only happened twice – the first time my dad left and the day Paige died.

"I'm sorry too. I'm just excited to see your smile again, one that's genuine and doesn't hide any pain underneath. I haven't seen that since, well, since you were with Paige." Her look softens as she pulls me in for a hug.

I spend the rest of the day with my mom. We have lunch in my apartment as I tell her about what my friends are up to and she tells me all about Rosewood's now quiet existence. We avoid talking about everything that happened back then. It was such a stressful time for everyone that no one really wants to talk about it except those who weren't involved. By late afternoon, we are both done with our updates. She has to get back to Rosewood and I have to get ready for my dinner date with the girls, their guys and Sadie. We say our goodbyes and hug for one last time before she leaves to catch the train back to Rosewood.

Once I'm alone, I reach for my answering machine and listen once again to Sophia's message. My heart melts upon hearing her voice. I miss that little girl. I always thought that if I had a daughter, she would be just like her. So sweet and innocent but very bright and oozing with charm. She's going to be a heartbreaker someday. I dial George's cell number and wait for him to pick up while I choose what to wear for dinner.

"Emily! How are you doing?" I unconsciously grab a hanger with a swimsuit on it. Sometimes hearing George's voice makes me want to get into the pool. I smile at myself and put it back.

"Hey George. I'm doing okay, I guess. What's this I hear about your home finally getting a makeover?" Ever since Paige, I've been so curious about interior designers. There's something about knowing it's what she dreamed of becoming. I find comfort in placing her in the shoes of one and imagining she's living her dream.

"Yeah, I met her today. She's Sadie's ex-girlfriend. Small world, huh? She's right here, actually. In Sophia's room. I'm just in the kitchen getting some juice and cookies." George says. I feel jealous. George just met her today and he's already leaving her alone with Sophia. She must be good with kids or she must be really pleasant for George to trust her so quickly.

"Wait, let me get this straight. Pun intended. Sophia, your daughter, wants me to meet the really pretty interior designer who smells really nice and who also happens to be Sadie's ex. And she wants me to meet her because?" Sadie's ex is getting on my nerves. She seems to be living the life Paige would have wanted for herself and that gets to me. Imagining Paige living the life she wanted is one thing but seeing or hearing of someone who is actually doing it makes me indescribably angry. It's unfair.

"Emily, you know Sophia idolizes you. Like everyone else, she wants you to be happy. You don't know how much my 5 year old worries about you. There are times I'm actually alarmed at the stress your unhappiness is giving her. So if you're done crying over a ghost, I think this girl is worth your time." George is such a kind person that even when he's being insensitive, he just ends up sounding thoughtful. I can't believe he's joining the matchmaking bandwagon.

"Not you too, George! You're supposed to be on my side! And don't think I didn't hear you call Paige a ghost!" I try to fake an angry tone but I end up sounding amused instead. I hope George doesn't think I like this whole matchmaking business.

"I AM on your side. That's why I want you to find someone to make you happy. And who said Paige is a ghost? She's an interior designer." George states.

"What?" Now I'm confused.

"The interior designer. Her name's Paige. What is up with you? Didn't you just say she wasn't a ghost?" When George finishes his sentence, I say goodbye and hang up before he can say anything else.

I sit down on my bed. My mind is trying to make sense of our conversation, replaying the past few minutes. George referred to my ex-girlfriend as a ghost and I called him out on it. I mentioned Paige's name, forgetting that no one in New York, save from my friends, knows her name. It just seemed wrong to be living in New York, our dream city, without her. Granted, it first started out as the liars' dream city. But along the way, it became the ideal choice for Paige and I. Saying her name to anyone who lives here makes me feel guilty because she can't experience it with me no matter how much I want to share it with her. So Sadie's ex is also named Paige. I laugh. Sadie's Paige is living the life my Paige dreamt of but never got the chance have. I laugh until I see teardrops falling on my jeans. The universe's sense of humor can be so twisted at times. I wipe my eyes. I'm going to be late for dinner if I don't get ready soon. Sadie will be there and maybe I can ask her about Paige. Her Paige, I mean.

I change into a plain white sleeveless dress, choosing to be more feminine tonight instead of my usual jeans and shirt combo. I pair it up with a teal cardigan because New York nights can be cold. Lastly, I snap on a brown belt and wear my beige ballet flats. I head over to Carpe Diem. The cool night breeze gets me in a good mood, making me involuntarily forget about Sadie's Paige, and eager to meet up with my friends for a night of good food and good company.

When I get there, everyone's already sitting at a huge table made up of several small tables put together. Sadie gets up and greets me with a hug.

"You look beautiful." She whispers into my ear before we pull apart.

I can see everyone staring at us, obviously waiting for me to make a move or to say something. Hanna's smile is so wide, she looks like she's doing a toothpaste commercial. Spencer gives me a knowing look. You can't fool her and right now, I'm glad none of us can. She always knows what's up, more a consequence of knowing her friends too well rather than of her intelligence, although the latter also helps. She knows I'm not up for any of Han's plans. At least there's one person in the room who's aware of how I really feel. Aria, on the other hand, looks confused. She's so supportive of her friends that she doesn't like to jump to conclusions. We all got tired of doing that because of A. After leaving Rosewood, we all became less presumptuous. The boys are busy talking to one another, save for Toby, who just smiles at me, looking amused.

"Thanks." I whisper back before heading over to the table.

It's not surprising that the only seat left is the one between Hanna and Sadie. No doubt Han set this up. Once I've seated myself, all the boys get up and give each of their girlfriends a single rose. Hanna is beaming as she winks at Caleb while Spencer and Aria blush, obviously surprised. Caleb then hands a rose to Sadie, who for a minute doesn't know what to do but quickly gets the hint. She stands up and hands me the rose. I accept it with a smile, telepathically cursing my best friend at the same time.

"You know that rose doesn't compare to you but it's all they can afford." Sadie laughs before taking her seat.

"Sadie, you're so funny! Isn't she, Em?" Hanna laughs out loud. I could literally stab Hanna with a fork right now. I shift my gaze over to Spencer and Aria, who are sitting beside each other, pleading for help. Team Sparia exchanges glances before Spencer picks up her cell and sends me a text.

"Sorry. It's too late. Blame Caleb. I told him to update me when Crazy Han appears but he was apparently oblivious to her scheming until tonight. Will try to do damage control instead. Maybe tonight's the night to explore your uncharted feelings for Sadie?" I look back at Spencer who gives me an apologetic smile. I sigh. I guess tonight's going to be a long night for me and a very fun one for Hanna.

We make light conversation as we eat dinner. Sadie is her usual sweet self, throwing flirty remarks every once in a while which I know aren't part of Hanna's antics. But knowing that Hanna's loving it everytime she says something remotely flirtatious makes me want to ask Sadie to keep quiet. Before dessert, I stand up to go to the bathroom. I don't really need to go but I need to get away from the group. Sadie and I used to have such a fun time together. With Hanna playing matchmaker, it's starting to feel a bit forced. Even when I know some of Sadie's flirting is her own.

I stay inside the bathroom for a while, locking the door and just listening to myself breathing. I want to be alone for a moment. Hanna, as my best friend, will gladly set me up with anyone as long as that person makes me happy. What's happening outside is kind of reminiscent of the summer before we all went to college. It was the time Hanna realized that Paige and I are the real thing. Every chance she could get, she'd tease us, not stopping until she had to leave. It could get annoying at times because Hanna can go overboard but mostly, it was appreciated. Paige loved Hanna for it. She felt like Han was her personal cheerleader when it came to my heart. I wish Hanna could see that I'm not prepared for anything that even resembles a relationship.

"Emily?" Toby's voice interrupts my thoughts.

"Oh, Toby, I'm sorry. The men's room is over there." I open the door, just enough to get my hand through to point towards the men's room.

"Can I come in?" Toby asks.

"What? Why?" I ask back, bewildered.

"I've been meaning to talk to you. And with everyone outside, that's kind of hard to do." He looks at me with those brooding bright blue eyes. I have no romantic feelings for Toby but his eyes are hard to resist. It's what Spencer loves most about him.

"You want to talk inside the ladies' room?" I'm still doubtful though I'm already considering the idea.

"Is there any place else we can talk in private? Come on, Emily." His hand is pushing the door lightly now.

"Okay. Fine. Only because I miss you and I trust you completely." I open the door and welcome him into my space for the night. Thank goodness Café Diem has a clean spacious bathroom. Once he is inside, he pulls me into a hug. We both put the toilet covers down and sit on our own toilet, taking up residence in each of the room's stalls.

"How are you holding up?" Toby starts.

"Han's being crazy." I sigh.

"We could talk about Hanna or you could answer my question." He knows I'm avoiding his question but there's really no escaping him.

"I don't really feel like being with someone at the moment, Toby." I say softly.

"Last I heard, a moment's just a moment, Emily. Not 4 years. I get the first year, even the second. But at some point, you have to let go." He replies calmly. Talking to Toby is so soothing. His voice remains soft and assuring, absent of any kind of judgement. I play with the stall door, opening and closing it with my foot.

"She's my one great love. I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I did her. I don't think I'm capable of loving anyone that much anymore. And I'm scared." This is the first time I've said this to anyone. I've never said it aloud, not even when there's no one around but me.

"Let me guess. You're scared that you'll find someone who you'll love more than you did Paige. And if that happens, you'll end up wrong. She won't be your one great love anymore because then she'll be just another ex-girlfriend you lost." He says nonchalantly, like he could read my mind and see all the things I'm scared to admit to anyone, even to myself.

"Ali confirmed any doubt in my mind that I was gay, even if I couldn't admit it at that time. Maya was my first girlfriend. And Paige.." A sob cuts through my sentence. I can hear Toby get up from his toilet seat and open his stall door. "I don't want to find the person who will make her mean less." I cry as my head falls into my hands. Toby catches me in his arms before I stumble to the floor.

"I don't believe anyone can do that. She may not be your first love or your first girlfriend but she gave you almost 5 years of happiness. And if I know anything about you at all, those were the best years of your life so far. If things went as planned, you'd be married by now, probably with a child on the way. Paige will always be the one who got away. She set the bar for anyone who comes after her. She will always be the one with whom you're going to compare your future girlfriends to, to see if they're at par. I think she did that on purpose because she always believed that you were too good for her. She became the best girlfriend for you because there was always a fear at the back of her head that you'd wake up one day realizing that and leave. So when the time comes that you have to pick someone new, you'd pick someone who can take care of you and love just as much, if not more, than she can." He pulls me to my feet before handing me his handkerchief.

"She didn't have anything to worry about, you know. I will always pick her. It's been years and I still always choose her." I take Toby's handkerchief, using it to dry my eyes.

"Everyone knows that, Emily. But no matter how confident and secure Paige was in her own skin, she always had that fear. One more thing, she will always be Batman. To you and to everyone else. No one else can play that role as well as she did." He says smugly.

"When did you get so smart? Did Spencer rub off on you?" I smile at him, still with red puffy eyes.

"Maybe. She's been teaching me some stuff." He laughs. I return his handkerchief to him. He's putting it back in his pocket when Ezra walks in.

"Mind if I join you? I can't handle the craziness outside anymore. I might be a bit too old for it. I heard some mumbling so I figured you were both hiding in here." Ezra looks at both of us, hands on his hips. "At the moment, the girls are busy pouring drinks and throwing spoonfuls of pie at each other. And I thought you were supposed to be the mature ones in the species."

"How was the poetry club?" I ask out of impulse. Of all the guys, I'm most guarded with Ezra. It's not that I don't trust him. I do. I just haven't had much interaction with him alone. He's usually with Aria all the time.

"It was great. It's always an accomplishment to see my students grow so much in their writing." He exclaims. Talking to Ezra about writing is exhilarating. You can see the passion in the way his eyes light up.

"That's good." Toby says quietly. There's really not much we can talk to Ezra about.

"Tonight I can write the saddest lines. To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her. To hear the immense night, still more immense without her. And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture. What does it matter that my love could not keep her. The night is starry and she is not with me. This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance. My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her. My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer. My heart looks for her, and she is not with me." He whispers with his eyes closed.

"Did a student of yours write that?" I inquire, knowing full well that it was meant for me.

"Pablo Neruda. I noticed your eyes are wet. I guess Hanna's plans aren't working so well. Aria always told me that poem reminds her so much of you and Paige." He smiles sympathetically.

"We're doing poetry now?" Caleb's voice fills the room. "Sorry, I just came from the men's room and heard you guys talking on my way back to the table. I need a break from my girlfriend's incessant scheming so I decided to join you. She's looking for you, by the way." He points to me, almost breaking out into a smile. When he notices my tears, he hugs me instead. "I miss Batman too."

"Em, you're GAY. Why are you hogging all the boys?" Hanna suddenly bursts into the room, champagne bottle in hand and pie in her hair.

"Hanna, I'm not really in the mood for this." I try to say but she has already pushed a glass into my hand.

"You're drunk. We should probably go." Caleb takes her arm and starts to lead her out of the bathroom.

"Caleb, I'm fine! Emily and I are going to have a few drinks first." She twists herself free of Caleb with too much force, she falls on the floor and champagne spills everywhere. Aria, Spencer, and Sadie are now also by the door, curious as to what the noise was all about. We are all staring at each other, temporarily dumbfounded.

"Hey Sadie! Your bathroom floor is made out of champagne!" Hanna squeals, pointing to the puddle of champagne on the floor. We all burst into laughter. "What's so funny?" Hanna pouts as Caleb pulls her up, wrapping his arm around her waist. The group starts to leave one by one.

"I hope you enjoyed the night despite Hanna. I think we'd all agree that she now belongs to Radley. Hang in there, okay?" Spencer hugs me and walks out with Toby. Toby gives me a last glance, nodding in acknowledgement.

"You know where to find me, Em." Aria touches my arm lightly. "You'll be okay. I promise." I pull her in for a hug. I'm feeling attached to my friends right now. I don't want them to leave because I know I'll have to face Sadie. I wasn't really at my best this evening. No thanks to Hanna.

Once everyone has left the bathroom, I pick up the champagne bottle and grab a couple of tissues, trying to clean up the mess my best friend made. I'm still on my knees when I hear the door open and close. I look up to see Sadie, in a red dress and black heels. She looks absolutely beautiful. I watch her lock the door. Maybe she actually has to use the bathroom?

"You don't have to clean that, you know." She kneels down and helps me wipe the puddle of champagne. "I didn't know you loved Café Diem's bathroom so much. If I had known, I would have brought you here for dates." She teases. I feel both embarrassed and ridiculous, hiding out here instead of spending time with my friends.

"Yeah, well, the stalls are an architectural masterpiece." I joke back. Things are starting to feel more natural now that no one's pushing us together.

"I'm sorry I played along with all of Hanna's ideas. I should have stopped when I saw you were uncomfortable." She states. The look in her eyes tells me she blames herself for what happened tonight.

"It's not your fault. Hanna can be like that. She means well in spite her lack of sensitivity at times." I choose my words carefully.

"Should, um, should we stop this?" Sadie sits in front of me, waiting for me to answer.

"What do you mean?" I reply. I am at a loss for words. Does she want me to make a decision right now?

"I'm just going to come out and say it, okay? We've been at this for the past 2 years. Maybe we should stop looking at each other as someone who could possibly be each other's future. Maybe we need to decide right now whether we actually want that because after everything that happened to me last night, I'm sure I want you in mine." She speaks with such conviction, like she's so sure it's what she wants. "I'm not forcing you to make a choice right now, to be with me or not, but I need to at least know how far off I am from getting there." Her voice trails off and her face turns a deep red.

I remain silent, not knowing what to say. I am shocked. Sadie is right. We have been flirting for 2 years now but neither of us was ever this direct about how we felt. I'm afraid to say something. I might end up hurting her. I can feel tension in the air. I focus on the champagne bottle in my hand, avoiding her eyes. We stay like that for a few minutes but it seems like hours. I don't know how long the shock is going to wear off but I have no plans of saying anything until it does.

"Cat got your tongue, Fields? Or is that champagne bottle more interesting than I am?" She laughs, trying to bring the feel of the room back to what it was before she said anything. I stare up at her, still speechless.

With purpose, Sadie moves towards me. She sits beside me, facing me. She reaches up and places her right hand on my left cheek and turns my face toward her. She gazes at me with so much affection in her eyes, rendering me dumbstruck yet again. She moves her thumb over my lips as she bites down on her lower lip. I know what she's thinking but I'm too lost in the moment to do anything.

She moves her hand to the back of my neck, leaning forward to kiss me. It's just a peck at first. She's testing the waters, seeing if I'm going to push her away or not. My mind is so dysfunctional right now all I can think of is Sadie's lips on mine. When I don't move, she kisses me again. Deeper this time. She brushes her tongue against my lower lip and my breath hitches in surprise, opening my mouth slightly, allowing her access. She slips her tongue inside my mouth, kissing me more passionately. I close my eyes, trying to savor this, attempting to live in the moment. Sadie pulls me closer, flushing our bodies against each other. Her hand moves up my thigh and as soon as I feel her touch on my bare skin, I see Paige in my head. I lose my grip on the champagne bottle, breaking it into pieces.


	16. Chapter 16 - An Unlikely Meeting

**I hope everyone likes this chapter. Emily and Paige are getting close to meeting each other. It will happen soon, guys, so hang in there. In the meantime, what do you think will happen when they do? Of course, I already have an idea in my head. It's just a matter of putting it into words and a chapter. But that's not to say though that I don't want to hear your own theories for the story.**

**Frustrated, that's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you so much. :)**

**Annamarie, I know what you mean! I have to admit, when I started writing Sadie, I didn't think her character would be so out there. But I think her personality is what endears her to me so much as well. It's what keeps her going in spite everything she's gone through. She doesn't wallow as much as Emily does and I think it provides a nice contrast as to how different people handle their own heartbreaks.**

**To all the readers, especially those who I'm familiar with because you guys always leave reviews, thank you for reading. I really appreciate it. I can say this all over again every time I upload a new chapter but it simply won't be enough.**

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**Paige's POV**

I wake up a bit late, having enjoyed my dream too much. I dreamt of us in the car again, singing along to Pink. So far, all my dreams of E are recurrent. I've been having them since the accident. During the first year after regaining consciousness, I thought new dreams were just going to keep coming to me. It was within that year that I had all my dreams, months apart from one another. From then on, I've been having just those 3 dreams. In this exact order, the one in the car, the one in the pool, and the one with sick Paige. I practically memorize them and know them by heart. I don't mind that I don't have new dreams of her. It just makes me want to meet her all the more. Besides, it's not like they get old. In each one of those dreams, I feel extremely happy and content, something I don't recall ever feeling in my life so far. Maybe it's one of those things you only feel when you're so in-love and absolutely certain of someone. Because that's another thing I can feel in each of my dreams of her. I feel so much love for her it amazes me that I'm capable of loving someone that much. I wonder whether I'd feel exactly the same way the first time I meet her.

"Too bad you missed dinner. You would have had so much fun! Also, you need to meet Emily already. I kind of need your help winning her heart. I never thought it would be so hard competing against a ghost. And yes, Sophia is the cutest!" Sadie's text grabs my curiosity. There aren't many people who she has difficulty winning over. She's a lady's man, so to speak. It's actually difficult to find a woman who won't swoon at Sadie. She's caused many a straight woman confusion.

"Find someone else. She sounds crazy. You might be dodging a bullet here." I sound a bit callous, I know, but Sadie and I have always been straight with each other. The only time we weren't was during the break-up and of course, we were obviously gay for each other at one time in our lives. I feel as if she deserves someone better, at least someone who's not insanely hung over a dead person.

I get out of bed. I grab some juice from the refrigerator and instantly regret the decision once I swallow. It feels like I'm swallowing glass. The drinking binge Sadie and I had the other night must be catching up to me. You know when you get a sore throat? The first time you swallow after waking up is just torture. Maybe this is just something temporary. I cough and swallow again. Nope, I do have a sore throat. I put the juice back and get dressed. I remember E and my dream and walk around my apartment with a smile on my face. A sore throat is no match for her.

I sit on the couch and open my laptop. I have to start looking for furniture and other pieces I want to use for George's house. Aside from doing what I love, I also can't wait to see Sophia's sweet smile once she sees her finished room. All that coupled with my dream last night – how's that for inspiration?

I browse my collection of online stores for possible buys. I like to look online first before I head out to the stores. Browsing online gives me an idea of what's available in the actual stores. That way, if they have nothing I want, I can skip going to that place. It saves a lot of window shopping time which I don't really mind except I'm just really excited to start with the renovations already that I don't mind skipping out on all the window shopping. I save images in a folder and label it, "George Geith". I'll show these to him later tonight when we meet at Café Diem.

My reply probably has Sadie on the edge because my cellphone rings and her name flashes on the screen. I accept the call and put her on speaker mode.

"Did you really mean what you texted?" Sadie asks, concerned.

"She just sounds irrational to me, Sades. This Emily girl is too caught up with her past. You don't want someone like that. I've heard a lot about her from you especially, but also from George and Sophia. I respect how sweet and lovable she seems, given the lack of genuinely nice people in the world. But you can't ignore the fact that she's still grieving her ex-girlfriend like she only died yesterday instead of years ago." I say matter-of-factly.

"What's wrong with your voice?" Sadie asks as I clear my throat. "You didn't just get laid, did you? Is she still there?" She whispers.

"What? Who's still, what? What are you saying?" I say, a little perturbed.

"Your voice. You sound like you did a lot of screaming last night. Husky and raspy suits you." She snorts.

"What the hell, Sades! Not everything is about sex. Haven't you heard of a sore throat?" I can't believe this girl. We're just taking leaps here. Days ago we weren't even in each other's business and now I'm shoulder deep in hers and we're talking casually about sex.

"I'm just saying! We both know you're not that quiet in be-" Oh god. Why can't she just stop talking?

"OKAY! Okay! Shut up!" I yell. It's a good thing she can't see me because my face is now red as a tomato. "Can we just get back to why you called in the first place?"

"Right. Anyway, the ex-girlfriend was practically family, Lia. They were together for almost 5 years and friends for far longer than that." Sadie explains.

"AND she's been grieving for almost as long as their relationship lasted. See, what I mean? Crazy, I tell you." I try to make my point.

"Don't tell me there's no one you'd feel that way for ever? Your parents, for example." Her last ditch effort to make me understand.

"That's family, Sades. That's hardly the same thing. I don't think you can ever get over losing a loved one, not really anyway. But it doesn't and it shouldn't cripple you for this long." Sadie's question gnaws at me more than I let on. I get a feeling that I can't quite shake off and a thought I can't push away. Why do I get the sense that I'm feeling the remnants of a loss just as shattering as Emily's right now? I know for a fact I've never lost anyone, not in that sense anyway. But why does it feel like I have?

"Some people just need someone else to show them what they're missing. Maybe all she needs is someone new to show her that she can feel that kind of love again." Her voice falters. I can feel her determination waiver. She, herself, is doubting that she can be that person for this girl. That disturbs me because I've never known Sadie to doubt herself before. I remain silent for a moment. When she doesn't say anything else, something dawns on me.

"What happened last night? What happened at the dinner?" My eyes widen involuntarily. I jump to my own conclusions and I can't help but think the worst.

"Uh. Nothing." The guilt in her voice is undeniable. She's hiding something.

"Nothing is ever nothing with you, Sadie. 2 years together does that, you know. You get to know the other person like the back of your hand. Don't make me use my degree on you." I warn her. Something unexpected must have happened.

"Well.. Fine, fine! Stop glaring!" She accuses.

"I'm not glaring!" I say impatiently.

"Oh, you are! You know you are! 2 years together does that, you know. I also know you like the back of my hand." She says triumphantly.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm glaring, so what? It's not like you can see me anyway." I know Sadie's right. I do glare. At nothing sometimes, especially when I'm talking to someone on the phone. It's a weird habit and I can't help it. "Don't change the subject! Come on, out with it!" I hear Sadie let out a sigh.

"It didn't happen during dinner. I mean, a part of it did but that's not what I'm worried about. After dinner, in the bathroom, we kissed.." She stops talking. I feel as if she's afraid to say anything more, like she's scared what she thinks might actually come true once she says them out loud.

"Was the dinner held in the bathroom? Or is there some other reason why you guys were in there? Did something more happen? I know what a turn on bathroom stalls can be." I try to lighten the mood with some humor. Sadie laughs then proceeds to tell me all about what transpired the night before, during and after dinner.

"Do you really want my honest opinion?" I ask but I already know she will.

"Lay it on me, McCullers. I can't get in a worse place than I already am, right?" She exhales, preparing herself for what I'm about to say. I take a deep breath.

"Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't want to get over the ex-girlfriend? Aren't you the least bit curious who she was when she was still alive? Didn't you ever see who you were up against?" It's true. It really doesn't seem like this Emily girl is prepared to let go of her ex-girlfriend. No matter how much happiness one thing gave you, if it starts to cause so much pain, you are bound to let it go. The question is, why does she hold on to it so tightly?

"She's DEAD, Lia. I don't need to know who she was. There's no one to compete with."

"If she's not competition, why are you having such a hard time getting into Emily's pants?" I try to stop my snickering but I can't. "Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so immature. But frankly, I don't think she's worth it. Girls kill for you, Sades. You're such a guy sometimes. Why do you have to go for the one person you can't have?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"Because the last time I thought I had the girl, it turns out I didn't. You left me with self-doubt issues. I have to prove myself and getting someone I can't have is just the way to do it." She states dryly.

"Oh, please. I'm not falling for your tricks again! Just admit it. You already invested more in her than you thought you would." I reply smugly. I can't believe she's still so easy to read.

"I just don't know how to explain it, Lia. She is nothing if not perfect. You say she's not worth it but you can only say that because you haven't met her yet. Once you do, I swear you will eat your words." It feels like she's pleading with me to agree to meet her. This is exactly how it all started when she wanted me to meet her parents. I guess in the past 2 years, Emily has become a huge part of her life.

"Fine. For your sake, I'll try to understand her." I mock her in between giggles. "Give me one person who comes closest to this perfection you describe." I say, challenging her.

"At the top of my head, the only person who comes to mind is you, actually." She says it like it's fact. I walk inside Café Diem and head towards Sadie, phone still to my ear. I left my apartment and decided to work here instead after hearing about the make-out fiasco Sadie had last night. I'm meeting George here later tonight after all. Plus, I figured Sadie could use some support. I must admit though, she definitely sounded more distressed than she looks.

"In that case, I believe you now. She must be one hell of a girl for you to compare her to me." I smile at her as I put my phone away. "I'd be flattered except I think this girl belongs in the nut house, remember?" I claim a table.

"We've been talking for how long and you can't even tell me you're on your way here?" She looks at me with disbelief. "Can't say I'm not happy you're here though. Anyway, can I invite her over for dinner tonight? You can finally get to meet each other and we can all have a chat." She says in a heartbeat. There is no distracting Sadie when she really wants something.

"Not tonight. I have a meeting with George. We're talking business." My tone is serious because I mean real business here.

"That's even better! Emily and George can catch up. Come on, it can be a double date kind of thing." She cajoles.

"Hold on a minute! Just to remind you, I'm the one with the amnesia here. Have you suddenly forgotten that I'm a lesbian? Not to judge but I highly doubt you're one of those people who believe a lesbian and a gay guy could work. Although, sorry to burst your bubble, I believe George is straight as a ruler." I rant.

"For God's sake, just agree to meet her already! If you want to think she's insane, fine. But at least she's insane and really really REALLY nice." Her eyes are literally pleading with me now. I smirk at her pent up frustration.

"Fine! Your obsession with this girl is annoying!" I tell her, finally giving up. I know Sadie well enough to know there is no changing her mind about these things. We're similar in that way. When we were still together, many of our fights were drawn out longer than necessary just because neither of us wanted to give in. "BUT! Only after George and I have finished our business meeting. The last thing I need is for someone to disrupt my work." I look at her sternly.

"YES!" Sadie squeals, pumps her fist up in the air and hugs me. I can't help but laugh at her excitement. She's like a kid who's been allowed to stay up way past her bedtime.

I spend the rest of the afternoon browsing and saving pictures in George's folder while drinking countless cups of tea and eating Café Diem's food. I've made sub-folders and labelled them with each room in his house. I'm just about finished with my layout of Sophia's room when George arrives. I glance at my watch and realize that I've lost track of time. It's already 6 in the evening.

"Hi Paige! Is that Sophia's room?" He stands over my shoulder, peering at the layout I have in my hands. I hold it up in front of me for him to see. "She's going to love it!" He sits down on the other side of the table, beaming.

"All you saw were the color swatches and some furniture, George. I haven't even explained to you where everything goes." I chuckle.

"You don't have to! I'm sure she'll LOVE it!" He exclaims.

"George, as grateful as I am of your complete trust and faith in me, I have to at least run everything by you." I say with conviction.

"I know. I'm just so excited to see my little girl's reaction when she sees her room. She actually wanted to come with me tonight and I almost gave in. She wanted to see the vanilla girl." He smiles.

"Aaaaw.. I want to see her too. I guess you left her with the carrot lady then?" I smile back.

"Yeah. I figured we were going to stay late. So I - " George manages to say before Sadie cuts him off.

"You bet you are! Emily's coming over after you guys talk houses and furniture." She leans against his chair and plays with his hair.

"Uh.. G-great!" George gulps, silenced by Sadie's presence.

"Sades, this is business. Keep disturbing us and at this rate, we'd be meeting Emily tomorrow instead of tonight." I roll my eyes at her.

"Boo you, McCullers." She slaps my arm playfully and walks away.

"W-wait! Emily's coming over?" George turns to Sadie, temporarily distracted. "S-Sadie, is she out of her slump? Are you, uh um, a c-couple now?" I eye George, amused at how Sadie can make him stammer like he's been using cannabis for months.

"You're her coach, shouldn't you know? Oh Georgie, don't worry. She's coming over later. I want to show my girl off to Paige. We're not quite there yet though. I'm working on it, Georgie." Sadie drapes her hand over George's shoulder. George stiffens in his seat, sweating profusely.

"Okay Sades, go away. You've teased George enough already. Save your moves for Emily." I pull her away from George and turn her towards the counter.

"Will you be okay here on your own, George? I just need to freshen up." I ask. I may think she's crazy but I should at least look decent when I meet Sadie's girl.

"Go ahead. I need to check on Sophia anyway." He picks up his phone to make a call.

"You're not leaving, are you?" Sadie shouts from behind the counter as I stand up from my seat.

"Jesus, Sades! Lay off, will you? Can't I go to the restroom without you hounding me?" I walk towards the ladies' room. This whole thing with Sadie and Emily and meeting her is getting out of hand. Is it really supposed to be this stressful?

Once inside the restroom, I face the mirror. I smooth out my white v-neck and unbutton the boy scout t-shirt I have over it. I use my fingers as a comb and run them through my hair a couple of times. My hair has grown way past my shoulders now. I smile at all the hairstyles I can try out just because it's longer. Most especially, hairstyles involving braids. I always thought braids were a sophisticated way to give your hair a nice twist. I love them but I can't recall the last time I met anyone who I thought was special enough. Braids take time to do, especially when you're doing them on your own hair. Maybe one of these days, I'll meet someone who will make me want to put braids in my hair again.

I go into a stall and lock it. I take my time emptying my bladder. When I'm almost done, I hear someone walk into the bathroom and into the stall beside mine.

"Crap." I say out loud, momentarily forgetting that I'm not alone, as I realize that the stall I'm in has run out of tissue paper. I reach into my pants pocket to text Sadie but my phone is outside, on the table with George. "Damn it."

"Um, I don't mean to pry and I know how weird it must be to talk like this, but are you okay?" The girl in the other stall says calmly. Her voice sounds familiar. I try to place where I've heard it before but she speaks again, distracting my thoughts. "Hey, are you still there?"

"Uh y-yeah. I'm okay. This stall just doesn't have any tissue paper left and I didn't bring any with me. So.. yeah." I try to explain my previous outburst. I push the familiarity of her voice away for now and focus on my tissue paper problem.

"Oh! Well, if you need some that badly, you can have some from this stall." I can hear some rustling and then the sound of tissue paper being torn from the roll.

"No, that's okay! It's not necessary. I can.. Uh.. I can just.." Great Paige. You're going to what? Use your hand as tissue? "Uh.." I must sound like an idiot.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay? Um, are you crying? Like I said, I don't mean to pry but your voice.. It just sounds like you're going through something.. I've had my fair share of crying in the toilet so.. You're not really alone on this one." She sounds genuinely worried.

"I AM going through something. It's called a sore throat." I reply, surprised at the apparent concern in her words. I don't know this girl and she doesn't know me. And yet, she makes me feel like she actually cares.

"Okay. That's good then." She pauses. "That you're not crying, I mean. It's not good that you have a sore throat. But at least it's not something a little water and rest can't solve. Anyway, about the tissue, don't worry. My hands are clean. I haven't touched myself yet." She assures me.

"W-What?" I sputter, almost falling off my seat. Before I can say anything else, she starts explaining.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry. I meant.. I meant the only thing I've done so far is unbutton my pants so you know, my hands are clean and available." She pauses. "I'm sorry that didn't sound right either. I'm just going to stop talking now." She sounds mortified.

We both sit in silence for a while. I know exactly what she meant. I pull myself together, trying not to laugh before I say anything. I know I can't sit here for the rest of the night just because of tissue paper!

"Uh.. Can I have some tissue please?" I break the silence.

"S-sure. Here." She glides her hand under the slim divider between the stalls.

"Thanks. I'm sure you have, uh, clean hands, by the way." I say. Though Café Diem's restroom is beautiful, there was actually very little space to work with at the start. I initially planned to have a single stall put in but Sadie insisted on having two. She owned the place so it was her call. Since there are 2 stalls, each stall is kind of cramped. When I reach down to grab the tissue from her, I do so blindly. My head is pressed against the divider while my hand is groping along the bottom of it, searching for hers.

"Sorry for everything I said a while ago. I'm just a bit flustered tonight." She shares.

I try to lower my head a little more to get a view of where her hand is. Instead, I just feel like I'm using the side of my head to push against the divider. I'm starting to get a headache.

"Sorry. I can't really see where your hand is. The stalls are a bit cramped." I apologize. Can this be any more awkward than it already is?

"I know what you mean. My hand's here." She knocks on her side of the divider and I use the sound to find her hand. I move my hand to the back end of the divider with a little bit more force than I should have and I inadvertently bump into hers, causing her wrist to scrape along the bottom edge of the thin wall.

"Ow!" She yelps as she attempts to withdraw her hand. In my surprise at actually feeling skin, I close my hand around whatever I can hold on to. We sit there in our separate stalls, both in shock, with her hand in mine and some tissue in between. Wow. She has soft hands. Clean hands too, according to her. Soft AND clean. Wait. What is wrong with me? What are you thinking, Paige? Her gasp cuts through the silence, bringing me back to the moment.

"I'm really sorry! Did I hurt you?" I ask, her hand still in mine. I run my thumb along her skin, feeling for any break or cut. There is none. I take the tissue paper and let go of her hand. Why did I do what I just did? I think of how creepy it must be to have a stranger run her finger over your bare skin. It's a good thing she can't see me.

"No, I'm fine. Your hand was just, um, a bit cold. I hope that's enough." We spend a few more seconds in silence before she flushes the toilet and walks out of the stall. I can hear her washing her hands.

"It is. Thank you again. And hey, whatever reason you're flustered, I'm sure you'll be okay." I comfort her as a thank you for helping me with my tissue predicament.

"Thanks." I can hear the smile in her voice.

When she leaves, I sit in the stall for a few more seconds, processing what just happened. What a strange experience. I make a mental note to tell Angel about this. We could laugh about it. I can't help but smile as I recall what the girl said. _I haven't touched myself yet_. She must be REALLY flustered.

I step out of the stall and walk over to the sink. The smell of peaches wafts over me as I wash my hands. I look around for a while. Well, that explains it. I pick up the peach scented handwash Sadie put in here, patting myself on the back for not jumping to conclusions. I give myself a once over and smile at my reflection. I head back out to our table, ready to meet Emily.

"That took you long enough." Sadie tells me as soon as I walk out of the restroom.

"If you had tissue in every stall, I wouldn't have taken this long. So where's this girl of yours?" I look around the café, trying to decipher which of Sadie's customers I just had that very interesting encounter with. I can still feel her hand like her skin etched itself into mine.

"Stop looking around, shifty eyes. She was here but she had to go. She'll be back by 8." She says casually but I can see in her eyes how excited she really is. I glance at my watch. It's only 7pm.

"Well, I guess my stomach can hold on for another hour. It's not like I have a choice in the matter anyway." I sit back in my chair and face George who is still talking to Sophia on the phone.

"Yes, it's her." George looks at me. "She's busy, honey. You can talk to her when she comes over for a visit, okay?" I hold my hand out and smile, letting George know I'd love to talk to his daughter. "Hold on for a minute, okay Sophia?" He covers the end of his phone with his hand. "Are you sure?" He whispers.

"Of course! This vanilla girl can't resist Sophia." I say, pleased that Sophia wants to talk to me.

"Hi princess! I'm so glad to hear your voice. How are you?" I smile into the phone.

"Hi Paige. Are you and daddy talking about my room?" She whispers.

"Yes. Why are we whispering?" I whisper back. She giggles.

"Daddy says he's having dinner with Emily. Are you going to have dinner with her too?" This 5 year old girl sure is smart for her age.

"Sophia, I can't fix Emily's heart. Maybe someone can but that someone isn't me." I say calmly, careful not to disappoint the little girl.

"But you haven't even met her yet! You'll like her. I promise." There is so much innocence in her voice. She has no idea that love isn't this simple and it's sweet but I know better than to get a little child's hopes up. Children are believers. They put great faith in people around them and that makes everything hurt more when you disappoint them. I haven't met Emily yet but she annoys me already. I doubt meeting her will change my mind.

"Sophia.." I say gently.

"Please?" She pleads with me softly. Why is this so important to her?

"Tell you what. I promise I won't say no until I meet her tonight. But if I don't like her, that'll be the end of it, okay? You're my princess, not a match maker." You always have to be gentle and honest with children.

"Really? Okay!" She squeals into the phone. "You'll like her! I know you will! She's really nice and she smells nice too!" Her happiness is undeniable.

"Does she? Even better than me?" I tease her. I know it's irrational but I'm jealous that Sophia thinks Emily is so great.

"Not exactly better. Just different. You smell like vanilla." She explains.

"And what does she smell like?" I ask her, playing along.

"Peaches!" She answers enthusiastically.

"Vanilla tops peaches on my list. Your daddy wants to talk to you now, princess. I'll see you soon okay?" I hand the phone back to George. I drink my glass of water and finish it in one gulp as George ends the call.

"Sorry about Sophia." He sounds embarrassed.

"Don't worry about it. She's cute. I adore her, actually." I tell him the truth. "I don't get it though. Why doesn't she push Sadie towards Emily instead?"

"Well, Sophia knows I like Sadie and she's kind of pushing for something to happen between us.." He smiles sheepishly.

"So she sets Emily up with the next lesbian she meets.. Who just so happens to be me." I conclude.

"Actually, you're the first person she's pushed towards Emily. She's met other lesbians. Swimmers I coach, mostly. I pride myself in raising my daughter to be very accepting of people. But she's never paired Emily up with anyone else before." He says nonchalantly.

"Hmm.. Is that so?" Now I'm confused.

I wonder what Sophia sees that makes her think Emily and I will be good together. Most importantly, I don't know why I care so much about a 5 year old's opinion. I should know better than to listen to someone who's never been in-love. However, I also know that wisdom can come from those we least expect it from. I remember what Sophia said. Emily smells like peaches. If my dreams are accurate, so does E.

I look at my watch again. It's half past 7, 30 more minutes. My stomach churns. I wish time would go by quickly. Half an hour ago, I wanted her to get here aleady so I can silence my grumbling stomach. Now, I want nothing more than to meet her because I need to silence something else, my curiosity.


	17. Chapter 17 - Three In One

**So here we are! :) I don't want to say anymore. Just read. :)**

**Sorry for the messed up chapter numbers a while back. The prologue used to have a chapter of its own then I moved it into Chapter 1 without thinking. It didn't cross my mind that the chapter numbers would move. Stupid me. Sorry for the mistake. :)**

**I've been getting a lot of questions as to why Emily believes Paige is dead. Just like their meeting and what comes next, we'll get there. I can't really churn out chapters right now and I don't want to leave you with something half-baked. So, patience, guys. :)**

**Thank you again for all your wonderful words. You all keep me writing. :)**

* * *

**Paige's POV**

Normally, I have no problem with time. Don't get me wrong. Aside from my best friend, there is no better company than George and Sadie. Time is just going by so slowly. How in the world can 30 minutes seem like hours? I drink a glass of water to keep my stomach at bay.

Sadie and George are busy looking at the pictures in my laptop. That should keep them occupied for a long time. I saved a lot of pictures, hundreds I think. I know I can go overboard sometimes. But it's always better to have too much research than to have too little.

"So, how many pictures can I keep?" George asks.

"As many as you want, George. Place everything you like in a separate folder." I say. I had George scour through all the pictures. I believe it is in the best interest of both the interior designer and the client to involve the client every step of the way.

"Hey, can we even fit this all in the house?" He asks again.

"Of course not, George. That's why you're picking out the ones you really like." I explain. For our next few business meetings, George and I will go through his narrowed down selection, room by room, to reduce the number even more. Usually, by the third or fourth meeting, the number will be down to the actual pieces we will be using.

"Okay. I trust you though, Paige. I can't see the bigger picture and you can. What if I end up with furniture that doesn't go well together?" He voices out his concern.

"It's a tedious process, I know, but I find it to be very effective. Looking at the picture of a single piece of furniture over and over again helps you decide whether you actually want to see it in your home every single day. If you get tired of looking at it in a span of days, or a week or two, then that's probably something you wouldn't want in your house. We can worry about the bigger picture later. It's important that you love every piece in your home." I further elaborate on the process.

Of course, this has caused many problems for me, especially when the client decides to discard a key piece at the last minute. There are times I fight for a piece but most of the time, I let the client decide. I am after all, just someone who is hired to marry aesthetics and functionality which I am proud to say, I do quite well. I make the decisions when they ask me to do so. Other than that, the client mostly has free reign because it's their home. Many people say I work differently and maybe it's true. I have always done things my way and so far, my way has been getting things done pretty well. So well in fact that most of my clients end up becoming friends by the time we're finished and that really helps in building my network.

"I see your point. You know, I still can't believe you're doing my house. And I still can't believe YOU did Café Diem." George grabs my hands enthusiastically, squeezing them for emphasis.

"Well, you better believe it! Now sort the hell out of those pictures. I'm just going to sit out front and get some fresh air. Try to calm my stomach until Sadie's special guest arrives." I laugh at him.

I head to the wooden bench outside, taking a hot cup of tea with me. A breeze blows, making me shiver. I hold the cup tighter to warm my hands. I need to cut my fingernails. It would have been so embarrassing if I injured that girl in the restroom because of my untrimmed nails. It's funny how I can still feel her hand. I can use a pen to trace where her skin touched mine if I wanted to. I suddenly feel nostalgic. It feels like I've felt this before, like I know how it is to miss the feeling of having her hand, specifically, and not anybody else's, in mine. I feel like I used to hold it all the time. It burns, her touch - a pleasant kind of burn. The kind you get when you've had rainy days for so long and once the sun comes out, you bathe in its rays long enough to get a sunburn. It stings every time you move yet you don't care because you missed the sun so much. That's how it feels, exactly like that.

"Lia? Hello? McCullers!" Sadie calls out as she snaps her fingers in front of me, trying to get my attention.

"Huh? Oh, sorry. What is it?" I'm so easily distracted, usually when it comes to interior design and sometimes, also when it comes to things I want to know more about. Like a mysterious woman I meant in the restroom.

"I was asking how Angel's doing! What is up with you? I've been talking to you non-stop and you haven't said a single word." She sounds annoyed and I can't blame her. I would be too if someone seemed to be ignoring me.

"Angel is doing great! She just finished recording a few days ago in the studio owned by George's best friend. That's how I met George, actually." I answer her question.

"Where are you? You sound so distant. What were you thinking of a while ago anyway?" She raises her eyebrow at me. "Or is it a who? Like whoever was in your bed last night?"

"You're talking to me RIGHT NOW. How hard is it to believe that my voice is because of a sore throat and not because of a one night stand?" I roll my eyes at her.

"Who said it was a one night stand? All I said was maybe you got laid!" Sadie grins.

"I did NOT get laid last night! I have a sore throat!" I say rather loudly, earning me dagger looks and head shakes from an elderly couple who happened to be passing by.

"No need to be so defensive, Lia." She smiles.

"You're enjoying this." I squint at her. "Why are you tormenting me?" I ask with accusing eyes. What is she up to?

"Because I know THAT look." She states, so sure of herself.

"What look?" I pretend not to know what she's talking about.

"The look you get when you want something. Or someone." I keep forgetting how much Sadie knows me. I sigh.

"Alright. You win, Sades. I do want something. I want to eat! My stomach feels like it will devour itself any minute now! Where is this girl you can't stop talking about?" I stand up to pour myself another glass of tea.

"She'll be here soon, McCullers. She knows I'm closing early so we can have dinner." She eyes me as I quickly drink the last of my tea and place the cup down on the floor beside a potted plant. "Are you trying to drown yourself? You've been guzzling liquids like you just came from the desert."

"I'm starving! This is to trick my stomach into thinking that it has something to digest other than my stomach lining." I retort. My watch says 7:45. Did time slow down? What is taking 8:00PM so long? "I can't believe you closed your shop early just for this dinner."

"This is important to me, okay? Two significant people in my life are going to meet each other tonight. I can't wait for you guys to become friends already." She sits beside me and leans her head on my shoulder.

"What happens if I don't like her?" I say softly. Sophia may have sparked my curiosity to meet Emily but I haven't forgotten everything else, especially not the fact that she is so messed up because of her ex-girlfriend.

"You'll like her, Lia. I know you will. Just don't like her too much or you'll be in for heartache. Because like I said, she's mine." Sadie slaps me on the knee.

"I'm not looking for a crazy girlfriend, Sades." I hold her hand.

Maybe holding someone else's hand will make me feel hers less. It's been a while since I thought of anyone else romantically. For the past few years, I was pretty much preoccupied with E. Right now, I find myself preoccupied with the girl in the restroom. Am I cursed with the unknown? Am I not allowed to learn the truth? Because that seems to be a recurring theme in my life. With the amnesia, the girl in my dreams, and the girl in the restroom.

"Why does truth keep eluding me?" I say out loud, immediately regretting doing so. I do that sometimes. When I'm so deep in thought, I forget that my thoughts are actually supposed to stay inside my head and I end up thinking aloud.

"What?" Sadie lets go of my hand and looks at me like I'm high.

So many things are distracting me right now. All at the same time. Emily, E, and the restroom girl. I need to concentrate on my conversation with Sadie at the moment. I'm starting to look suspicious.

"It's nothing. I was just.. distracted by my hunger." I say, disappointed that I can still feel her hand in mine like I just held it seconds ago. I force her out of my mind and pick up my cup. I stand up and turn towards the café. Sadie grabs my arm and pulls me back down on the seat.

"Hold on, what is up with you? Why are you so out of it?" She puts both her feet up on my lap to pin me down on the bench.

"It's because I'm hungry." I answer.

"You get cranky when you're hungry, not distracted." She points out.

"No really. I'm just hu-" I blurt out but she starts talking again before I can finish my sentence.

"You're nervous, aren't you?!" She half shrieks half whispers, wide-eyed.

"Nervous of what? I have nothing to be nervous about." I brush off her statement.

"You're nervous about meeting Emily. Why?" She removes her legs from my lap.

"I'm not!" I say adamantly.

"Oh please! We're past the stage where we read each other wrong. We know each other too well. Time to stop pretending, Lia." She scoots closer, hooking her arm around mine.

"I know I keep saying that I might not like her. Everyone keeps building her up. What if I do end up liking her, Sades? What then?" I can't believe I'm telling Sadie all this. She might not get why I'm so worried because she doesn't know about E, or the restroom girl, and I don't intend to tell her.

What if Emily and E are the same person? I don't know how many people smell like peaches. There could be a thousand, or a billion even. But what if out of those billions of people, Sadie's Emily turned out to be my E? Sadie doesn't know it but E was part of the reason I left her. I couldn't blame the universe if that was my karma for leaving. I really need to talk to Angel.

"Then we'll all be really good friends!" Sadie says cheerfully. She has no idea.

"No Sades. I mean, what if she IS as great as you say. What if I end up liking her more than I should?" There. I've said it out loud. Sadie tightens her grip on my arm.

"I was worried about that for a while. I know you though. You may end up liking her but you won't do anything because you're like that. You're fiercely loyal to your friends. That's one thing you have in common with Emily. Besides, I saw how creeped out you are about the whole ex-girlfriend thing. I also know that when something creeps you out, it takes a lot to change your mind." She assures me.

"Yeah, you have a point there." I laugh. That's fact and it gives me reassurance. It takes a lot to creep me out but it takes so much more to change my mind once it happens.

"So now I'm not worried at all. But as it turns out, you are. Is it because Sophia wants you and Emily to get together?" She says it slowly, unsure whether bringing it up is a good idea. I stay quiet, stunned that Sadie knows about that. "Sophia doesn't know I like Emily. I didn't tell her. I talked to her a while ago before you did and she told me to have you stay for dinner. She's so sweet, isn't she?" Sadie smiles at me.

"That doesn't bother you? I'm only worried because I thought it would." I swallow.

"It doesn't. Sophia is 5 years old. She idolizes Emily. All she wants is for her to be happy. I doubt it matters as much to her as it does to the people involved who makes Emily feel that way." She says matter-of-factly.

"That settles it then. That's the only thing I'm anxious about." I pick up my cup and look at it, wanting more tea.

"Can you stop it with the tea? Drink any more and you'd end up spending the rest of the night in the ladies' room. Or is that the plan to avoid meeting Emily?" She lets go of my arm.

"What can I say? I did a very good job with your restroom." I smirk.

"Emily thinks so too. What is it with you beautiful girls and restrooms?" She teases. "She spends more time than she has to in there and she claims it's because the décor reminds her so much of her bathroom at home."

"Really? Hey, maybe I did her house. Though I'm pretty sure I'd remember decorating a mental hospital." I kid. This should throw Sadie off track because what she said just initiated another thought to take root in my head.

What if the girl in the restroom is Emily? Sadie did say she was at the café while I was in the ladies' room. What if she stopped by to freshen up first before she left? Furthermore, if the restroom girl and Emily are the same, and Emily and E are the same, then all those three girls are actually just one person - Emily. I really need to talk to Angel right now.

"Ha-ha! You're so funny." She says sarcastically. "She doesn't live in an asylum, McCullers. She's talking about the house she grew up in. Stop being mean to her. You have no idea what she's gone through." She punches my arm.

"Wow. Playing the girlfriend already, I see." I punch her back playfully. I'm relieved I finally got past Sadie's instinctual enquiries.

"Paige, Angel's calling." George comes out of the café in a hurry, holding out my phone. I feel so relieved when I hear this, I practically lunge at George's hand.

"Thanks, George!" I take my phone and head into the café, answering Angel's call. Sadie and George are now sitting on the bench, talking to each other. That'll give them some bonding time. I hope George can keep his nerves under control.

"Angel! What's up?" I sit at the table in the farthest corner of the café, trying to keep my cool. In case Sadie and George suddenly come in, I don't want them to hear what I'm saying. I plan on telling Angel about Emily, E, and restroom girl and my theories on who they all are. I need some kind of release from all the mystery.

"I know you're excellent at what you do but I doubt you've finished George's house in a couple of days!" She sounds ecstatic.

"I haven't! We've barely gotten into it." I reply.

"Oh yeah? Well, you must be doing something right because he talks like you've already done your job. I knew you'd impress him. You impress all your clients. And your voice right now impresses me. Raspy!" She says gleefully.

"Careful with the flattery. I might think you're coming on to me. I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship. And it's called a sore throat." I grin.

"Sorry babe, if I were gay, I'd find someone else to flirt with. You're too obsessed with Peaches for my liking." I can see her pouting in my mind.

"Hey!" I bark into the phone, my voice turning more hoarse.

"Oh right. I meant, E. Sorry." She mutters. "How is she doing in your dreams, by the way? I bet you turn her on with that sore throat voice of yours."

"You're horrible, as usual. Anyway, I have so much to tell you, Angel! I don't even know where to start." I spy George and Sadie getting up from the bench, ready to go inside the café again.

I look at my watch. It's already 8 and still no Emily. My stomach is quiet now. My hunger has passed. She better be here by the time my stomach starts growling again. I walk inside the ladies' room and lean against the sink.

"Ha! All that tea is getting to you now, isn't it? I told you!" I ignore Sadie's shouts from the other side of the cafe.

"How about starting from the very beginning, love?" Angel states the obvious.

"Okay. I'm going to give you the short version of everything. First things first. Sadie and I are friends now. We talked and sorted things out. It's a good thing too because George loves Café Diem and has sort of picked it out as our staple meeting place. They know each other well. AND they both want me to meet a friend of theirs who also happens to be Sadie's current love interest. Her name is Emily. She's one of George's best swimmers and is still incredulously hung over a dead girlfriend who apparently died 4 years ago." I stop to give Angel time to process everything so far.

"Go on, love." Angel says after a few seconds, unfazed.

"George's 5 year old daughter, Sophia, seems to think that I can fix Emily's heart. She's adorable and she's worried about Emily a lot because the girl keeps crying over her ex-girlfriend. According to Sophia, Emily smells like peaches." I wait for her to connect the dots. I can hear her tapping her foot. She does that when she's thinking.

"And you think E and Emily are one person because they both smell like peaches, right?" She points out.

"Right. But I'm not done yet. I met someone. Well, I didn't really meet her. I just got to talk to her." I start to tell her the restroom girl story.

"You didn't meet her but you talked to her. Over the phone? When was this?" She asks, letting me know she's listening intently.

"No. In Café Diem's bathroom earlier this evening. I was peeing and the stall I was in didn't have any tissue. She went into the stall next to mine and heard me cursing. She offered to give me some tissue paper. Anyway, to cut the story short, we ended up holding hands for a while." I pause and wait for her to reply.

"Is that a lesbian thing? Or a McCullers thing? Talking to a random stranger and holding her hand? Inside a restroom? With both your pants, AND PROBABLY YOUR UNDERWEAR, down to your ankles." I hold the phone away from my ear as Angel practically yells her reply.

"RELAX! You don't have to shatter my eardrums." I bring the phone back to my ear.

"Do you even know where her hand has been? I don't see anything awkward or just plain creepy with that, babe. It's just like you guys had sex. WITH YOUR HANDS." She says, unable to hide her disbelief.

"ANGEL! That's gross!" I reprimand her. "Besides, she literally told me that she hasn't touched herself yet." I hold my giggles back but I let go when I hear Angel burst into laughter.

"That's priceless!" She says, trying to catch her breath.

"I know! She said she was a bit flustered. Anyway, you know what's even weirder? When I let her hand go, mine instantly felt empty." I attempt to elaborate but I can't.

I don't know how to put it into words. It's been more than an hour since that physical connection and yet, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels like her hand was made just for mine to hold.

"Well, well, well.. Can it be? Can it really be that you found someone else to preoccupy your mind other than E? Find her! I want to meet her!" She says, seemingly in awe.

"Wait, Angel. There's more. Sades told me that Emily spends more time than necessary in Café Diem's restroom because it reminds her of her bathroom at home. When I went back out, Sadie also said Emily dropped by the café while I was in the restroom but had to leave and will be back in time for dinner tonight. What if.. Angel, what if?" My voice breaks when I say the last few words.

"Hey, I know how much all this mystery stresses you out, love, but don't let it cause a breakdown. You're scared these 3 people are actually all Emily, right? Do you suppose you can give up the girl of your dreams? Because if this Emily IS all those people, you'll be moving into Sadie's territory, for lack of a better term. Question is, is Sadie worth enough to you for you to let go of your possible future happiness?" She stays quiet, waiting for me to answer her question.

"I- Angel, I.." I exhale loudly. "I know this is going to sound so.. Um, so.."

"It's a simple yes or no question, love. I know it's your thing but don't overthink things just yet. On the top of your head, if it's Emily, yes or no?" She insists.

"Yes." I say in a heartbeat. "Of course, there's the matter of not knowing her at all except in my dreams which are probably all just some situations my mind made up in its desperation to make me feel like I actually have something to look forward to in my life." I quickly add.

"WOW! I'm so impressed by how many words you can say in a single breath! Must be the swimming! You and Emily can do A LOT underwater!" She giggles, teasing.

"Oh my god! You did not just imply what I think you did." I gasp.

"Oh baby, I did no such thing. That's all you and your dirty little mind. You haven't met this girl yet and you're already thinking of what other pool activities you can do aside from swimming." Angel is probably taking pride in herself right now. She just made me look like a pervert.

"And what exactly did you mean then?" I ask, trying to catch her at her act.

"For one, you can always have a contest to see who can hold their breath underwater longer." She says coolly.

"Well, aren't you creative?" I huff into the phone.

"What? Not fun enough for a first date?" She teases. Again. When will teasing me ever stop? It's like everyone's favourite thing to do.

"I cannot stress this enough. You're horrible. Just plain H-O-R-R-I-B-L-E." I spell out the last word.

"That's a good idea. Make sure to show her you can spell. That should catch her interest." I was asking for that. It literally isn't Angel if there's no sarcasm.

"I don't want to catch her interest, Angel. I just want to meet her so I can get it over with. I want to know if it's her or not. You know I don't like suspense. If it isn't her, then that's a relief, right? If it is her, then I have a problem. A big one." I explain.

"You want to know something, love? I think you and Emily will have a great relationship, as friends, if not lovers." She says with certainty.

"I don't like Emily. Not what I've heard about her so far, at least. She seems nice and all but it's been so long since her ex-girlfriend died. The way she can't get over her is bordering on lunacy. You can grieve if you want to for as long as you want. Just don't wave it around in everyone else's face." I make an effort to expound.

"Woah woah woah! Hold on. Recap. You don't know her at all. But you don't like her already because everyone knows she's not over her ex yet. And you're saying SHE'S the crazy one?" She asks, clearly doubting my rationality.

"Come on, Angel. You know what I mean. Your business is your business. Your heartbreak is your heartbreak. Fine, maybe you need to talk to other people about it for the first few months, maybe even during the first year. But for years? Really? It's been years!" I repeat myself.

"Hey, you're one to talk. You get recurrent dreams of some random girl you've never even met. You're practically obsessed with her and so into her it's completely absurd. You have no right to judge someone who's heartbroken over a loved one who actually died. In real life, mind you, and NOT in her dreams!" Frustration coats her voice and it's making me uncomfortable. She has a point though. Between the two of us, Emily and I, I'm clearly the one who belongs in an asylum.

"YOU'RE supposed to be on MY side because you're MY best friend, NOT HERS!" I keep myself from shouting on the phone. Why is she so stubborn about this?

"I AM on your side! I will always be, babe. I love you. So much. And that alone, should be enough proof for you that I will never do anything to hurt you." She says earnestly.

"As sweet as that sounds, I don't think it's the right time to admit your feelings for me." I say, dismayed. Angel is the best but I just don't see her that way. She's a sister, at most.

"FOR GOODNESS' SAKE, MCCULLERS! Get your ass back down to Earth, will you? That was all platonic! Listen carefully. I love you. Because I do, trust that I know what I'm doing." Her voice roars into the phone again.

"What are you saying?" I ask, confused once more.

"I have a positive feeling about Emily. I don't know how I know. You can call it instinct if you want but I just know she's going to be good for you. So just give her a chance, okay, sweet?" She implores.

"Sweet? That's something new." I try to ignore her statement.

"Yes, sweet. And that's what I expect you to be towards Emily, okay? I don't like being associated with someone who's mean and judgemental." She jokes.

"Great. You haven't even met her yet and you've fallen for her charms already like everybody else!" I express my annoyance.

"Don't make me say it again!" She warns. I keep quiet for a while, testing her. She doesn't retract any of her previous statements.

"Fine!" I finally say reluctantly.

"And turn that pout back up into a smile, babe." She reprimands.

"Bully." I whisper with a smile.

"I heard that! Now go and be nice to Emily." She reminds me before ending the call.

I fix myself in the mirror for a while before I head out. I almost bump into Sadie.

"I know you designed the place but it doesn't give you the right to live there!" She hands me a cup and pulls me back outside. "Come on, Emily's almost here!" I drink it all in one gulp and grimace.

"Who the hell puts a margarita in a coffee cup?" I hand the glass back to Sadie.

"What? You drank it all in one go so you must have liked it! I'm saving the cocktail glasses for later tonight." She smiles.

"You're killing me, Sades. I need coffee." I push past Sadie and walk towards the counter.

I figured if I'm going to be nice to Emily, my mind should be sharp so I can keep my wits in control. I feel so agitated right now and even after all these years of going for tea, nothing relaxes me like coffee does. Tea calms the nerves. Coffee, for me, calms the mind. I work Café Diem's coffee machine with too much enthusiasm that I spill some coffee on the floor. I grab the dish towel to my side, unaware that it was underneath an open pack of ground coffee. The foil pack, launched from the counter by the dish towel, offers its contents up into the air and all around me. Congratulations, Paige. You are now covered in barako.

"CRAP." I say out loud, while shaking powdered coffee from my hair and my clothes.

"She's here!" Sadie squeals as I duck back down to clean up the mess I made.

The last thing I see is Sadie and George hurrying towards the door to welcome Emily into the café. My heart beats loudly, nearly blocking out the sound from everything else. I shake my head and take a swig out of the cup of cappuccino I prepared minutes ago. I can't believe I still remembered to put in some mint and cinnamon. I sit on the floor for a few seconds, savouring my coffee. I wait for it to take effect by cleaning the floor.

"Lia? Emily's here." If my ears can judge distance correctly, Sadie is just on the other side of the counter. "Weren't you starving? We can eat now! I'm just going to get the food from the kitchen." She exclaims.

Once Sadie mentions food, my stomach awakens from its dormancy. Sadie walks towards the kitchen without so much as a glance at me. I quickly finish cleaning up my mess. I look at my blurry reflection on the back of the cake display case, comb my fingers through my hair and decide I look presentable enough. I pick up my coffee and stand up.

"Hey Sades! I make such a mean cappuccino, I can give you a run for your money." I say, looking up at Sadie's chalkboard menu, with my back to the rest of the café.

"What?" Sadie's head pops out from the order window, surprising me. My very angry stomach made me completely forget that Emily has arrived.

"Nothing. Just hurry up and get out here!" I say in a panic. I take another drink of my coffee.

"Cappuccino with mint and cinnamon." Someone, whom I can only assume is Emily, says behind me. I stiffen. That voice. Sadie is still looking out the order window, clearly still very excited to witness our first meeting.

"P-Paige?" Her voice trembles, sending chills down my spine.

Her voice feels like a memory. It hangs in the air long after she says my name, like its waiting for me to acknowledge an unrecalled familiarity. I close my eyes and tune everything out. Time stops. For a second, time stops because right at that moment, a new dream comes to me. A very short one but a new one, nonetheless.

* * *

_"I was drunk that night and I got lost. Only I didn't really get lost. I was looking for something. I was looking for somebody. And I came here." I can feel how sure she is when she says this, relief instantly comes. I didn't even know how scared I was until I wasn't scared anymore. I was just so grateful. So grateful and unworthy. Of her._


	18. Chapter 18 - Come Find Me

**How is everyone doing after the cliffhanger in the previous chapter? :) I hope no one wants to kill me after that. And I also hope you will all still love me after the news I'm about to give. As you all know, I've been writing in 2 chapter POVs for Emily and Paige. And so, this results in a time gap for both of them. Paige's POV is actually a day or two ahead of Emily's. In light of that, I will first have to close the time gap with Emily's 2 chapter POV. There. My news is, actually, more waiting. :D**

**I haven't lost my mind, don't worry. I am also fully aware that you are at the edge of your seats. So am I. I want nothing more than to write the much-awaited chapter already but let's give Emily some love first. :)**

**Thanks for all the reviews and all the pms. :) I love reading your thoughts, rants, and frustrations regarding my writing. :P**

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**Emily's POV**

Sadie quickly pulls back and looks at the floor.

"You could have just told me you didn't like it, Fields." She's trying to hide it but I can see the distress in her eyes.

"It's not that, Dee." I move closer to her, wanting to take the hurt away. I take her hands in mine, moving us both away from what's left of the champagne bottle. "You are amazing. I wouldn't have let it last that long if I didn't like it. I just th-" She finishes my sentence for me.

"You thought that maybe we could do this. But then things went too far and you realized you're not ready. I'm sorry. I've finally figured things out with Lia and I thought we could finally be together. For a while there, I forgot you have your own heart to think about first. I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate." She exhales, obviously frustrated with herself.

"I'm the one who has to apologize. I shouldn't have let you kiss me in the first place. Dee, if it was any other time.." My voice trails away.

"I guess that kiss has to last me until you're finally over her then." She gets up and smiles at me. She holds her hand out, I take it as she pulls me up and we both leave the ladies' room.

Everyone has left already. I guess everyone wanted to go home. On the counter, Hanna left a note. There's no name but I know the girls well enough to know each of their handwriting.

"Enjoy your 7 minutes in heaven, girls! P.S. No one will find out if you go past 7 minutes."

"At least someone else other than me wants us to be together." Sadie chuckles, seeing Han's note.

"Dee, please. In time, okay?" I assure her although I have no idea when that time will come.

"I'll wait for you." She stands on her toes and kisses me on the cheek. She quickly changes the subject into something else. "I invited her for dinner, you know. Things went so well last night, we ended up being friends. I sent her a text hours ago but she just replied now saying she couldn't make it. Too bad. I really wanted you to meet her."

"Your ex. Sadie, I know we agreed not to mention any details before but can I ask you something?" I suddenly remember my conversation with George. Sadie's Paige. I feel nervous.

"Sure, go ahead." She touches my shoulder, encouraging me to ask my question.

"Um.. George mentioned that your ex is going to do his house. I was just wondering what her name was." I stated anxiously. I hope I didn't sound so interested.

"Lia. Her name's Lia. Why do you want to know?" She looks at me with anticipation.

"Lia." My mind is threatening to go blank, not wanting to pry further, afraid of what I might find out. I never used it but it doesn't mean I'd forget it. Paige Lia McCullers. I push down the hope that I'm feeling, remembering all the times in the past 4 years that I believed she was still alive only to be disappointed and hurt all over again. Everytime that happened, it's like I'm reliving the moment I was told she was gone.

I suddenly want to stop asking Sadie questions but I urge myself to keep going. "That's funny. Because I seem to recall George telling me her name was Paige." My mouth feels so heavy, like it's made out of lead.

"Yeah, it is. That's her first name." Sadie answers me with a puzzled look on her face. Has she figured it out?

"What's her whole name?" I ask hurriedly before I chicken out. I'm starting to put two and two together and I want to finish this puzzle before I become aware of how impossible it is. I know that at this point, I am desperate enough to believe the impossible if it means I can have her back in my life. I want something concrete to shoot my theory down, like maybe a surname. It has to be something other than McCullers, right? I respect all religions but I don't think resurrection is feasible.

"Why are you suddenly so curious? Are you jealous of her?" Before I can answer, Sadie takes my hand. "You know what's funnier? This game we're playing. We're not a couple. We're barely anything. And yet, we somehow act like we are one way or another. I don't mind. I like it when you get jealous." Sadie squeezes my hands.

"I'm-I'm not jealous, Dee." I try to explain.

"Sure, you're not." She smiles and kisses me on the cheek. "It's pretty late. Want me to walk you home? I can just come back here and finish cleaning later." She offers as she drops the dish towel on the table.

"No, it's fine." I pile the dishes up and start bringing them all to the sink.

"Hey, stop! You're a customer. No customer of mine, least of all my favourite one, washes the dishes." She grabs the dishes from me and leaves them all in the kitchen. I follow her.

"I'm not a customer, Dee. I mean, I am sometimes, but not now. Come on, let me help. It'll be fun." I open the faucet and begin to wash the plates first. Sadie looks at me, sighs and walks out of the kitchen.

My resolve to keep finding out who Sadie's ex is has disappeared. I'm not strong enough. It didn't seem like Sadie wanted to talk about her more than she has to. In fact, it felt as if she was changing the subject and I took that as a way out. I'm not prepared to find an answer even though I know I need to get one somehow. Maybe another day. Besides, I don't think either of us can take any more stress tonight after what happened in the restroom earlier. Maybe Sadie isn't ready to share more details about her ex. They might be friends now but I know better than anyone how much memories hurt. How you felt at a certain moment in your life doesn't change just because you're friends with the people involved.

I turn my attention to the plate I'm washing. I might as well just forget about everyone named Paige in the world for a while. Besides, what are the chances that Sadie's Paige is actually my Paige? My love passed away 4 years ago. There's no way she could be alive. She may be my Batman but not even Batman can pull an Alison on me.

"Fine. Here." Sadie places a bunch of glasses in the sink. "Let me help." She wraps her arms around me. We stay like that for a few seconds. "Well, your hair smells nice. It doesn't taste as good though. Do you think I should invest in platform shoes?"

"WHAT?" I turn around, completely forgetting about my soapy hands. Bubbles and soapy water fly into Sadie's face.

"Pffft. Your hair definitely tastes better than THAT!" I quickly get some paper towels and wipe her cheek.

"I'm sorry! The thought of you in platforms.." I laugh. "It's just so hilarious I forgot what I was doing!" I move away from the sink and almost double over in laughter.

"I'm glad I can make you happy!" Sadie crosses her arms and leans against the sink, clearly pleased.

"You want to know something, Dee?" I cross my arms and lean against the sink as well, standing beside her. I give her a slight nudge with my elbow. "You've been making me happy since the first time we've met."

"Oh really? I have?" Amusement shines in her eyes. I doubt she doesn't know it. She's probably just too humble to acknowledge it.

"Yes. You know, I used to think Rosewood was my life. I always dreamed of living elsewhere, in New York actually, but Rosewood? It's my town. It's always going to be the place I'd come back to, the place I'd bring my children to visit. Maybe I'd even retire there someday. I never thought any place would feel like home as much as Rosewood does to me. But New York feels like that now. It helps that my friends are here too. Mostly though, it's because of you." I glance at her. She is looking straight ahead, a hint of a smile on her face.

"I have so many bad memories in Rosewood but I have so many good ones to make up for it all. At first, it felt wrong to move here because it wasn't just my dream. It was hers too. I came to New York in pieces because I had to carry the reality that it's just me now. Somehow, in the past 2 years, you managed to put a few pieces of me back together. I know you want us to become something more. And I know it's not much compared to what you've done for me. I can only hope that what I'm going to say next means as much to you as it does to me." Her eyebrows are furrowed now. She's listening intently but at the same time, worried of what I'm about to say.

"I have a habit of anchoring myself to people who make places home. And Sadie, you made New York my home. When she died, I crumbled because I didn't know how to function with a broken heart. Everything was something we did or wanted to do, something we talked about, or some place we've been or wanted to go to. Everything was stamped with her memory. I want to be with someone who makes the whole world feel new again and I really believe that you can do that for me one day." I face her. She's still looking straight ahead, avoiding any eye contact.

Other than Paige, I have never exposed myself like that to someone else before. Sadie just makes it so easy to let go of all my apprehensions. She makes me feel so safe. When I'm with her, I know I can say anything without any judgement. I reach out and touch her arm. She turns to me.

"One day. What are you trying to say?" Her voice shakes. There are tears pooling in her eyes. Have I mentioned how much it takes for Sadie to cry? I can't believe I'm causing so much pain to the person who brings me so much happiness.

"It's not your fault. It's not you. As cliché as that sounds, it's the truth. I'm just not there yet. And I have no idea when I'll get there." I place my hands on either side of her face and wipe her tears.

"I'll wait, Emily." She whispers.

"That's the thing, Dee. Even when you say you will, I can't ask you to wait and I don't expect you to. It's unfair. You can't put your life on hold for someone like me. I don't know when I'll be ready. I don't know if I'll ever be. What if it doesn't happen? You'll end up wasting your life waiting." I whisper sombrely.

"Waiting for you is better than waiting for nothing." She puts both her hands on my waist and pulls me closer. I resist.

"You don't get it, Dee. I'm scared that waiting for me might be waiting for nothing." I turn away. "I can't lose another person in my life. I can't risk this great thing we already have, Sadie. My heart can't take anymore."

"So you won't even try?" I see a flash of anger in her eyes. I stay quiet. It's her chance to tell me what she feels. "I've been hurt too, Emily. I know it's not under the same circumstances as yours and I can't even begin to comprehend how painful things are for you but I know what it feels like. To wake up in the morning without any sense of purpose. To miss someone so much, you question your own existence. To actually toy with the idea of death because it seems way better than what you're feeling. I've been there. I'm so amazed at how strong you are but I also know that everyone has a limit." She takes a step closer, looking me in the eyes. The anger that used to be there has been replaced with acceptance.

"I'm here. I'm laying all my cards on the table and I'm telling you that I'm keeping them there until you decide to fold. You can't be strong forever, Emily. You can only hold out for so long. And when you do fold, I'll be here to catch you." She doesn't look away.

"Why are you so stubborn? Why are you doing this, Sadie? Why don't you just listen to me?" I ask desperately. She needs to see that I'm not as amazing as she thinks I am. I am broken, possibly beyond repair.

"Isn't it obvious why?" She asks the question as if I should actually know the answer but I don't.

"You're setting yourself up for heartache." I warn her.

"Maybe so. When I met Lia, I experienced things differently. It was as if all my senses were more sensitive to everything. After I lost her, everything became dull and gray. I didn't think I'd ever find someone who would make me feel the way she used to ever again. But when I met you, I didn't know you'd do what I already thought was impossible. You say you want to be with someone who makes the whole world feel new again. Well, you're that someone for me. I've lived in New York my whole life, Em. But it has never looked as beautiful as it does when I'm with you. You make New York shine for me, Emily. So no, I'm not giving up." She brushes my cheek with her thumb. "I'm not giving you up."

"I- I need some air. I need to go outside.. I'm, I.." I stutter. I turn away from her. "I think I'll go home now." I say in a hurry.

I hastily walk out of the kitchen, across the café and out into the cold arms of the New York air. Sadie didn't call after me. It's unusual but I'm thankful she didn't. If I stayed there a little bit longer, I would have given in. Sadie's right. I can only hold out for so long and I can already feel myself waning with every touch of her hand and every word she says. I know my heart is in no condition to give, to care, to love. I can barely take care of myself as it is, what more someone else. But Sadie is stubborn and persistent. It's a quality that is natural to her.

The realization that there is no way to end this without hurting Sadie strikes me so hard, I stop in my tracks. I stand there for a while, staring at my feet. The cold air bites at my skin. I shiver, welcoming the cold. I usually love the sun and the warmth it brings. Right now though, I appreciate feeling something so physical. Something that can numb me and make me forget about everything – all the pain I caused, both Sadie's and my own, all because I can't let go of Paige. Even then, even as I let the wind seep through my clothes and into my bones, it can't make me numb to how much I still long for her presence.

I start walking again, aimlessly, not knowing where I'm going. I take one step after another until I feel my legs give, not because of fatigue but because I can't see anymore. My tears have gotten in the way of my eyesight and instead of wiping them away, I sit down on the side walk and let them pool in the street gutter. I cry quietly, thinking of what a big mess my heart has made, as my ring tone breaks the silence of the night. I let it be until it stops. I get a few seconds of silence before the ringing starts again. Is it really so bad to just want to be alone for a few moments? Frustrated, I grab my phone from my pocket and attempt to throw it clear across the street. Before it leaves my hand though, Hanna's voice fills my ear. I guess I accidentally pushed the answer button.

"So? How did it gooooo?" She asks, too delighted for my taste.

"Han.." I squeak.

"Are you okay?" Thank goodness she immediately senses my melancholy. I don't say a word. I let my sobs speak for themselves. "Em.." She listens to my cries a few more minutes before she finally asks the question. "Emily, what happened? What's wrong?"

"Han, I.. I miss her.." I weep into the speaker.

"I don't mean to sound mean here, Em, but you miss Paige everyday. What makes tonight any different? You don't sound like that's the only problem you have." She says softly.

"I just want everything to go back to the way it was. She held everything together for me, Han. Aside from you guys, the only reason.. The only reason I made it through all of the drama back in Rosewood was because she was there. Everything's so messed up and it's because she's gone. I need her back." I say in between heaving sobs and sniffles.

"Emily, I'm sorry but your life after Paige is anything but messed up. Despite your emotions and mood swings, you managed to become successful in your career. Ultimately, you just have to let go of Paige." Spencer says.

"Career isn't everything, Spence. I'm sure Emily wants more from life than just gold medals." Aria butts in.

"Sorry, Em. Did I forget to mention that we're all at Spencer's? We were all so excited for you, we decided to have a sleep over and ambush you tomorrow morning. I guess there's no walk of shame for you, then." Hanna says apologetically.

"HANNA!" Spencer shouts in the background.

"It's okay. Hi guys." I smile weakly. My tears have subsided by now. I'm not sure yet if I want to talk to all the liars right now. I guess I don't have any choice anyway.

"Are you home? We can come over." Aria offers.

I suddenly remember that I don't know where I am. I look around me.

"Uh.. I'm kind of in the middle of nowhere." I whisper, suddenly feeling foolish.

"WHAT?" They all answer in unison.

"Give us a landmark! Tell us what you see!" Spencer shouts in a panic.

"Relax, Spence. I walked from Café Diem. I couldn't have gone far." I say, beginning to get my bearings.

"Emily, you better start heading home." Aria suggests.

"Yeah, Aria's right. We'll stay on the phone with you. You can tell us all about your smooch fest with Sadie." Hanna exclaims.

"HAN!" This time, it's Aria's turn to shout at Hanna.

"What? How are we supposed to know she's safe if she's not talking to us?" Hanna explains.

"Clearly, sensitivity is NOT in your vocabulary!" Spencer scolds her.

"Guys, I'm going back the way I came now. Won't I be attracting robbers by talking to you on the phone?" I whisper.

Someone just walked out of a cab and I didn't want to call attention to myself. She is well on her way into the building behind me which is probably where she lives. She walks slowly but at the same time clumsily, as if in a hurry. She looks a hell of a lot like Paige, or at least her back does. Even at this hour, New York is still filled with visions of her. Won't my heart let me rest?

"Just plug your earphones in and put your phone in your pocket. Then talk aloud like you're just talking to yourself. We'll hear you and you'll hear us through your earphones." Spencer proposes.

"Sure Spence, she'd also LOOK crazy!" Hanna says.

"At least she won't look vulnerable! People would rather stay away from a crazy person." Spencer hisses.

"You better mess up your hair too, Em." Aria teases.

"Fine. You win, Spence. Doing a lot of spying lately?" I sigh. I do as Spencer says and go on my way, talking to the night as if it's the most natural thing to do.

"It's not just me, you know! We've all done a lot of spying back in the day." She answers.

"Back in Rosewood, you mean?" I whisper.

"Stop whispering! Talk aloud! Scream if you want to! You're supposed to look cray cray!" Hanna shouts. I wince. If my eardrums break, at least I know who to blame.

"Hanna! Emily is wearing earphones! We want her to look crazy! NOT DEAF!" I can almost see team Sparia glaring at Hanna. Poor Han. She means well but she just doesn't think things through sometimes.

"Thank you very much, Aria." I say quickly.

If I wasn't sure whether I wanted to talk to the girls a while ago, I'm sure now. They always manage to make me laugh. Hanna's often inappropriate ideas, Spencer's level headedness, and Aria's sarcasm is a mix that can put anyone at ease. Since I'm supposed to look crazy anyway, I might as well share with them my own insane ideas.

"Em, there could be a million people named Paige Lia in the world. Maybe it was just a coincidence. I don't want to say it but Paige is dead." Spencer says gently.

"I don't know, Spence. Isn't it too much of a coincidence that Sadie's ex has the exact same combination of names that Paige does? I mean, who are we to say that resurrection is impossible? Although I'm not so sure you should date zombies, Em. Imagine how bad third base would smell." I had no doubt it was Hanna who would give my idea a chance, although that comment she made about third base is just gross. It was still a long shot, considering the circumstances, but Hanna always believed things much easily than team Sparia. It's why we're best friends.

"Han, haven't you learned by now to screen what comes out of your mouth?" I hear Spencer slap Hanna's arm.

"Ow! You didn't have to slap me so hard, SPEN-CER!" Hanna puts emphasis on Spencer's name, something she only does when they're having a squabble.

"Okay, kids. Stop with the bickering. I feel like I'm babysitting toddlers." Aria butts in.

"Stop looking at me like I'm such a disappointment. It's Hanna's fault!" Spencer accuses.

"I'm my usual self! How is this my fault?" Han answers back.

"And you don't think THAT'S the problem?" Spencer jeers.

"Aria, she's insulting me! And she's glaring at me too." Hanna whines.

"Spencer, stop insulting Hanna! Hanna, stop provoking her!" Aria's voice is stern but gentle. "And NO, you don't get to glare at me!"

"Fine. Thanks A LOT, MOM." Spencer says and we all end up laughing.

We're all in our late 20's but things haven't changed much between us. The way we act towards each other, you'd think we're still high school kids, except we're much much wiser and have successful careers.

"Sorry you're alone with team Sparia, Han." I say after I catch my breath.

"I miss team Hannily." She pouts.

"Me too. But I miss Paily the most." They all remain silent.

"You want to know something? We all miss Paily too. Even the guys do. It's just not the same without the cute lesbians and your U-haul plans." Hanna whispers.

I smile. We were the cutest couple, I guess. Of course, Paige and I never owned up to it even though they all said so. We were just too caught up with each other to actually take notice of how cute we were. Maybe that's another thing that happens when what you have is the real thing. People look at you together and they feel happy. They feel that they can have what you have too and that leaves them inspired to go searching for that kind of love. It makes me wonder when I'll actually want to start looking for the next best thing. Because you know, I can't have the best anymore. She died.

"Thanks Han. It's nice to hear that you still think we're the cutest." I laugh. I'm actually starting to feel really good now.

"Do you think it's time to find someone new?" Aria cautiously puts her two cents forward.

"Oooh! Speaking of finding someone new.. tell us about Sadie!" Hanna's voice sounds all excited again.

"Remind me not to talk to you if I ever break up with Toby!" Spencer reprimands her.

"It's really okay, Spence. And I'm sure you won't ever have to talk to Hanna about Toby because you guys aren't going to break up." I take a deep breath to prepare myself for the big admission I'm going to have to make, despite it being the exact opposite of what Hanna wants to hear. "Han, I like Sadie. I really do. If things were different.. But that's the thing. Things AREN'T different. I still think Paige is the best and that makes Sadie second best." I pour my heart out, telling my friends the truth and at the same time, letting the breeze take my words away.

That's another reason why I walked away from Café Diem a while ago. I knew that Sadie could never be a replacement for Paige and I didn't want her to be. But no matter how great she is, to me, my Paige will always be better and that's unfair. Sadie shouldn't have to be with someone who thinks someone else is better. She needs to be with someone who sees her as the best out there. Shouldn't everyone be with someone who thinks that of them, that they're the best the world has to offer? Otherwise, how will they treat you like you're their world?

"You don't have to force it, Em. Sometimes, love comes in the most unexpected moments from the most unexpected people." Aria interrupts my thoughts.

"Yeah! Like in a bar with a really old guy." Hanna says.

"Or with a homeless stranger!" Spencer answers in defense of Aria.

"Or with a convicted criminal!" Hanna remarks.

"Or with a potential killer." I pause. "Don't you think it's funny that she drowned?" I whisper quietly.

"Don't go there, Emily. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Accidents happen." Spencer's voice is cautious but still soothing.

"Sometimes I still think I could have saved her. What if we haven't been fighting? What if I went first, you know?" I think aloud.

"We would have lost you, Emily." Aria states in a downhearted mood.

"And wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't dying be better than living like this? Eternally hurting and waiting for the moment you can see her and be with her again." I say, my thoughts flashing back to the first 12 months after her death.

"Em.." Hanna whispers.

"You know what? I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wouldn't want her to feel like this. So maybe it's a good thing she insisted on doing it first." My mood is on the low again. At first, I thought talking to the girls about her would make me feel better. It's just the opposite. I never learn. Always, whenever I talk about her, I don't feel better afterwards. I don't know how it's possible but I just end up missing her even more.

"There's nothing good about what happened. We all lost someone in Paige, a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, a swimmer. Nothing good came out of that incident." Spencer always knows what to say.

"I guess you're right. Anyway, I just got home, guys. Thanks for keeping me company. I'm going to go to bed. I've had enough living for today. Goodnight." I sigh.

"Goodnight, Em. We're just here, okay?" Hanna says before ending the call.

As soon as I enter my bedroom, I collapse onto my bed. I don't even bother taking any of my clothes off. I don't even bother taking off my shoes. I plug my phone into its charger and play a voice recording in a loop. I extracted the audio from a video she made. It was her way of getting back at me because I kept leaving her hanging one weekend I visited her. It worked pretty well. The next time she visited me, she took a video of herself, walking naked in my dorm room, pretending she was looking for me. I couldn't stop seeing her naked body everywhere I looked for the next few weeks or so. It was genius. When she passed away, I realized it was the only recording I have of her voice. Not that I needed something to help me remember. It's just wonderful to actually hear her voice instead of imagining it in my head.

"Em, where are you? You know I'm going to find you sooner or later. You better come out now. You won't like it when I get mad. Emilyyyy.. come out, come out, wherever you are. You'll regret it if you don't come out now, Fields. Where are you? Where the hell is my gorgeous girlfriend?" Her silky voice envelops me.

I take her vanilla perfume out of the box and spray it all around. I sink further into my comforter, lying flat on back, in surrender. I close my eyes and wait for her to come find me.


	19. Chapter 19 - The Resurrection

**So I finished this chapter faster than the previous ones because I can feel all your pitch forks at my back. I know you all want to get to the story so I won't talk much right now. All I can say is, the time gap is closed and the next chapter should be what you're all waiting for. :)**

**I'm sorry to keep you waiting. No matter how long the wait is, always remember that I love this story as much as you all do. I also love you all as well so rest assured that the next update is always in the works.**

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**Emily's POV**

I wake up to the smell of vanilla and Paige's voice. For a minute there, I could've fooled myself into believing she was right beside me, waking me up with whatever adorable antic she thought of that morning. The most memorable one would probably have to be the time she made me breakfast in bed.

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_"Wake up, Em. Breakfast is ready." Paige sets down a tray beside me. I literally just woke up a few seconds ago and I wanted to get more sleep._

_ "Can you not be so sweet in the morning? It makes me want to get out of bed so I can kiss you and most of the time, I'd much rather sleep in." I smile at her._

_ "You can kiss me later. Look! I made you pancakes!" She looks at me with those big brown eyes, practically urging me to eat already. I'm not sure I like the idea of Paige ignoring my flirting. If she's like this whenever she cooks, I wouldn't mind if she never went near a kitchen again._

_ "You made this? I had no idea you can cook. Our first sleepover and you're already treating me like a princess. Be careful, I could get used to this." I pick up my fork._

_ "Yeah, well, that's the idea. I don't mean to sound creepy but we could do this everyday in the future." She says eagerly. I look at all the food, trying to decide where to start. Pancakes, bacon, sausages, French toast, and orange juice._

_ "Paige, do you think I eat like a horse or something? Because you're clearly mistaken." I laugh. "If you did this right after you tried to drown me, I'd think you're fattening me up so you could eat me."_

_ "I just didn't know what you wanted. Sorry, I guess I went overboard." She giggles. "Besides, that's not the kind of eating I'd want to do with you." She mutters under her breath when she thought I wasn't looking._

_"WHAT?" My voice goes up one octave higher. Of course, there have been a few moments when we could barely control ourselves but all things considered, Paige and I haven't been intimate yet. _

_"NOTHING." She says loudly, obviously surprised as well. She clears her throat. "Nothing. I, um, I said, um, I'm going to eat with you." She turns around and sits at the foot of the bed, her back to me. When she turns her head slightly to get a glimpse of me, I decide to tease her, widening my eyes before speaking._

_"I can't believe you." I shake my head._

_"I'm sorry. Can we just forget I said anything?" She turns away from me, wallowing at the foot of the bed. _

_"I meant, I can't believe what a bad liar you are." I laugh. "And no, I'm not forgetting anything. What you said? I'm holding you to that until we're ready."_

_The minute I said it, I wanted to take it back. Not that I didn't mean it. It just felt so aggressive, so unlike me. We remain silent for a few minutes. She is no doubt processing and analysing what I just said while I worry that she might think I'm some kind of maniac. She angles her head to the side to peek at me discreetly. I can see she's blushing and I'm pretty sure so am I._

_"Red is a good color on you." She teases. I throw a pillow at her in response._

_ "Come on, let's eat!" She leans against the side of the bed, kneeling down on the floor._

_I take a big bite out of a pancake. Are those nuts? No, I don't think so. I chew some more. Is this made of wheat? I poke through a pancake on the plate, trying to keep a blank face._

_"Well? How do you like it?" Paige raises her eyebrows. I chew some more and force myself to swallow. I take a huge sip of orange juice before saying anything._

_"Yuuuum.." I give her my best fake smile._

_As bad as it may be for my stomach, I think the best way to get through this breakfast without hurting my girlfriend is to just eat a little bit of everything. I don't wait for her to reply. I grab a piece of bacon and shove it into my mouth. I move on to the sausage and then some of the French toast. Paige watches me with such a big smile on her face, I don't even regret pretending to like her cooking. I gulp down 2 glasses of orange juice to end my meal._

_"Wow. You must be really hungry. Won't you get indigestion?" She rubs my stomach as she moves her other hand towards a fork._

_"Hey, why don't I make you breakfast as well?" I quickly grab her hand before she can get to it and start eating._

_"But there's so much food here. I don't want it to go to waste." She plants herself firmly on the bed and places a piece of pancake in her mouth._

_"Babe.." I can only watch her go through the gruelling process I just went through._

_She does what I did, taking a bite out of everything she prepared. She doesn't look at me and she doesn't say anything. When she's done, she places the tray on the floor and wraps me in her arms._

_"Now I know how much you like me." She says._

_ "What do you mean?" I ask, confused._

_ "Em, the pancakes were literally riddled with egg shells. The French toast resembled a sponge. The sausage was burnt on the outside but raw on the inside and the bacon was more like rubber." She exclaims. "You ate everything and didn't even say one bad thing just so I wouldn't get hurt. I really appreciate it but I wish you just told me. Now I'm actually worried you'd die of my cooking. How are you feeling?" She touches my forehead, checking for a fever._

_ "I'm fine, baby. It wasn't that bad. Stop worrying. I doubt I'd die because of breakfast, Paige." I roll my eyes at her. "I wouldn't be surprised if I got a stomach ache though." I kiss her on the cheek._

_ "It WAS that bad, Em. Next time, tell me, okay?" She holds my hand._

_ "Why would I? If I told you, you wouldn't eat what you cooked. Then I'd be only one who ate torture for breakfast." I tease._

_ "And I thought you didn't have a mean bone in your body." She smirks. "Look, I promise I'll learn how to cook but you have to promise me to tell me when you don't like something. Okay?" She holds out her pinky._

_ "Okay." I take her finger in mine, making a pinky promise._

* * *

It was almost 2 years before I got to taste Paige's cooking again. On one of our dates, we had dinner at her place. She told me beforehand that she was getting take out from one of her favourite restaurants in California. Halfway through the meal, she mentioned that she was hoping it would become one of my favourites too. It was a complete 3 course meal and everything was delicious. When dinner was over, she asked how I liked the food and I told her it was easily a new favourite of mine. I then asked her what the name of the restaurant was and instead of answering me, she led me to her small cooking area. I gasped in surprise as she welcomed me into the makeshift kitchen she later on referred to as "Emily's Favourite". I knew she was learning how to cook, I just didn't expect her to become so good at it. I swore she could quit college to become a chef and she'd be the next big thing.

I smile and run my hand across the other side of the bed, actually expecting to touch skin. She always slept on the right side. We have never spent more than a few days sleeping over at each other's houses or dorm rooms but we've already developed a system. My smile fades as I open my eyes and turn the recording off. She's always with me that I often forget she actually isn't anymore. I head to the bathroom for a quick hygiene fix before I go for my workout.

I grab a granola bar and take a bus to the pool. I choose to swim instead of run today. It's my job but swimming always relaxed me more than anything. I jump into the pool and finish my required number of laps. I take my time. I'm not training at the moment so I don't have to rush. When I'm done, I hook my legs on the ledge and do a couple sets of upside down underwater sit-ups. This is something Paige and I loved to do. We would have a contest on who could do more sets or who could hold their breath underwater longer while upside down. She always won the sit-ups challenge but I could definitely hold my breath longer. Once I've had enough, I push off the ledge. I float on my back and let the water carry me around the pool, my thoughts sinking down into the bottom and making me feel light as a buoy.

For some reason, the pool is always empty at this hour. Most of the time, anyway. There was one summer there were a couple of guys who seemed to be more intent on getting my number. They quickly left when I told them I was gay. That was the most company I've had so far. Don't get me wrong. I love to swim with other people, especially with my co-athletes. At the same time, I also love to swim alone. It's the only time I get to swim with Paige. When I'm alone doing backstrokes or butterflies or even just lounging around, I find it's easier for me to hear her, to feel her, to talk to her. Sometimes, when I float on my back and close my eyes, I can hear the splashes her legs could be making and the ripples her arms should be sending across the pool as they dip back into the water. Mostly, I swim alone because I can let go. I can let the waves wash over me and let my tears dissolve into the water. And no matter how red my eyes get, I can always say that I left my goggles at home and was just opening my eyes underwater. It makes me seem like a stupid athlete, yes, but it's the perfect excuse.

By the time I get out of the pool, my fingers and toes are like prunes. I have a couple of messages from the girls and Sadie. I decide to take a shower first before I let the rest of the world back in. I've barely finished drying myself when I hear my phone ringing. I answer the call and put my phone on speaker mode.

"Hey Fields." Sadie's voice echoes through the locker room. I thought it was Hanna. Had I known it was Sadie, I wouldn't have answered it just yet. I'm not prepared to explain why I ran out of the café last night.

"H-Hey Sadie." I say anxiously.

"I hope you didn't get sick from running in the cold last night." She jokes.

"Dee.. I'm sorry. I was ju-" I begin to explain.

"Don't explain, Emily. You don't have to. I pushed you and I shouldn't have." She starts. "You are just so amazing, Fields. I don't think I can let you go. I can't imagine life without you anymore. But I promise, I'll back off for now. I'll tone things down a bit."

"Dee, you have to understand one thing. You have managed to become one of the most important people in my life. If I could do this any other way, I definitely would. I just don't think I can handle being attached to someone right now. You'd only end up hurt and I don't want that. Will you let me make it up to you for leaving you with the dishes last night?" I still explain things even though she doesn't want me to. I don't want her to think she's not important to me.

"I got that." I can hear her smile. "You can make it up to me by agreeing to dinner later!"

"Don't you think we're bad at dinners? I mean, look at what happened last night." I'm actually thinking of skipping this one out.

"Em, please? George is going to be there." Her voice goes up a pitch and I already know George isn't really the card she wants to play.

"Sadie, I see George on a regular basis. I don't think you have much haggling power if you use him." I laugh, trying to get her to man up, so to speak.

"It's not just George." She pauses. "Someone else is going to be there too and I really want you to meet her." She replies.

"And this girl iiis..?" I drag out the last word. I may not be as intuitive as Paige was but I'm pretty in tune with what people call a girl's intuition. And my intuition tells me that I'm not just meeting one of Sadie's friends.

"My ex. I want you to meet Lia." She pauses again. "I just know you'll like each other." She adds, probably to convince me that it's a great idea.

"Oh." I breathe out.

"Besides, I can't wait to show you off." She flirts.

"You really just can't do without the flirting, huh?" I grin.

"Not when it's you I'm talking to, Fields. So, dinner?" She grins back.

"Hmm.." I think for a few seconds. I've got to meet her ex one way or another, right? After all, they're such good friends now. I'll meet her some time anyway, why not just do it now?

"Okay." I finally say.

The moment I agree to dinner, I start to rationalize. This should make me stop worrying and would definitely put my Paige-is-still-alive-and-is-actually-Sadie's-ex ideas to rest. Paige, I mean, Lia – damn it! - her ex can't be my ex. This is so confusing. I make a mental note to use Lia to refer to Sadie's Paige. Another thing, I don't even have to ask Sadie what Lia's surname is. I can just see for myself that she is a whole different person. After tonight, I can laugh at my idiocy and go back to missing Paige, right? Right, Emily? Right. But why do I feel so uneasy?

"Great! Be here by 8. I can't wait!" Sadie's voice cuts through my thoughts. I can feel her excitement but it's not enough to make me feel the same.

"I know you're really happy and excited but I have a bad feeling about this." I share my anxiety.

"It'll be perfect! As perfect as you are. I promise! See you later!" She assures me. She hangs up before I can say anything else.

I grab my things and shove them into the locker. I change back into my swimsuit and retrace my steps back to the pool. I climb up to the highest dive board and push off as hard as I can. At the top of my jump, I arch my back and dive into the pool. As soon as I hit the water, I open my arms and my legs. In my mind, I am embracing the sea and letting go of everything because I am powerless in its waves.

I lose track of time. I dive again and again, focusing on technique and form instead of the upcoming dinner. When I'm too tired to dive, I lie down on the board with my feet dangling over the edge. People have started to arrive for training or for a leisurely swim. I ignore them.

"Ugh. Making anything this high without an elevator should be a crime!" Hanna appears behind me, sweating after the climb.

"It's a great hiding place." I mumble without looking at her.

"Not if your feet are dangling over the edge!" She sits behind me and cradles my head on her lap. "If you want to hide, you have to find a better hiding place, Em. Anyone who knows you will know to look for you here. Or better yet, reply to our texts and calls."

"This just feels so much like the Rosewood pool we used to sneak into." I say softly.

"You know, for someone who's trying to move on, you sure are always in places that remind you of your pain." She strokes my hair.

"Yeah, well.." I sigh.

"We've been friends for so long, Em, and we've been through so much so I'm just going to say what we all think, okay? You don't really want to move on, do you? Why don't you want to get over Paige? I may not know a lot about love but I'm sure there's more to it than being heart broken." Hanna may not be the smartest one but she's always been the one who can see right through me. There's really not much I can hide from her. The only person who can beat her at this game is Paige.

"I don't think I can love anyone as much as I did Paige, Han. And if I can't love that much anymore, what's the point? Everything else will seem pale compared to what I used to have. Even if I can give that much, I'm scared to forget her."

"You didn't forget Ali when you met Maya. You didn't forget either of them when you met Paige. What makes you think you'll forget her when you find someone new to love?" She makes a point.

"It's different with Paige. Ali was my first love but it was always one-sided. Maya was my first girlfriend and she will always be special because of that. But Paige, at the risk of sounding really cheesy, I can describe her in so many titles. My better half, my soul mate, my everything, my world. I don't know if there's anyone out there who can fit the bill. Besides, I really believe she is it for me, Hanna." I explain.

"I knew you were cheesy when it comes to Paige but really? Em.." She pulls me up into a sitting position.

"Do you really want to know why I can't move on? Because she is my end game, Han." I sit up reluctantly and she makes me look at her.

"You are Paige's end game, Em." She puts both her hands on either side of my face, forcing me to keep looking at her. "You are her end game because she didn't have much of a choice. I'm not saying that you wouldn't be if she was still alive but she doesn't have to be yours. You are still here with billions of other people. Anyone can be your end game if you give them a chance."

"You're squeezing me too much." I manage to choke out.

"Sorry." Hanna lets go of me. "Got carried away. You do get my point, right?"

"She may be gone but I feel it in every fiber of my being, Han. This is not about me refusing to move on or being in denial or anything like that. I'm just certain that she's my end game. As certain as I am that you're sitting next to me right now." I look straight into her eyes to convey how serious I am.

"How can she be your end game, Emily? I'm not Spencer but doesn't end game mean that she's the person you'll be with until the end? How can that even be possible now?" She explains.

"Of course I know what end game means! I don't know how to explain it." I turn my back to her and gaze down into the water. "I just know what I feel." I whisper.

"Okay." She sighs. "You sound crazy, you know that, right?"

I just smile at her as I get up from the diving board and go back down. Hanna trails along. She waits for me while I take another shower.

"I'm having dinner again with Sadie tonight. I'm meeting her ex." I say nonchalantly. It takes a while for Hanna to answer.

"Is that why you've been here the whole day? You're still worried Sadie's ex might be Paige?" She asks but I don't answer. "I'm calling it right now. You're my best friend and I respect you so I won't tell our resident psychologist but I'm definitely calling this. You're IN-SANE."

I can't really blame Hanna for thinking that, can I? I actually agree with her. But what can I do? My heart feels the way it does and my mind can't do anything about it. I've always been a heart-over-mind kind of person. No matter how irrational and impossible my idea is, I know the anxiety I feel is real.

By the time I finish my shower, Hanna has agreed to drop me off at Café Diem. I can't believe how long I've been here. Hanna's right. I've been here the whole day. It's past 10 past 6 in the evening and the only thing I've eaten is a single granola bar from this morning. I'm not even hungry. I should thank Paige if I lose a few pounds.

Hanna and I share a quiet ride to Café Diem. This is what's great about my relationship with the liars. We can be as noisy as we want but we're also comfortable in each other's silence. I fall asleep 15 minutes before we arrive at the café. So far, my day has been physically and emotionally draining. I thank Hanna and give her a hug before I step out of her car. I sit on the wooden bench outside for a while, debating whether I should say hello to Sadie or not. I turn away from the café, ready to head home but I suddenly feel an urge to use the restroom. Okay, I guess I'm dropping by the café then. I do a 360 and walk through Café Diem's door.

"Hey Dee. I just need to use the ladies' room!" I say quickly without even stopping to look at her. "Oh, hi, George!" I pat him on the shoulder when I pass by his table.

They both are too stunned to say anything. I whiz past them and barge into the restroom. For some reason, I have a really hard time holding my bladder. I sprint towards the free stall. I've barely unbuttoned my pants when I hear the person in the other stall swear.

"Crap." Her voice catches me off guard. I pull my clothes down gently, making as little noise as possible, and slowly sit on the toilet. "Damn it."

Now that I'm more prepared to hear another person, her voice sounds vaguely familiar. And is she crying? I try to empty my bladder as quietly as I can. When I'm through, I can't bring myself to just get up and leave. I'm no stranger to crying in restroom stalls. I know that sometimes, all you need to feel better is someone to show you they care. Talking to strangers isn't something I usually do but I don't think leaving an upset girl alone is a good idea. I remember how Paige told me about the times she hurt herself. If she had someone to talk to then, maybe she wouldn't have gone through what she did. So against my better judgement, I strike up a conversation.

"Um, I don't mean to pry and I know how weird it must be to talk like this, but are you okay?" I say calmly, despite my deafening heartbeat.

I know I shouldn't be so nervous about talking to a stranger yet I am. I guess I just don't want her to think I'm some weird girl who talks to other people through bathroom stalls on a regular basis. "Hey, are you still there?"

"Uh y-yeah. I'm okay. This stall just doesn't have any tissue paper left and I didn't bring any with me. So.. yeah." She explains.

"Oh! Well, if you need some that badly, you can have some from this stall." I start to tear some tissue from the roll beside me.

"No, that's okay! It's not necessary. I can.. Uh.. I can just.. Uh.." She stutters.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay? Um, are you crying? Like I said, I don't mean to pry but your voice.. It just sounds like you're going through something.. I've had my fair share of crying in the toilet so.. You're not really alone on this one." I know it's creepy to worry over a stranger but I really am.

"I AM going through something. It's called a sore throat." She blurts out. She sounds annoyed.

This time, when her voice registers in my head, a light bulb turns on. Paige. I would know her voice anywhere. Whether she's angry, annoyed, tired, excited, or just plain sick, I'd know her voice. I especially know sick Paige's voice. The countless hours we spent talking on the phone, I had learned to watch out for it. I'm getting ahead of myself again. Unless the person in the other stall is a ghost, there's no way in hell she's Paige. She's just someone who sounds like her. Get a grip, Em.

"Okay. That's good then." I pause. "That you're not crying, I mean. It's not good that you have a sore throat. But at least it's not something a little water and rest can't solve. Anyway, about the tissue, don't worry. My hands are clean. I haven't touched myself yet." I assure her.

"W-What?" She almost shouts.

"Oh my god. I'm sorry. I meant.. I meant the only thing I've done so far is unbutton my pants so you know, my hands are clean and available." I pause again. What the hell am I saying? "I'm sorry that didn't sound right either. I'm just going to stop talking now." I should just shut up.

We both sit there in silence. I can actually hear her trying not to laugh and I am just mortified. I appreciate it though, that she's attempting to be polite. But I want her to say something. I want to hear her voice again. She might not be Paige but I can just imagine that she is.

"Uh.. Can I have some tissue please?" She breaks the silence.

"S-sure. Here." I glide my hand under the slim divider between the stalls.

"Thanks. I'm sure you have, uh, clean hands, by the way." She says, managing not to laugh, though I can hear the hint of a smile.

"Sorry for everything I said a while ago. I'm just a bit flustered tonight." I share. Little does she know it's her fault I'm so flustered. Her voice. Everytime she talks, my heart beats faster.

"Sorry. I can't really see where your hand is. The stalls are a bit cramped." She apologizes.

"I know what you mean. My hand's here." I knock on my side of the divider, wanting her to use the sound to find my hand.

She moves her hand to the back end of the divider a bit faster than she should have. Our hands accidentally bump against each other, causing my hand to scrape against the bottom edge of the divider.

"Ow!" I yelp.

I instinctively attempt to withdraw my hand but her hand closes around mine before I can do so. I inhale and exhale deeply, shocked. Not because a stranger is touching me but because I felt a jolt when she did. I blink and Paige's beautiful face flashes in my mind. I gasp.

"I'm really sorry! Did I hurt you?" She asks, still holding my hand.

She runs her thumb along my skin. I don't know what she's doing but I close my eyes and tears unintentionally run down my face. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Paige McCullers was on the other side of this stall. In the few seconds it took her thumb to cross my wrist, she took me back to the time when everything was right. She takes the tissue and that pulls me back to what is actually happening.

"No, I'm fine. Your hand was just, um, a bit cold. I hope that's enough." I say, trying to hide my emotions.

I quickly clean myself up and flush the toilet. I need to leave before she does. She can't see me crying. She can't know she had this effect on me. I'm washing my hands and my face when she speaks again.

"It is. Thank you again. And hey, whatever reason you're flustered, I'm sure you'll be okay." She offers me some comfort. She doesn't know how ironic that sounds, coming from her.

"Thanks." I smile before walking out of the ladies room.

I'm in a hurry to leave the café but Sadie corners me by the door.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Sadie gives me a once over. "And why are you in your workout clothes? Did you change your routine?"

"No. I just lost track of time and spent way too long in the pool than I originally planned. I have to get going, Dee. You know, if you want me to be back in time for dinner." I explain.

"Well, since you put it that way.. Go. Get that hot ass of yours back here in 30 minutes." She gently pushes me out the door.

I glance at my watch. I can't believe it's already 7:30. At least I took a decent shower in the locker room. I barely have enough time to change my clothes by the time I get to my apartment. I hastily put on some perfume and text Sadie that I'm on my way. I only have 10 minutes to make it in time. I hate being late. If I ride my bike fast enough, I can just about make it. All the rushing has made me forget my problems temporarily, at least until I'm back in Café Diem.

"She's here!" I hear Sadie shout from inside as I park my bike by the door.

Before I know it, both Sadie and George are outside, greeting me and welcoming me into the café. George drapes his arm over my shoulder and ushers me inside. I keep my gaze down on the floor. I guess I will never feel prepared for this. If Sadie's ex is an entirely different person, and she no doubt is, I'm greatly over-exaggerating things. For some reason, I just need actual proof in the form of an actual person before my heart will believe that Lia isn't Paige. This is as prepared as I'll ever be.

I take a deep breath before I bring my head up. I look around the café but there's no one else there, aside from me, George, and Sadie. I take a few steps forward towards the counter when I hear Sadie talk to someone behind it.

"Lia? Emily's here. Weren't you starving? We can eat now! I'm just going to get the food from the kitchen." Sadie disappears into the kitchen.

When Sadie mentions food, I suddenly feel hungry. I remember my last meal – a granola bar. I decide to follow Sadie into the kitchen to help her bring the food out which also serves as an excuse to further delay meeting Lia. Before I can even take another step though, a tall girl with brown hair stands up from the other side of the counter, her back to me.

"Hey Sades! I make such a mean cappuccino, I can give you a run for your money." She says.

"What?" Sadie's head pops out from the order window.

"Nothing. Just hurry up and get out here!" She answers quickly, gulping down her coffee afterwards.

I am frozen in place. Her back. Her voice. The smell of her drink that's coating the entire cafe. The girl in the restroom. It's all Paige. How is this possible? George is saying something but I can't hear him. It's like everything has been muted and blurred and the only clear thing in the room is this girl standing in front of me.

"Cappuccino with mint and cinnamon." I say the first thing that comes to my mind. Like I told Sadie before, the only person I know who drinks that is Paige.

I am suddenly aware of even the slightest movement around me and I can see the muscles on her back stiffen at the sound of my voice. She doesn't answer. She doesn't turn around. I need to see her face.

"P-Paige?" My voice quivers.

I force myself to pull it together as I wait for her to respond.


End file.
